Venting i want myself to suffer

[willitpass]

i don't know why but for probably 6 years now i WANT myself to suffer. not always in a suicidal way either. i want to give myself a serious infection that spreads to my whole body. i have tried to amputate limbs. i have starved myself, dehydrated myself, consumed excessive amounts of caffeine. extremely self destructive behavior. i think it started as a way to gain control and now i don't know why. i've done terrible things to myself that can cause awful pain just because i can. i know some of them have to potential to kill me but that isn't why i do them. i do them because i like suffering

 

[Insomniac]

I used to self harm not too long ago to so I think I can relate although I never went as far as trying to amputate a limb. But I did starve and dehydrate myself on purpose to shift my focus from psychological pain to physical pain.

 

[fox_wannabe]

It is much better to admit it than become martyr for any cause. Or hide our suffering behind good intentions, in fact nothing good comes out of our suffering.

You are masochist, and as much as I could worry about you I am not going to knowing you have free will. But if there is any suffering you do not choose to feel and do anyways, remember that It is not of your fault. Do you like bdsm?

 

[willitpass]

It is much better to admit it than become martyr for any cause. Or hide our suffering behind good intentions, in fact nothing good comes out of our suffering.

You are masochist, and as much as I could worry about you I am not going to knowing you have free will. But if there is any suffering you do not choose to feel and do anyways, remember that It is not of your fault. Do you like bdsm?

i don't enjoy bdsm because i only like myself to inflict the pain. i like the control i have when i am the one inflicting the pain on myself. and i have no interest in causing pain for someone else so i definitely do not like to be on the other end of bdsm

 

[fox_wannabe]

i don't enjoy bdsm because i only like myself to inflict the pain. i like the control i have when i am the one inflicting the pain on myself. and i have no interest in causing pain for someone else so i definitely do not like to be on the other end of bdsm

I understand. I think you will be fine.

 

[willitpass]

i intend on giving myself a reasonably deep cut and then purposefully infecting it tonight. i want it to become horrible horrible infected

 

[Jaded Pear]

i intend on giving myself a reasonably deep cut and then purposefully infecting it tonight. i want it to become horrible horrible infected

i don't enjoy bdsm because i only like myself to inflict the pain. i like the control i have when i am the one inflicting the pain on myself. and i have no interest in causing pain for someone else so i definitely do not like to be on the other end of bdsm

Isn't it this not ideal? I guess is depends on what you infect yourself with. I feel like a bad infection would take control away from you. I don't know your situation, but I had a friend who had some pretty bad infections in the past. He was hospitalized and if anything he had even less agency. Couldn't walk for a while and couldn't do anything he wanted to. The infection and people treating him were in control and he could only really wait it out.

I'm no expert on self harm, the mentality behind it or you, but I feel like there would more reliable/controllable methods of hurting yourself. It is your choice, and I hope you get what you want out of it.

 

[wanttodie]

i don't know why but for probably 6 years now i WANT myself to suffer. not always in a suicidal way either. i want to give myself a serious infection that spreads to my whole body. i have tried to amputate limbs. i have starved myself, dehydrated myself, consumed excessive amounts of caffeine. extremely self destructive behavior. i think it started as a way to gain control and now i don't know why. i've done terrible things to myself that can cause awful pain just because i can. i know some of them have to potential to kill me but that isn't why i do them. i do them because i like suffering

what limbs have
tried to amputate some times I want to amputate my arms so I can bleed out and die

 

[Kobusu]

i don't know why but for probably 6 years now i WANT myself to suffer. not always in a suicidal way either. i want to give myself a serious infection that spreads to my whole body. i have tried to amputate limbs. i have starved myself, dehydrated myself, consumed excessive amounts of caffeine. extremely self destructive behavior. i think it started as a way to gain control and now i don't know why. i've done terrible things to myself that can cause awful pain just because i can. i know some of them have to potential to kill me but that isn't why i do them. i do them because i like suffering

I have this issue a lot. My suffering is more emotional than physical now since I stopped self-harming, but I've done a lot of this stuff too. It's horrible because it's hard to explain, at least for me. When people ask why, I can't give a logical answer because there isn't one really. You just feel like you need to suffer. Because you deserve to and because you want to. I'm sorry friend, I know how much it hurts.

 

[Wrennie]

i don't know why but for probably 6 years now i WANT myself to suffer. not always in a suicidal way either. i want to give myself a serious infection that spreads to my whole body. i have tried to amputate limbs. i have starved myself, dehydrated myself, consumed excessive amounts of caffeine. extremely self destructive behavior. i think it started as a way to gain control and now i don't know why. i've done terrible things to myself that can cause awful pain just because i can. i know some of them have to potential to kill me but that isn't why i do them. i do them because i like suffering

I can understand & relate to everything you've said to a degree. You aren't alone. In my case I think I became so conditioned to suffering that I now actively seek it out because 'not' suffering feels too foreign and strange to me.

 

[Messgram]

there is no need to cause yourself more suffering. You will clearly regret it.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

When I was working through my emotional trauma I would self harm because it made me forget about the emotional pain for a minute. But I never went far with it because I didn't want it to be obvious. I hope you can find a healthier way to release the emotional pain. Vent it out here if you don't have anyone irl to talk to.