Story I want child me to have her happy ending

[rosenwasser]

I have had a very weird thought process the last few days that I want to share with someone. I think it was triggered by a therapy session a few weeks ago where some of the abuse I experienced was discussed (and that there is no need to forgive anyone for it).

I don't think about my childhood much. But it did recall it in the days following that session on the subway when going to work, in the evening when I was watching the river flow by. And somehow the "little me" became somewhat separate or dissociated from current me in a way that I thought to myself "What happened to her wasn't right". Maybe it's because I kept so much distance from it for such a long time that I can see it obejctively now?

That's sort of obvious when it comes to serious abuse of minors but I think you can understand that my brain doesn't really work like that. I did spend my childhood convinced that I have to deserve this somehow, desperately trying to be good (it could never be enough). I'm aware that I still carry a lot of that mindset today. I think of myself as a fundamentally bad person that doesn't deserve love or compassion or happiness.

But kid me seems to be a different case lately. When I think of what happened, I see a child that could never deserve this, because no child ever deserves this and the beliefs kid me had about the abuse she endured make me profoundly sad. Now, I could, of course, die and therefore end the suffering for us both. But in some way, I feel like I'd be proving my/her abusers right by doing this - never should have been born, waste of space, dumb, worthless - that's something they said. And I don't want that to be her ending. It doesn't feel right. I want to prove them wrong. And as stupid that probably sounds, I want the kid me to experience happiness and peace and to know that she has the strength to live though that. I was a really sweet, idealistic and ambitious kid, wanted to get out of the hellhole I grew up in, wanted to go to college, wanted to be an astronaut back then.

I'm not really attepting to become an astronaut anymore but I did get to live in the city and I did get into college (even if I'm a case of a serious late bloomer in that regard). Apparently I'm not so dumb, even though I need more time for stuff than others. I also got a traineeship at a very well-known international organisation (no details because I don't want to doxx myself haha) by some miracle that starts in a few months. That's really a lot of luck for someone with my CV and tbh not something I would expect to experience ten years ago. And again, I'm aware of how stupid that sounds, but I'm kind of excited to show kid me - "Look where we are now, you did this". I did now decide to stay alive at least until then to experience that.

I cried a lot over this the last few days but it wasn't the bad sort of crying. I don't have the compassion I need for adult me just yet. There are things adult me failed at that I can't forgive myself for, there are negative convictions about myself that are still everywhere, everyday, it's like they are woven into the pattern of my reality. But I have the compassion for kid me now and somehow it actually translates to something that feels different and new and like some sort of an intrinsic will to live that currently often keeps me from falling into some deep depressive hole on my bad days. I don't know if this is some weird part of a healing process but I'm open to it. I will discuss it with my therapist next time I see her but I can't be quite open about suicidal thoughts with her and how big of a change this is to me so I thought I'd share it here - I hope it doesn't sound too freaky.

 

[not_telling]

All of that sounds awesome! I'm sorry your "child self" went through all that, but I'm glad that the present you has the perspective of showing her a good future. If it is part of some sort of healing process, I really hope that you can find some happiness in this life! Not many people here get to have that, it's a deep deep hole and really hard to climb out of, but it looks like you have found a reason to try, and whether or not you can get out of it, I hope you can find peace in the end. Go and show the child inside you that you can slay! Best of luck, OP!
All of that sounds awesome! I'm sorry your "child self" went through all that, but I'm glad that the present you has the perspective of showing her a good future. If it is part of some sort of healing process, I really hope that you can find some happiness in this life! Not many people here get to have that, it's a deep deep hole and really hard to climb out of, but it looks like you have found a reason to try, and whether or not you can get out of it, I hope you can find peace in the end. Go and show the child inside you that you can slay! Best of luck, OP!

 

[Hitakiri]

I just came across this, and I see a lot of myself in you. It's uncanny. I've seen a few posts of yours in the past, and the more I do, the more I feel like I really resonate with you. I can't say I ever particularly had this thought process regarding "child me" but I get it. I usually don't partake in forums much, and haven't been coming to this site very frequently ever since the chat disappeared. This is mainly because I've always been rather private and reserved, so I don't feel entirely comfortable being open in a post where any random person can read. I've always preferred to converse individually and privately.

I've also experienced deep rooted trauma as a child and tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong. Even in a failed relationship where a partner cheated, I'd somehow find more fault in myself, then them. Being as I tend to be more introverted, I usually keep to myself and as such I've never been very great at forming connections with anyone. Still, I'd like to try in this case, if you're open to it. I'm not sure if you'd ever seen it, but I sent a private message to you once before, around a month or so ago. I feel like we have very similar natures, and might genuinely connect on a level either of us otherwise rarely does.

I know this seems rather sudden and random, but I'd love to talk more with you and really get to know you. You cab message me, or reply here if interested, and if not, I'll respect that and won't reach out again.