I want to be open about myself but I can’t

[-nobodyknows-]

It's one of the most isolating feelings. There are so many things that I want to say but I can't. I don't want to cause problems, and I don't want to lose any more people in my social circle. I am already extremely lonely.

My solution to loneliness has always been to try and spend as much time with people I am comfortable with as possible. This causes a lot of problems, especially because when I am lonely I get very sad and suicidal. The longer I am lonely, the worse it gets.

In the past, I used to be a lot more upfront about this, which caused all sorts of problems. Generally, when you try to explain this concept to another person, they think you are trying to manipulate them. And for those that don't, they see it as a sort of burden or chore to be with you, and eventually get sick of it.

So, I don't tell people that any more. Instead I just try to bury these feelings until I can spend time with someone again. It doesn't really work too well though.

Has anyone ever encountered a similar problem? If so, how have you handled it?

-EDIT-

Another thing I should have mentioned - I don't like upsetting other people or causing problems. Even if it's more painful for me, I prefer to try to bury things so that others don't have to deal with it. I know this isn't healthy at all. But I hate being a problem. I've caused so many issues as a result of feeling this way, and I hate myself for it. Seeing the look in other people's eyes when they learn about these things is one of the hardest parts about telling anyone. That, combined with how much of a burden it is to deal with someone like me, makes me want to just try to conceal all of it.

 

[bankai]

I guess you're talking about the people in real life. I don't think that's possible. I've tried it myself and I get shut down pretty quick. Parents, Family, friends. It's too much for them to handle. It's too much for anyone who isn't suicidal to understand. They'll do one of two things. They'll change the conversation. Or they'll pretend they understand, but then they'll resent you for it later. Most likely push you away.

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm still not 100% there at 55 years of age... but I have at least realized that the worst thing I can do to myself is to not accept my feelings as real and to hide them.

I find it tough to be 100% honest. As much as I want to trust and I try really hard with people who mean something to me... I still struggle to be 100% open at all times... and I think that is a problem.

Sure, some people aren't going to be able to handle it... and most people don't want to hear it... but holding back only hurts you AND honestly if people don't want to hear it and can't handle it, then you don't need them specifically in your life.

I know... as a lonely person myself... the notion of driving away the handful of people you might have around isn't great... but if the only way you keep them is by hiding who you are, pretending to be okay when you are not, and otherwise putting their feelings ahead of your own just to not rock the boat... then they aren't really friends. They might not be evil or mean... but they aren't truly friends if you can't be yourself around them and be open and honest with them.

Friendship doesn't mean you agree all the time or understand everything or are always able to help... but friendship should mean you can be yourself. If you can't... if you hesitate... then you need a different friend.

I hate being alone... but I've hated more having people around me that I couldn't be myself or be open. When people told me they got tired of hearing me vent or whatever... that told me I didn't need them in my life. It is far more lonely to be with people and have to hide who you are than to just be actually alone.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I know... as a lonely person myself... the notion of driving away the handful of people you might have around isn't great... but if the only way you keep them is by hiding who you are, pretending to be okay when you are not, and otherwise putting their feelings ahead of your own just to not rock the boat... then they aren't really friends. They might not be evil or mean... but they aren't truly friends if you can't be yourself around them and be open and honest with them.

It's a little bit more complicated than that. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to upset people when they learn that I have these sorts of feelings. Even if it's more painful for me, I would rather they be happy. These sorts of emotions have a way of dragging others down with you, and I really dislike that.

 

[Dejected 55]

It's a little bit more complicated than that. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to upset people when they learn that I have these sorts of feelings. Even if it's more painful for me, I would rather they be happy. These sorts of emotions have a way of dragging others down with you, and I really dislike that.

But... and I know this is hard because I haven't mastered it myself... you don't make others happy by hiding yourself. IF they truly are only happy being around you when you pretend to be someone else... then you're not happy AND they aren't happy either. You will be at least moderately happier (less miserable at least) the more you can be yourself, and if they can't handle it then they will be happier not being around you.

You're pretending so they aren't hurt... they are pretending too.

Again, I haven't mastered this. I've posted about my struggles when I go out and someone asks how I am today and I want to say "miserable" but I stumble... but it pains me to have to hide and pretend I'm okay when I'm not and it doesn't really help them.

