Venting i want my body to suffer

[willitpass]

i want to stop eating and drinking, not to die (though that would be an added bonus), but to make my body fight. i want my organs to start to shut down, i want my circulation to be shit. i want to drink so much caffeine my heart is working too hard. i don't know what, but i like the idea of causing my body harm. not just external self harm like cutting, but i get a thrill out of the idea of internal damage. my mind is fucked up

 

[Rayzieka]

I have similar feelings and can't really get a grasp on why I might feel that way other than searching for some other strong feeling besides despair.

 

[Beeper]

i want to stop eating and drinking, not to die (though that would be an added bonus), but to make my body fight. i want my organs to start to shut down, i want my circulation to be shit. i want to drink so much caffeine my heart is working too hard. i don't know what, but i like the idea of causing my body harm. not just external self harm like cutting, but i get a thrill out of the idea of internal damage. my mind is fucked up

It's as though we are punishing ourselves for some reason. Not sure how it gets to this point, but I can relate.

I think there is an element of self-hatred. A disappointment with things I have or have not done. I hold myself accountable to things outside of my control and expect more from myself than I would from other people.

 

[Clarity In Kerosene]

im too much of a pussy to ctb so ill kill myself from the inside out. The consequences of my actions won't be felt until later but hopefully by then it'll be too late

 

[BabyFears]

I do relate, I felt like it was a crazy stuff no one else was relating to. I'm in another down right now and eating has started to be unbearable. Like I hate myself for feeding me even though I'm hungry. When I was really bad I starved myself, I drank so much coffee and smoked one cigarette after another even though I hated it. I just wanted to hurt myself that way...

 

[willitpass]

i've started drinking energy drinks for caffeine as well as coffee. i used to refuse to drink energy drinks because they are so full of chemicals. now that's why i drink them

 

[Hateyouprolife]

i've started drinking energy drinks for caffeine as well as coffee. i used to refuse to drink energy drinks because they are so full of chemicals. now that's why i drink them

So relatable. Just a month ago I tasted one I liked taste. Now I can actually feel the difference the caffeine gives.

I also thought they are full of chemicals, but what does it matter if im gonna ctb anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess any form of self harm can be a way of dealing with our mental pain. It can be a relief for many. I understand why people do it, but I already feel bad enough without needing to cause myself to experience more pain.

 

[Darkover]

i try to starve myself to death a few times back when i was 20 managed a few days at best before the hunger became unbearable