Venting I wanna CTB so much now but sth keeps me back although everything is desperate and hopeless

[Praestat_Mori]

The logic pushes me to bring my existence with all its agony and suffering to an end because my situation won't get any better. But there's a non logic part pushing against it with the same strength. Life and existence is unbearable this way.

I'm somehow paralyzed and I can't even get done very little things knowing that if I don't do them now things will get even worse.

Somehow I have the feeling I just want to make my life harder than it alrready is just to get the last and final push to CTB.

No idea any more I just want this to end. I'm trapped.

 

[Aisley]

There are deposits of garbage in my home, but I don't see them. I smell them, but only because it's summer, so I'll not think about it, wait it out until winter. Are these the little things you mean? I'm sorry you're stuck; immobilization can be as much a trap as anything else.
People say SI needs to be beaten, but that's a two headed beast. There's the organism, the body that fights to live, but there's also the mind, the 'us' that want it as well.
Is there a physical timeline, like a race against the loss of physical autonony or something? Because I know you know this, but it's not a race. Much more important that when you do it, you're fully on board about it. And again, I know you know that already.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@Aisley Thanks for your reply. Actually the "problem" that kills me is an existencial crisis / financial for me personally, it kills me, not to find a (for me personally) satisfying way out of it, although everything else would be fine. That may sound weired and stupid compared to the problems so many others have here. But still it kills me because I'm not used to "no success and no power to get out of a miserable situation". I'm not used to that. And that kills me.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm the same as you my friend: The cold, hard logic part of me is battling against the emotional side.
This constant war needs to end soon in favour of cold, hard logic.
Emotions are the enemy and must be defeated.
So sorry you are going through this too.

 

[90starve]

The logic pushes me to bring my existence with all its agony and suffering to an end because my situation won't get any better. But there's a non logic part pushing against it with the same strength. Life and existence is unbearable this way.

I'm somehow paralyzed and I can't even get done very little things knowing that if I don't do them now things will get even worse.

Somehow I have the feeling I just want to make my life harder than it alrready is just to get the last and final push to CTB.

No idea any more I just want this to end. I'm trapped.

i feel the same way lately :(

existence just seems so bleak and so hopeless - but something keeps holding me back, and i don't know what it is. in my heart, i know so much that i don't want to continue in this life - but i'm in a constant battle with my own mind over taking the final step toward freedom.

im sorry that you're experiencing these feelings - it can be entirely exhausting. thinking of you <3

 

[Aisley]

It's not weird or stupid at all. Money is the key to every door. And having had it, and knowing that? I used to have something all the time, too and now I get none. When I say none, like your typical married person, I actually mean none. Like it's been at least six years. And it KILLS me.
Money might be the number one reason for suicide, and it gets second-guessed by others far less than mental illness. I mean in an after-the-fact kind of way. People nod sadly, like 'makes sense' sort of gesture. Like poverty is some insurmountable, inevitable beast, and everyone knows it. I'm sorry you're stuck here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped in this dreadful existence, existing certainly is so torturous, of course there's no real relief from suffering in this world. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[just_so_done]

I can really relate to that, feeling paralyzed and not doing things even tho logically you know it will make things worse. I feel useless, watching as my dishes stack up, as my laundry piles up for months, no cleaning, can barely leave the house. I just can't function making it harder to actually do everything i need to prepare for ctb. Maybe you guys are right and its this battle of keeping me here but i cant take it anymore. i wish i could give myself an adrenaline shot or something and just get everything done and leave this place. Sorry you're going through this, feel for you

 

[Sweet Tart]

It's not weird or stupid at all. Money is the key to every door. And having had it, and knowing that? I used to have something all the time, too and now I get none. When I say none, like your typical married person, I actually mean none. Like it's been at least six years. And it KILLS me.
Money might be the number one reason for suicide, and it gets second-guessed by others far less than mental illness. I mean in an after-the-fact kind of way. People nod sadly, like 'makes sense' sort of gesture. Like poverty is some insurmountable, inevitable beast, and everyone knows it. I'm sorry you're stuck here.

Excellent points.