Venting I want my parents dead, so I can be free

[foreverfalling]

I should be careful what I wish for... Just a few months ago my mentality was that I would be distraught and broken if my parents were to ever pass. They are the only people in the world I really have a relationship with and actually look out for me. I wouldn't know what to do or how to live if that were to happen, I'd be burdened with all sorts of responsibilities that would turn my life up side down. I'd try to look on the bright side, thinking if they were to pass then I'd finally be able to go myself.

Well last night it suddenly felt different, almost psychopathic and numb. No sadness, perhaps a little anger or resentment even. I felt like I wanted them dead so I can be free. I have no motivation to live at this point, the only thing keeping me is them. I live for them, and I always have, my only attachments to this world. I can't make any plans or actually try to CTB because they are around. I also feel an obligation to them. And so I trudge along this weary existence. Doing the same thing everyday like a zombie. They even tell me, this is what it is to live. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. "Such is life".

If they were dead I'd be able to prepare my method and have it ready. Then perhaps I could even begin to live life a bit, taking risks, do some crazy shit and having the safety net I need to fall back on. But no, they are around, and I have to live up to their image of being a good boy, not rocking the boat, obedient, silent, a moving carcass. Living for the fucking sake of living. I imagined screaming at them, "I'm just waiting for you to go so that I can go too". I continue to suffer this pointless existence.

I wonder do people have a lot more attachments to life than this? Like their whole family, friends, belongings, job, status, hobbies. Does that keep them alive and force them to live?

 

[Hope:-)]

I think healthy attachment does help people live and get satisfaction from their lives. I don't have that and that has definitely affected how I feel about continuing my life.

 

[jitendrabagaria786@]

I want my mother dead so i can live freely...... There was a time when I couldn't think of living without her..

 

[FuneralCry]

I do wish that we lived in a world where suicide is not so stigmatised and then we could be open about our ctb plans without all of the secrecy and fear of being interrupted and then just exit peacefully when the time is right. I live with family members which is one of the things that makes planning ctb difficult for me. I just hate how we live in a world that tries to force people to suffer against their wishes and makes it as difficult as possible for us to die.