Venting i want to be special to someone

[sorararara]

i've probably ranted about this a million times now, sorry.
i'm just so fucking average, probably below average. i'm not good at anything. i suck at the skills that i have spent my entire life practicing, i'm terrible at new skills that i've recently starting working on. my personality is boring and i'm not funny. i'm fucking stupid. everything about me is so boring.
no one is ever interested in me. i'm good at interacting with people (irl) and i can engage in conversations, but it doesn't matter because apparently i'm too revolting for anyone to be interested in me in any capacity.

i want to stand out to at least one fucking person. i thought i was craving romantic attention at first, but i recently realized that i'm not.
i'm being a try-hard in all of my classes so i can at least stand out to my professors, but there's always multiple people who are just better than me. i can't even be recognized as the student who's trying way too fucking hard because no one cares.

it doesn't matter if i spend a lot of time focusing on one thing or if i throw myself into multiple things, i'm just never the best at anything i do. i'm only capable of being below average-average at best.

i just want to stand out and i think killing myself is the only way i can achieve that. most of the people in my life don't know anyone who has killed themselves, i'd stand out if i did it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The thing is, you likely do stand out to some people but you just don't realize it because most people don't tend to voice it. Even if you are only average in a skill, there will usually be people who will find themselves impressed by you. I should know because I have virtually no skills whatsoever and I'm also a very boring bitch. I've been drawing for most of my life and my drawing skills aren't that good, especially in comparison to others around my age who have been drawing for as long as me (quite frankly, I'm below average), but there are still people who manage to find my drawing capabilities to be impressive since they usually don't have much experience with drawing. I have no other talents, btw. This is the closest thing I have to an actual skill.

Most people aren't above average, let alone excel at anything, and there isn't anything to feel ashamed about in that regard. I understand that a lot of people tend to put a lot of emphasis on standing out and being unique or being gifted in something, treating just being average or even slightly below average as being a bad thing, but it isn't. Hell, I remember feeling a bit jealous of my younger brother since he's gifted, meanwhile, I was busy struggling in school around his age. I still feel a bit jealous, which is pathetic since he is a lot younger than me. Most of us are just basic bitches and there isn't anything wrong with that.

 

[pain6batch9]

My writing is shite. I try hardest but those truly special literary tricks are something that eludes me. So I write a hell of a lot of mediocre crap to get even a little of something good. In this respect, it's kind of a numbers game. Nine parts shite to one part good.

People will notice you. They might not admit it, or try to hide it. But something you said made them think. Something you done impressed them. They didn't tell you. But it happened. Nobody goes through life completely untouched by at least one other human. It's impossible.

 

[sugarb]

The thing is, you likely do stand out to some people but you just don't realize it because most people don't tend to voice it. Even if you are only average in a skill, there will usually be people who will find themselves impressed by you. I should know because I have virtually no skills whatsoever and I'm also a very boring bitch. I've been drawing for most of my life and my drawing skills aren't that good, especially in comparison to others around my age who have been drawing for as long as me (quite frankly, I'm below average), but there are still people who manage to find my drawing capabilities to be impressive since they usually don't have much experience with drawing. I have no other talents, btw. This is the closest thing I have to an actual skill.

True, I think your sketches are baller and I'm bad at sketching

i've probably ranted about this a million times now, sorry.
i'm just so fucking average, probably below average. i'm not good at anything. i suck at the skills that i have spent my entire life practicing, i'm terrible at new skills that i've recently starting working on. my personality is boring and i'm not funny. i'm fucking stupid. everything about me is so boring.
no one is ever interested in me. i'm good at interacting with people (irl) and i can engage in conversations, but it doesn't matter because apparently i'm too revolting for anyone to be interested in me in any capacity.

i want to stand out to at least one fucking person. i thought i was craving romantic attention at first, but i recently realized that i'm not.
i'm being a try-hard in all of my classes so i can at least stand out to my professors, but there's always multiple people who are just better than me. i can't even be recognized as the student who's trying way too fucking hard because no one cares.

it doesn't matter if i spend a lot of time focusing on one thing or if i throw myself into multiple things, i'm just never the best at anything i do. i'm only capable of being below average-average at best.

i just want to stand out and i think killing myself is the only way i can achieve that. most of the people in my life don't know anyone who has killed themselves, i'd stand out if i did it.

