Venting I want to be selfish this one time.

[Monoblock_Chair]

I have stopped a shit ton of people from CTB. I mean a lot even this days I'm helping a 16 year old girl who is struggling a lot. I can't do ctb because my friends and my therapist and the people I stopped from ctb. They all love me a lot. I can't do ctb when I think of all of them. Then I start to feel guilty then when I get more depressed then I want to ctb then I get guilty thinking about them it's just a repeating cycle. Please! Is there someone who can help me stop this. I want to ctb that's all I want. Everyone says I'm a very good person that I care for everyone and etc etc:- if I'm a good person as they say why the fuck is god doing this to me?

I only have a very small amount of money left. My friend took my gun away so I can't use it to ctb now. I can't go back to working. I have to take a action before I ctb. If someone can help me ctb i will be very thankful. I want someone to brain wash me or hypnotize me I don't care I just want to stop caring for others.

 

[krokilo]

I have stopped a shit ton of people from CTB. I mean a lot even this days I'm helping a 16 year old girl who is struggling a lot. I can't do ctb because my friends and my therapist and the people I stopped from ctb. They all love me a lot. I can't do ctb when I think of all of them. Then I start to feel guilty then when I get more depressed then I want to ctb then I get guilty thinking about them it's just a repeating cycle. Please! Is there someone who can help me stop this. I want to ctb that's all I want. Everyone says I'm a very good person that I care for everyone and etc etc:- if I'm a good person as they say why the fuck is god doing this to me?

I only have a very small amount of money left. My friend took my gun away so I can't use it to ctb now. I can't go back to working. I have to take a action before I ctb. If someone can help me ctb i will be very thankful. I want someone to brain wash me or hypnotize me I don't care I just want to stop caring for others.

Maybe try spend some time alone by yourself, weeks or monts. Also look at SN method

 

[GasMonkey]

Nothing can stop somebody that REALLY wants to CTB.

 

[HighFlight]

You seem like a caring person who probably gains much of their strength from helping others, and if I read your post correctly you are stuck in a cycle of wanting to ctb but unable because of the people you saved. If you don't mind me asking, what brings you to want to ctb in the first place? How did this cycle get started?? (and as you once told me, I'm sorry if the question hurts. But just trying to see back to the beginning.)

Also, please don't think of yourself as a bad person for wanting to ctb - as it is not an indicator of a good or bad person. You can want to ctb for your own reasons, and still be a good person. The people on the site are an excellent example. I've said several time that I feel this community is one of the most open and supporting around, and therefore I would classify them as good people regardless of wanting to ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the true selfish thing would be expecting someone to cruelly stay here against their wishes when they want to die, none of us are obligated to continue existing here and it's a personal decision deciding when to escape from this existence we were burdened with, to me it's understandable just wishing to be free, I hope you find what you search for, best wishes.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

It's not your responsibility to make anyone happy or even stay alive for anyone. Selfishness is expecting someone to live in pain just because you don't want to miss them, is wanting their presence in your life despite the pain they're going through, a pain that you can't take away, but you can let them go.
Don't feel bad, and be proud of all the good you did!

 

[Monoblock_Chair]

Maybe try spend some time alone by yourself, weeks or monts. Also look at SN method

Being alone is a punishment to me.

You seem like a caring person who probably gains much of their strength from helping others, and if I read your post correctly you are stuck in a cycle of wanting to ctb but unable because of the people you saved. If you don't mind me asking, what brings you to want to ctb in the first place? How did this cycle get started?? (and as you once told me, I'm sorry if the question hurts. But just trying to see back to the beginning.)

Also, please don't think of yourself as a bad person for wanting to ctb - as it is not an indicator of a good or bad person. You can want to ctb for your own reasons, and still be a good person. The people on the site are an excellent example. I've said several time that I feel this community is one of the most open Big and supporting around, and therefore I would classify them as good people regardless of wanting to ctb.

The story is too long. Like 15 years. If I miss a small detail the story won't make sense. Then people will think I'm lying. People who get to know the actual story properly just become speechless and says idk how to help you. No one can help you. The only person who can is god.
I will try my best to take my time and explain it though. I'm already having a ton of trouble just to talk. This medications has ruined my ability to talk like a normal person.