Think of this too... if you hide your sadness, then you deprive yourself of chances to get help AND you might be depriving a friend of a chance to see your pain and offer help or a shoulder. Sure, some might run away... but if that is their reaction, then why do you want to pretend for the sake of their feelings when they only want you if you are perfect for them?

I don't have all or really any of the answers. I just know that I'm trying in my final days to finally get over that hump and at least be my true self and stop hiding for the sake of others when it doesn't help me and they don't care anyway.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

if you hide your sadness, then you deprive yourself of chances to get help AND you might be depriving a friend of a chance to see your pain and offer help or a shoulder

I didn't always hide it. I was actually in treatment for a long time. But I gave that up when they told me I probably wouldn't recover.

As for giving a friend a chance… I don't know. I've had people try to do that, and it has never gone well. It's too much for other people to deal with. And there's nothing that I can give to them to make it worth their time.

It's definitely not an ideal situation. I can't exactly have close relationships without exposing that side of myself. So, I have to settle for the more casual connections.

 

[getoutgirl]

I've also debated it a lot, being fully open to those around me, the ones that were. There is a lot of messaging that if you deal with suicidality you should speak up, ask for help, tell others, be open. And I don't necessarily disagree, people should get help if they've never had it, or get better, or feel better. But that also oversteps a lot of complexity in these dynamics of someone else knowing you are suicidal, it's not all pink.

Like you say, you've been through that, some people change in face of that. Perfectly good relations you could've otherwise gotten a lot of joy and comfort from can turn sour. Just like that. They can judge. They don't see you in the same light, ever. There is now a burden to deal with, and a veil of fear, and eggshels around you and a deep down desire to be "safer" away from you, both from effort and the worry. Depends on the person. People are kind when it is easy to be so. Friendships and true connections can be tested in times like that... but I totally get why you'd even wanna do that when you can remain in good terms and more casual connections....

I considered telling everyone I know about my suicidality, the full extent of it, come clean in the why of a lot of my actions. Also as a way to trap me here, as with everyone knowing, killing myself without guilt would be imposible. So I'd just live with the knowledge that every time I walk into a room, they'd know. And every time I'd tell a joke, they'd know. And all the worry and sadness I'd inflict on them by letting them know would last forever since. I know I couldn't bear that guilt, but I couldn't die either so... I keep it to myself. That way everyone (else) is happy, and I have room to improve so maybe some day I don't even have the need to tell them.
But, that wasn't manageable either so eventually I cut everyone off so as not to hurt them and cos I couldn't deal with that much lying for that long :v
I'm not making a great point with this.

But I get it, if anything I empathize a lot. Truth is this is a hard decision you need to consider for every person. There is a reason why you also kinda want to tell others, because if you do find a person you can confide in, be truly open in what you feel and think, that's incredible. I wished. And so comforting and helpful. Worth it I'd say. So it's in terms of judging whether a certain person might manage it well, for longer than the immediate easy kindness, and care for you no matter what. that's a hard tell, so... :/
Usually people who already deal with mental health issues or suicidality can be good at that. Duh. thus this site and it's beautiful people.
I hope you can find people like that either in your current circles or in the future. And if you don't for now, that keeping it to yourself irl doesn't affect u too badly. Big hugs <3

 

[deep-sleeper]

I suffer from the opposite, my life got worse every time that I opened up to someone, most of them end up treating me worse than before.

I am sorry, but from my experience, most people don't know how to actually handle suicidal/mentally ill people, there's stuff that should only be between you and your therapist

 

[-Link-]

An avoidance mechanism in social anxiety is "masking" where you try to do and say what you think the other person wants/expects you to do and say. But instead of becoming closer to each other, it has the opposite effect: It creates distance and tension and can become emotionally exhausting for both parties.

It's like, you hold back on showing people your true self because you fear you'll trouble them or offend them or burden them. And yet it's this very behaviour that leads to your worries coming to fruition.

Consider how you, yourself, view other people: When another person says or does things you don't like, does that spoil your entire relationship with them? Or do you view it as a single facet of a many-faceted personality? In most cases, with most people, the occasional disagreement or conflict of interest doesn't change how they view the whole of the other person.

