Taking my own life is not the outcome that I want. There are things I enjoy doing more than dying. But I am such a garbage piece of person and so unfixable that I am absolutely stuck. You know what I want to be? I want to be a tree in my backyard. I want my husband to be able to sit under me and read magazines and I want to shade people from the sun and give birds a place to sit and squirrels something to climb and bugs something to eat and bacteria something to chew on, too. I am so much more useful to the world as a tree. That's my wish for my self when I do eventually die, however that ends up going.
I recently learned about something called alkaline hydrolysis, or "water cremation." Regular cremation ashes do not contain any organic material. There's nothing you can do with "ashes" such as using them to grow a plant. It's just ground up bone. And the bones are ground up by a person at the cremation facility after the cremation process is done. When you get regular cremated, you actually just become a greenhouse gas, puffed up into the air from a chimney on the incinerator. You go off into the troposphere eventually.
Alkaline hydrolysis on the other hand produces many gallons of nutrient rich liquid. It's a pressurized dissolution of your remains -- full of sugars, amino acids, fats, minerals, vitamins, everything that you were made of. You could easily water a tree with that and put all of your atoms into a tree. And then you would literally be a tree. This is what I want to happen to me.
I know that I can't take my own life. I know I don't have the courage to do it, and I don't have the means, and I don't want my husband to have to find me. I am pretty sure my life expectancy is low...I am 40. I have a fraught medical history that research shows will shorten my life. I may only have about 10 years left on this Earth as it is. I'm trying to find a way to wait well until my time is up.
I've never been wanted by humanity. Everywhere I go, I am ignored. Whenever I decide to have courage and put myself out there, I screw up. I embarrass myself. Over and over and over again. I am so exhausted from life. I want someone to hug me and say I did a good job and that it's okay, and I can go now.
Sometimes I imagine that there's my real mother, this spiritual being that's on "the other side" somewhere and she will meet me when I cross over, and she'll tell me she was waiting for me and that she's happy I'm here now. And that it'll be okay. I can become part of nature again. I don't have to be a human anymore. I don't have to suffer with this awareness anymore. That's what I dream. But that I can still be near the people I love as a tree that they can sit under. I want to finally be able to do good for the people in my life who have been burdened with having to pick up the pieces after all my fuck ups, love me even when I'm awful, provide shelter and food for me.
I am trash. I have so much, and I deserve none of it. I can't believe I am so lucky and so unlucky at the same time. To be cursed with awareness of what trash I am, how I could be better, and completely unable to implement any change. I am such a garbage human being for being so sad given everything I have that most people would kill to have. I have failed all of them. The pain is deep inside of me, its been there since I was born. I've always known I was different and that I didn't belong here. I actually used to try really hard to do better, for many years I tried. Decades. But like, I always knew I didn't really belong. I tried to ignore it. I tried to convince myself I did belong so that i'd have the energy to keep going. For a while, it worked, but I always crash again. I always fall back down again. I am very tired. I hope the end is coming soon. I think there is cancer somewhere in my body, just brewing. I hope it hurries.
I am counting down the days. I hope I can become a tree.
I recently learned about something called alkaline hydrolysis, or "water cremation." Regular cremation ashes do not contain any organic material. There's nothing you can do with "ashes" such as using them to grow a plant. It's just ground up bone. And the bones are ground up by a person at the cremation facility after the cremation process is done. When you get regular cremated, you actually just become a greenhouse gas, puffed up into the air from a chimney on the incinerator. You go off into the troposphere eventually.
Alkaline hydrolysis on the other hand produces many gallons of nutrient rich liquid. It's a pressurized dissolution of your remains -- full of sugars, amino acids, fats, minerals, vitamins, everything that you were made of. You could easily water a tree with that and put all of your atoms into a tree. And then you would literally be a tree. This is what I want to happen to me.
I know that I can't take my own life. I know I don't have the courage to do it, and I don't have the means, and I don't want my husband to have to find me. I am pretty sure my life expectancy is low...I am 40. I have a fraught medical history that research shows will shorten my life. I may only have about 10 years left on this Earth as it is. I'm trying to find a way to wait well until my time is up.
I've never been wanted by humanity. Everywhere I go, I am ignored. Whenever I decide to have courage and put myself out there, I screw up. I embarrass myself. Over and over and over again. I am so exhausted from life. I want someone to hug me and say I did a good job and that it's okay, and I can go now.
Sometimes I imagine that there's my real mother, this spiritual being that's on "the other side" somewhere and she will meet me when I cross over, and she'll tell me she was waiting for me and that she's happy I'm here now. And that it'll be okay. I can become part of nature again. I don't have to be a human anymore. I don't have to suffer with this awareness anymore. That's what I dream. But that I can still be near the people I love as a tree that they can sit under. I want to finally be able to do good for the people in my life who have been burdened with having to pick up the pieces after all my fuck ups, love me even when I'm awful, provide shelter and food for me.
I am trash. I have so much, and I deserve none of it. I can't believe I am so lucky and so unlucky at the same time. To be cursed with awareness of what trash I am, how I could be better, and completely unable to implement any change. I am such a garbage human being for being so sad given everything I have that most people would kill to have. I have failed all of them. The pain is deep inside of me, its been there since I was born. I've always known I was different and that I didn't belong here. I actually used to try really hard to do better, for many years I tried. Decades. But like, I always knew I didn't really belong. I tried to ignore it. I tried to convince myself I did belong so that i'd have the energy to keep going. For a while, it worked, but I always crash again. I always fall back down again. I am very tired. I hope the end is coming soon. I think there is cancer somewhere in my body, just brewing. I hope it hurries.
I am counting down the days. I hope I can become a tree.
Last edited:
