Help I want help but I refuse to have my rights restricted...

[AgentAlaniKelso]

I find myself back here again on this page, again hoping for support, but this time for a different reason. In previous posts, I shared what was happening with me and how close I came to finally setting myself (and others) free from the burden of my existence. I look back on those two posts now and it truly breaks my heart to see how bad I was hurting and how desperate I was for ANY kind of connection. Things have improved but I still feel like there is more work to do.

I'm here asking for help. I'm so tired of feeling like things would be better if I were gone. I DONT want to be gone. I want to live to be crusty, old, cantankerous, live for more than a hundred years. I just turned 40 this year (I NEVER thought I would make it to 40...) and the thought of living the next thirty, forty, fifty or more years feeling this way is a torment. In the past, I felt I deserved to feel like my life was worthless and I was worthless. Finally, I know that's not true, I believe in my soul that's not true. But I just cant beat the thought of, "Just walk over to the safe and pull out the gun - It will be over before you even feel it." To be honest, these thoughts have been a significant obstacle to me feeling like I can live my life as my true self.

I want help but I know sharing my truth with my PCP or therapist triggers, shall we say, processes that ostensibly are meant to keep someone "safe." I've worked in healthcare long enough to know what happens when someone expresses ideation or thoughts of self harm. Hell, in the past it has been ME who has started the ball rolling on involuntary holds and involuntary custody for "safety." The systems we have in place to "help" result in people losing their rights, losing access to their possessions, losing access to their firearms, losing access to their unrestricted freedom, and potentially losing jobs/housing. The systems that are meant to "help" result in MORE hardship and turmoil than if someone simply keeps their mouth shut. And that's bullshit.

I want help but I refuse to have my rights restricted. I'm not losing my job, my guns, my freedom, my livelihood, my lifestyle, my purpose - for me, those restrictions are worse than feeling the way I've felt for the last almost 30 years. I know if I tell my therapist how I truly feel about things that my life will forever change and not for the better. I truly want help but the fear of losing everything I've worked so hard for is holding me back from getting that help.

Does anyone know how I can speak my authentic and real truth (rather than the censored version) without risking everything? Can/should I tell my therapist what my fear is if I tell the "whole" truth? I trust her, but all it takes is one call to unravel everything. Any ideas?

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I'm trying to gauge where you're at, friend. I see you posted this in suicide discussion, but it seems perhaps you're working towards recovery.

Talking openly with a therapist about ctb / ideation is challenging. In my experience it varies according to your relationship with the practitioner.

What are you scared to share with them?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

If you really want help I think telling the whole truth is necessary..
I mean, being only helped half won't do good..

In my country a therapist is obliged to " never tell what is been said in a therapie session, it's all confidential '

Not sure how that's in your country ofcourse.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Just admitting to suicidal thoughts shouldn't be enough to get you locked away. You have to be in imminent danger.

 

[AgentAlaniKelso]

I'm trying to gauge where you're at, friend. I see you posted this in suicide discussion, but it seems perhaps you're working towards recovery.

Talking openly with a therapist about ctb / ideation is challenging. In my experience it varies according to your relationship with the practitioner.

What are you scared to share with them?

I want to share the thoughts that pop into my head when I get to a dark place. I feel like the words are waiting to burst out of my chest. But the fear of "what if..." is holding me back.

Just admitting to suicidal thoughts shouldn't be enough to get you locked away. You have to be in imminent danger.

The trouble is during my online therapy sessions, I'm literally in the same room as my gun safe and she knows that. Hell, it's on camera in the corner. I have access, the means, the "motivation". As a nurse, if a patient said to me, "I have guns, I have ammo, and sometimes I want to kill myself"... well... that's a one-way ticket in most cases.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

That makes sense. In my experience you can share those thoughts freely with a clinician you've developed trust with, if they understand that you don't immediately plan to act on them.

I think there's space to be honest with a therapist you've developed trust with. If you feel you need to develop that trust more before you feel comfortable, you can open up about that concern that you have things you want to share but you're unsure. I did this once with my therapist and it was positive. It was helpful to understand more directly from them how they feel about such discussions.

 

[AgentAlaniKelso]

That makes sense. In my experience you can share those thoughts freely with a clinician you've developed trust with, if they understand that you don't immediately plan to act on them.

I think there's space to be honest with a therapist you've developed trust with. If you feel you need to develop that trust more before you feel comfortable, you can open up that concern that you have things you want to share but you're unsure. I did this once and my therapist and it was positive. It was helpful to understand more directly from them how they feel about such discussions.

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience. I think I'll very delicately approach the topic when I meet with her next. "There are things I want to share but I'm concerned about...". I DO want help with these feelings, but it has to happen on my terms. Thank you

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I want to share the thoughts that pop into my head when I get to a dark place. I feel like the words are waiting to burst out of my chest. But the fear of "what if..." is holding me back.

The trouble is during my online therapy sessions, I'm literally in the same room as my gun safe and she knows that. Hell, it's on camera in the corner. I have access, the means, the "motivation". As a nurse, if a patient said to me, "I have guns, I have ammo, and sometimes I want to kill myself"... well... that's a one-way ticket in most cases.

Do you trust in the competence of your therapist? Be honest with her about what you have shared with us here: you desperately want to get past feeling suicidal, you have no imminent plans, and you want to avoid hospitalization at all costs. She likely doesn't want that outcome at all either.

The presence of guns or not, I just don't see how that mindset warrants being committed.

 

[AgentAlaniKelso]

Be honest with your therapist about what you have shared with us here: you desperately want to get past feeling suicidal, you have no imminent plans, and you want to avoid hospitalization at all costs. She likely doesn't want that outcome at all either.

Yes... you're right. I know she doesn't want that either... It's not a constant thing, the feelings are very fleeting and highly situational. Maybe I need help with better coping strategies?

 

[landslide2]

That you looked back at your post, yourself, and saw how much you were hurting is huge. I went back to read it. I wouldn't be explicit with a PCP, but since you brought that up. Are you wanting to try medication?

Do you also meet them in person ever? If you trust your therapist, still you don't have to be super explicit (that your mind has gone to plans) right away. Even if you get asked that, you have a right to be guarded, remember that. Maybe you can then sense if you can start to build a new level of trust by admitting to having *some* thoughts, keeping it general to start. but be mindful and be ready for certain questions. Have things been going well at work? It's good to remind yourself and your therapist what's been stable and keeping you going.

 

[AgentAlaniKelso]

That you looked back at your post, yourself, and saw how much you were hurting is huge. I went back to read it. I wouldn't be explicit with a PCP, but since you brought that up. Are you wanting to try medication?

Do you also meet them in person ever? If you trust your therapist, still you don't have to be super explicit (that your mind has gone to plans) right away. Even if you get asked that, you have a right to be guarded, remember that. Maybe you can then sense if you can start to build a new level of trust by admitting to having *some* thoughts, keeping it general to start. but be mindful and be ready for certain questions. Have things been going well at work? It's good to remind yourself and your therapist what's been stable and keeping you going.

We don't meet in person. I don't feel comfortable sharing everything but based upon the response, I am comfortable at least discussing the subject in generalities.

I don't want meds. I work out everyday, I sleep at least seven hours, I long distance run several times a week, I don't drink, I do everything I can to take care of my physical self. I don't feel like at this point meds would be a step in the right direction.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes... you're right. I know she doesn't want that either... It's not a constant thing, the feelings are very fleeting and highly situational. Maybe I need help with better coping strategies?

Do you trust the competence of your therapist? A competent therapist isn't going to overreact the way you fear if you reveal these things to her. If you feel she will overreact then you don't trust her competence (no judgment there) but that also calls into question the utility of your work with her.

I don't want meds. I work out everyday, I sleep at least seven hours, I long distance run several times a week, I don't drink, I do everything I can to take care of my physical self. I don't feel like at this point meds would be a step in the right direction.

That's definitely your prerogative and your aversion is certainly understandable.

 

[lita-lassi]

if youre maybe interested in posting with others working towards recovery on ss, theres a very friendly "id like to feel better" thread pinned in recovery filled with lovely people. judgement-free zone where progress isnt linear and quite a few of us discuss our hesitations and frustrations with the various healthcare systems we're beholden to. we're quite welcome to anyone looking for ways to feel better or vent their agony just wanted to extend a friendly invite if you ever felt like being a little social with your recovery :)

edit: thats not to say people here arent just as lovely and helpful!

 

[findingquiet]

Perhaps give her some kind of indication you're already working to keep yourself safe - and perhaps even actually do something. Stash the ammo in a separate safe; write a list of non-CTB goals and attach it to that safe.

Then tell her something like "I found myself with some hope and worried how I'd feel if I lost it again, and recognized that the guns represented a danger, so I took some steps to make anything like that harder for myself." Tell her you don't think you're in imminent danger, and that you are coming into a sense of valuing your own life enough that you don't want the comfort of an easy out anymore.

Then tell her the steps you took with the ammo.

 

[AgentAlaniKelso]

Do you trust the competence of your therapist? A competent therapist isn't going to overreact the way you fear if you reveal these things to her. If you feel she will overreact then you don't trust her competence (no judgment there) but that also calls into question the utility of your work with her.

That's definitely your prerogative and your aversion is certainly understandable.

I met with my therapist today and told her about my hesitation to share an issue that's been continuously bothering me. I then shared about some of the thoughts I've had, what seems to trigger them, and what I've done to mitigate/deescalate.

It went VERY well and she shared she knew I was safe and she believed I was not going to hurt myself. No reporting, no involuntary restrictions, nothing like that. She said she understood my hesitation but she was very glad I shared that I was struggling with this. She says she can help me. I am SO RELIEVED. This has been a problem for me for so long (decades) that I feel so much better even getting it off my chest. AND she can help me.

Thank you to everyone who commented and encouraged me to tell her. You were right and I truly thank you. It feels like the heavy weight of shame has just been pulled from my shoulders. Thank you.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I met with my therapist today and told her about my hesitation to share an issue that's been continuously bothering me. I then shared about some of the thoughts I've had, what seems to trigger them, and what I've done to mitigate/deescalate.

It went VERY well and she shared she knew I was safe and she believed I was not going to hurt myself. No reporting, no involuntary restrictions, nothing like that. She said she understood my hesitation but she was very glad I shared that I was struggling with this. She says she can help me. I am SO RELIEVED. This has been a problem for me for so long (decades) that I feel so much better even getting it off my chest. AND she can help me.

Thank you to everyone who commented and encouraged me to tell her. You were right and I truly thank you. It feels like the heavy weight of shame has just been pulled from my shoulders. Thank you.

That's good. I am glad. Remember they primarily go by how you behave and what you say so if you can remain in control of yourself (certainly seems so) as well as not say blatantly alarming things (can do, right?) the risk of commitment is very, very low!

 

[kyhoti]

Way to go! That takes guts. My functioning pew-pews are all in a safe at a friends house (I think; he won't tell me where they are or let me go through them). That was my best solution to avoid impulsive action; still sucks tho.