You remind me of a lot of me, unfortunately

I think it's the curse of adhd (auhd in my case) to be a jack of all trades and master of none that feels useless because being really good at one thing is just generally more impressive.

The one thing I'm exceptional in is kind of lame; I make chatbots by writing intros / example messages, and wrote some guides on doing that, also. I'm a niche internet microcelebrity, basically, and I made some friends doing that. I'm probably one of the best people at making bots on the site, which is an ego boost, but I think the feeling of inadequacy just extends to other things once you become very good at one thing and/or it invalidates your achievements.

I'm still not very good at composing music, and although I've improved, I still feel crappy sometimes about it. My biggest inadequacies atm are drawing/sketching (been doing it for literally a decade, still shitty) and piano (motor issues), and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to satisfy myself there. Additionally, there's the creeping "I'm not as good as other people my age" feeling; of lagging behind peers:

I don't know if it can ever be truly cured, but if you continue getting better at things you will gradually feel better overall.

 

[-Link-]

@sorararara -- Well, you come across as interesting here. And you're standing out here, at this time.

I'm skeptical of the notion that there are people who are inherently boring.

It will be more an issue of problems expressing oneself in real-world scenarios when feeling put on the spot and that self-imposed pressure to seem interesting to hold another's attention. That, and self-doubt. Doubt that anyone could be interested in you. Doubt that anyone could see you as good enough. Doubt that even if people get close to you, they'll actually stick around. It can also be a challenge finding like-minded people, depending on what you're into.

Take @EvisceratedJester here, a self-proclaimed "very boring bitch"... I mean, it's anyone's prerogative to label themselves whatever they want or however they feel about themselves. But based on what I see of her around the site here, the label reeeeeally doesn't seem fitting. At least from my own point of view.

If/When you find that special someone, it's not going to be because you're the best at something, or because your professors recognize your face, or because you're dazzling them with brilliant entertainment, or because you have the looks of a supermodel and brains of a supercomputer. It's going to be because they like you for who you are, in all your glorious averageness, like most of the other 8,000,000,000 of us on the planet.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Take @EvisceratedJester here, a self-proclaimed "very boring bitch"... I mean, it's anyone's prerogative to label themselves whatever they want or however they feel about themselves. But based on what I see of her around the site here, the label reeeeeally doesn't seem fitting. At least from my own point of view.

That's because we are online, so I feel more comfortable with being unhinged, rude, and aggressive. In real life, I'm actually quite boring. I don't really have any hobbies, I have no friends, and I'm actually very quiet and tend to let others walk all over me. Hell, I used to have to have trouble describing what my hobbies and interests were for assignments throughout all of my schooling because I didn't have any.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I am not good at anything either.

 

[-Link-]

That's because we are online, so I feel more comfortable with being unhinged, rude, and aggressive. In real life, I'm actually quite boring. I don't really have any hobbies, I have no friends, and I'm actually very quiet and tend to let others walk all over me. Hell, I used to have to have trouble describing what my hobbies and interests were for assignments throughout all of my schooling because I didn't have any.

I feel like the most outwardly boring person I've ever known. I live and breathe this every day of my life and in every interaction I have with any other human being.

What you just said here, I could have written about myself. Literally wouldn't have to change even a single word.

"Because we are online," our true selves are coming across. It's in the real world where we have trouble being our true selves whether for our anxiety or our depression or 57 other possible mental health conditions.

What I am trying to do is move away from, "I'm boring" (an emotions-based judgement of character that negatively impacts the self-esteem) to "I'm too debilitatingly socially anxious to express my true self to other people" (an objective fact that frames it as a rectifiable illness-based problem). It goes towards the preservation of self-esteem and trying to negate further damage and downward spiralling.

 

[pain6batch9]

Better to be boring and deep, than to be one of those extroverts with no substance. Maybe that's reductive.

I'm genuinely sit somewhere in the middle. But, as an experiment once, I was on a course, I decided I would be the extrovert. I put my natural instinct for anonymity to one side and really pushed the boat out. I was the class clown. And it felt really nice to be the joker who everyone liked to be around.

Then, a woman who was on the course with us had some bad news. Her husband was sick. We were all trying to console her. I took this opportunity to let her know she could count on me if there was anything I could do. Tried to be really sincere. She looked at me as if I'd grown another head.

