Venting I want so bad to CTB but I still can't figure how

[Alain]

I am ready. I'm ready since 1998, actually. But since 2015 my almost daily headaches became very hard to handle. It's just horrible. But I always had someone to take care of.

I knew my dad would not live much longer because he was very sick, hospitalized, and he already almost died twice by heart attacks few years before. So I didn't suicide, because I love him so much and he didn't deserve to lose one of his children. No matter how much I was in pain, I was ready to take it so he wouldn't have to lose a child. When he passed away, I still had to take care of my dog. No way I would have abandon him, he was my best friend, my baby. Sadly a lymphoma took him away from me in February and I miss him so much. Since then, there is nothing on this earth that I wouldn't leave right no just to stop suffering.

I'm more than ready, every single day I wake up in pain, physically and mentally. Every day I hope it's the last day. And all day long I think about how much I want to die.

But I'm stuck. I don't want my last moments to be painful, I deserve to die peacefully, with no more pain than I already have. It seems dumb when I write it but I really can't tolerate the idea of getting rid of my actual pain with another kind of pain. My last moments have to be the opposite of that.

I first chose the exit bag because it seemed reliable. But I can't get good quality helium or nitrogen unless I order it from another country and it's too expensive. Especially to do it right, you have to make a full and pretty complicated setup with enough quantity of helium. It's not possible with my bank account getting deeper every month.
N, it's just nearly impossible to get, and it's waaaaay too expensive too. Sounds super nice tho...
SN, I don't really trust that method. I seems a bit random.It's as hard as N to get in my country, and it doesn't seem painless for everyone according to the resources and the members of the forum who tried.
Hanging, I know would fail, I don't trust myself for that. And again, what on videos it looks like it hurts pretty badly before losing consciousness
Night-night seems very effective and is affordable. It does not look painful, at least when I see videos of people having fun by passing out with the help of their friends (people are so dumb, I know.). But I just can't even pass out when I try with my hands, it does nothing at all. I think I would chose this way if nothing better exists. But I'll have to practice a lot because obviously I really don't know how to do it (yes even with the megathread and the resources).

Damn, all I want is to go peacefully, in my bed, with no pain at all. Is it just impossible? Because it really seems to be.

 

[adios]

I'm so sorry you're going through this... truly I feel like media has a tendency to make suicide look easier than it actually is. I can't really give any recommendations, but I think there's a page out there(Lost all hope? Is that right) that rates the different methods on a pain scale.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's the R2D ReBreather, but no one has tested it yet that anyone knows of, so we're not sure if it actually works. If it works, it should be painless and potentially even pleasant.

 

[Alain]

I did read that a couple times. It gives a good idea of what you deal with when you ctb with these methods. But I don't know how being hit by a truck can make you suffer, unless you're not K.O. at the moment of the impact. I don't know how they calculated the suffering level of those examples tho.

There's the R2D ReBreather, but no one has tested it yet that anyone knows of, so we're not sure if it actually works. If it works, it should be painless and potentially even pleasant.

I won't be one of the people trying a method for the science. And I won't give a dime to Exit, I don't like them at all. Plus, if it fails, I will end with brain damages or shit like that. Nope =)

 

[deadpixels]

There's the R2D ReBreather, but no one has tested it yet that anyone knows of, so we're not sure if it actually works. If it works, it should be painless and potentially even pleasant.

I don't understand what's attractive on those kind of methods, the idea of putting anything on my face or my face on anything, or attaching something to me is always a big NO for me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I won't be one of the people trying a method for the science.

Me neither. Would never suggest it.

And I won't give a dime to Exit, I don't like them at all.

I don't like them, either. But they don't own or sell it. However, if you're looking at the Max Dog nitrogen setup, Max Dog is owned by Exit.

 

[Alain]

I don't understand what's attractive on those kind of methods, the idea of putting anything on my face or my face on anything, or attaching something to me is always a big NO for me.

It's not my definition of dignity either. But as long as it does not make me suffer and if I can do it laying on my bed, my dignity is a very small detail ^^