Give yourself permission to disagree or ruffle a few feathers or step on a few toes or raise some eyebrows. What's the worst that's going to happen? They cut you off as a friend? If I can be a little blunt here, it sounds like that's already happening. So, what do you have to lose?

It's definitely not an ideal situation. I can't exactly have close relationships without exposing that side of myself.

You're referring a lot specifically to wanting to talk to people about your loneliness and sadness. There does come a line where what you actually need is a therapist. I know you've been through a lot of treatment, but maybe what you need is just somebody to vent these emotions to. A couple other options: peer support groups, ChatGPT or its ilk, volunteer mental health services (eg. 7cups.com), the church (if that's a thing in your life).

You are not your sadness and loneliness. They are only a part of you, and even then, they are symptoms of an illness rather than an actual part of your personality.

I feel like you would do well to find another (traditional) outlet to let out a lot of your emotional pain. And then when you're with a friend, maybe that would help you access your 'whole self' as you try to be more open.

To be clear, any quality of friend should be able to hear you out as far as your emotions. I'm just getting the feeling you might be expecting more from a friend (especially a new friend) than what most people are actually capable of giving.

This isn't a matter of you being "a burden" on the other person. It's about the other person's own limitations as far as what they, themselves, are capable of giving, emotionally.

So, I have to settle for the more casual connections.

There's also an aspect to this whereby, maybe you just haven't met the right people.

Keep at it, and I hope you can find your way to showing others your whole, unapologetic self.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

You're referring a lot specifically to wanting to talk to people about your loneliness and sadness. There does come a line where what you actually need is a therapist. I know you've been through a lot of treatment, but maybe what you need is just somebody to vent these emotions to.

Maybe. That's a big part of the reason why I come here. However, it's just different doing that with someone who you are closer to. I don't really know how describe it - it just feels a lot more real, I guess.

The way therapy is designed also really just sucks when you want to talk about things. The reason why sessions are typically short is so you spend a lot of time working up the nerve to talk about things, and then only delving into it a little before time runs out. It's designed so that it's only comfortable to talk about things a little bit at a time. The problem with this for me is I always felt horrible for the rest of the day afterwards because I couldn't talk about things enough.

 

[-Link-]

The way therapy is designed also really just sucks when you want to talk about things. The reason why sessions are typically short is so you spend a lot of time working up the nerve to talk about things, and then only delving into it a little before time runs out. It's designed so that it's only comfortable to talk about things a little bit at a time. The problem with this for me is I always felt horrible for the rest of the day afterwards because I couldn't talk about things enough.

Of those options I mentioned, a traditional therapist is probably the least-appealing option in this particular context. I'd look at a peer support group, AI, or something like 7cups.com -- maybe in that order of preference. Something with less structure than the traditional therapy environment.

I'm familiar with some of your backstory as far as some of the things you've shared with us here, and I know what I'm saying here isn't overly ideal for your situation. I guess I'm just looking for anything that could translate into less pressure or 'overwhelm' on the part of a friend.

Maybe. That's a big part of the reason why I come here. However, it's just different doing that with someone who you are closer to. I don't really know how describe it - it just feels a lot more real, I guess.

I hear you, and I'd really like this for you. I'm just not sure about people being able to meet the implied threshold of emotional support.

There are well-meaning people who are of a mindset to be capable of meeting such a threshold. But for someone to be capable of this, what must their own life look like? What have they experienced in life that's rendered them capable of understanding and truly empathizing with such profound emotional pain? I'm kinda thinking the answer to that is, they have personal experience with the very thing you're seeking support for. They're living it, themselves.

The risk in such a connection, of course, lies within the instability inherent to living it, which is why I'd look towards those support options that have more built-in stability (eg. peer support groups, AI, 7cups.com). Then keep those stable, structured-not-too-structured options as a 'foundation of emotional support' while you continue pursuing those hard-to-find deep emotional social connections. And maybe along the way, you meet someone you really click with -- maybe someone who complements you in a way that makes you feel emotionally supported and safe and stable in your friendship, enough that it allows you to be the 'whole you' when you're with them.

I do believe in your potential as far as you eventually finding your way here. Very challenging. But definitely reachable.