The lesson I learned that day was thus: The more joker I became, the less people took me seriously when seriousness was required.

It was an interesting two weeks.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

"Because we are online," our true selves are coming across. It's in the real world where we have trouble being our true selves whether for our anxiety or our depression or 57 other possible mental health conditions.

Not necessarily. I feel like saying that is a way too simplistic way of thinking. When people are online, they may act differently but that doesn't paint a full picture of the person. The aspects of themselves that are shown in real life are a part of their true selves. They are a reflection of who we are in the real world, interacting with others. Online spaces can create a sense of disconnect, leading to others sometimes acting and thinking in ways that don't reflect the actual feelings and attitudes they have towards others when interacting in a real-life setting. People online may also feel the need to put on a persona in order to fit in with certain online communities. Your online self is part of your true self, but, by itself, it fails to paint the full picture.

A lot of the beliefs I hold on here are reflective of my true self. At the same time, the more quiet and reserved parts of me that are seen irl are also part of my true self. I am a boring person. It's easy to seem interesting online, but that isn't something that tends to really be reflected in my actual everyday life, even when I am by myself and free to do as I please.

Also, I'm not mentally ill. My irl demeanour is more of a result of my own experiences, along with a probable little sprinkle of genetic predisposition.

 

[-Link-]

@EvisceratedJester -- We have two different ways of looking at this, and that is OK.

I am selfishly very glad that we get the un-boring version of you here.

 

[complex]

Wow some the responses on here are truly WOW so so awesome to have people like that here xxxx. They truly express how much we punish ourselves if we don't feel we excel or are above average but who set these who decided what is normal who said being clever means u excel who says being extrovert draws u the right attention and is the right way to be. U be u and the right people will be drawn to u eventually xxxxx

 

[hell toupee]

That's because we are online, so I feel more comfortable with being unhinged, rude, and aggressive. In real life, I'm actually quite boring. I don't really have any hobbies, I have no friends, and I'm actually very quiet and tend to let others walk all over me. Hell, I used to have to have trouble describing what my hobbies and interests were for assignments throughout all of my schooling because I didn't have any.

You have a skill right under your nose that many people would definitely envy. Just look at your post. You have excellent writing skills, including composition and grammar. You'd be surprised how many bright, successful people would kill for that.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You have a skill right under your nose that many people would envy. Just look at your post. You have excellent writing skills, including composition and grammar. You'd be surprised how many bright, successful people would kill for that.

My grammar is pretty poor. I rely heavily on Grammarly for a reason, and even then, there are still a lot of grammatical mistakes in my posts. My writing skills are surprisingly not that good, especially in comparison to my peers. Hence why I hate it when I am expected to write stuff for class. I prefer classes, like my social psych class, that have our entire grade be based on our exams instead (all of the courses that are considered to be science-based have exams that are mostly multiple choice).

 

[unsaiddes]

I'm sorry, I feel the exact same. I'm a place holder in people's lives until someone more compelling and worthy comes to usurp me. I can't even take comfort in having a boyfriend, he doesn't actually love me - he just loves feeling loved. There's nothing remarkable about me aside from being off-putting and incoherent. At least you're not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Neowise]

it doesn't matter if i spend a lot of time focusing on one thing or if i throw myself into multiple things, i'm just never the best at anything i do. i'm only capable of being below average-average at best.

Man, I feel this. No matter how well I perform, no matter how long I practice something and perhaps even think "hey, this time I didn't do too bad" I find out I am once again below average. Not even average, just below. It is so demotivating to do anything, really. I wished I could be good at just one thing, but I suck so much because I am too stupid.

 

[hell toupee]

My grammar is pretty poor. I rely heavily on Grammarly for a reason, and even then, there are still a lot of grammatical mistakes in my posts. My writing skills are surprisingly not that good, especially in comparison to my peers. Hence why I hate it when I am expected to write stuff for class. I prefer classes, like my social psych class, that have our entire grade be based on our exams instead (all of the courses that are considered to be science-based have exams that are mostly multiple choice).

I don't know how much you rely on automation, but you compose your thoughts very well. Believe me, that is a skill. I used to be a technical writer and that's exactly the kind of talent they look for.