I wanna go so bad

[FoxSauce]

Been feeling like absolute shot i dunno how to begin

The only thing i want is peace and im not sure if ill ever find it. To be honest i wanna cry,scream, yell but i absolutely cant,i cant feel anything plus i feel like i have not a good enough reason to be like this. I really just wanna rot in my bed but since i live with my mother she would only tell me not to let get the better of me, which i can see where shes coming from but im trying. Although therapy helps my highs and lows are so exhausting, I honestly eel like im a disgusting , worthless peice of shit that deserves all the shitty stuff in my way. Ive been coping to with cleaning (odd I know, helps me forget) plus being here makes me read you guys stuff which I personally like.

I just want to be happy but is the hardest to come but all i want is to give up and kill myself already but i dont wanna cause pain to anyone. I dont wanna live thats that , but i feel like i dont have a choice. Sometimes i feel disconected from my own life. I dunno where im gonna end up. Deep down i feel my mom is embarrassed by me.

I really feel like im making a big issue out of nothing and i feel like venting to someone over and over would make them burnt out. So i rather bury my emotions i know its not the healthiest thing to do but works, cuz i struggle with intense emotions. Plus if i self harm my mom and sisters would just be mad at me.

I really having thoughts of killing myself but I'm fighting as best I can, sorry if im playing victimi know people have it worst than me This forum has truly helped me express what i feel in full and people that struggle just as much others do.

Anyways hope everyone has a amaizing day

Sorry for rambling

 

[heyhellohai9281624]

Hi!

Never be sorry for speaking up about your feelings. I don't think you should belittle your problems.

I once heard a quote that went something along the lines of "If one person was drowning 20ft under water and the other one 2ft under, they are both still drowning." I hope you catch what I'm trying to say here. We all have our problems and we tend to invalidate our own problems. Every single reason you feel this way is valid, and if it helps you, you should try and speak up about them maybe one at a time. Just because they feel "small" or "invalid" to you definitely doesn't mean that they are.

I honestly relate with that cleaning coping mechanism. There's just something about cleaning, I feel like cleaning helps me feel like even if my head isn't clear or clean, atleast my environment is. And it's honestly a good way to get ur thoughts elsewhere. I would like to state that I'm very happy and proud that you've found a coping mechanism, that's a great start.

When you're down in life and something bad happens, you'll automaticially feel much worse about everything. It also affects your confidence, making you feel like a failure and like you can't do anything right, which is not true. Things getting better and recovering take a long time. Starting to love yourself is also very difficult if you've been consumed by self-hatred.

I'm open if you wanna talk about your feelings, I don't know how much help i'll be but then you'd have someone that doesn't get burnt out!

I hope some of my words helped to ease your mind, lots of love to you and I hope you find some sort of way to achieve peace in your mind and life