Venting I truly despise my existence

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

As a quick summary, I hate myself.
I've gone through anything I could like about myself and there is truly nothing. I suppose my eyes, but then again I hate the shape of them..I'm ugly, lonely, retarded, and stuck in a woman's body. And dear God help my mind is crumbling. Everyday I forget something, I can't keep track of time anymore, I'm begining to lose myself; on the internet every second I can, dissociating and daydreaming 24/7. I'm delusional, paranoid, and more. For what I feel safe saying, I have rather violent thoughts too. [I have never ever acted these out and don't plan to.] Like hurting people or animals, It's hard to be around my pets anymore. I worry, am I going insane? Am I riddled with some psychotic disorder that will destroy my life? I already feel little empathy for people, but I had assumed that was my depression. I feel sick and awful. I have always been a problem for people[having been a rude child, too clingy in my present days, etc] so I must relieved everyone of me before something can go wrong.

I just..I don't know. I'm afraid and almost literally losing it. I'm so fucking depressed. I have to kill myself, I need to, to save myself from this curse called life. God willing I will be able to be free soon. I am too afraid to tell my therapist this. Therapy doesn't help me anyway

If you read this, thanks. It feels nice to know someone may care at least enough to read this shit

 

[Octavia]

I am sorry that you are not doing well… Intrusive thoughts are rather common, the important part is to not act on them.

You said that you feel like you are stuck in a woman's body, could you elaborate on that?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm a bit curious. also, as to what the OP means by being stuck in a woman's body? Do you have gender dysphoria? Also, if you aren't honest 100% with your therapist, how could you ever expect them to help you? Maybe not about wanting to CTB, but the rest for certain.

 

[sorrowful]

sorry you are struggling, i can relate to a lot of what you've said.

it's unfair we are forced onto this earth and then made to suffer with no easy way out. after so much pain we deserve a peaceful, fast exit. instead we have to resort to methods that can be unreliable and painful. i find for me death is the only escape, if only we did not live in such an anti choice society.

 

[Octavia]

I'm a bit curious. also, as to what the OP means by being stuck in a woman's body? Do you have gender dysphoria? Also, if you aren't honest 100% with your therapist, how could you ever expect them to help you? Maybe not about wanting to CTB, but the rest for certain.

I am wondering if they have gender dysphoria as well, perhaps that medically transitioning would make their situation better if it is not an avenue that they had considered before. Testosterone is quite powerful when it comes to changing one's body.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you have to endure, I agree that it's certainly a curse feeling trapped in this world and there is certainly no peace from suffering as long as one exists here. But anyway best wishes.

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

I'm a bit curious. also, as to what the OP means by being stuck in a woman's body? Do you have gender dysphoria? Also, if you aren't honest 100% with your therapist, how could you ever expect them to help you? Maybe not about wanting to CTB, but the rest for certain.

Sorry I

I'm a bit curious. also, as to what the OP means by being stuck in a woman's body? Do you have gender dysphoria? Also, if you aren't honest 100% with your therapist, how could you ever expect them to help you? Maybe not about wanting to CTB, but the rest for certain.

Sorry for not responding sooner. I do have gender dysphoria. I am transgender female to male although I have not medically[and hardly socially] transitioned at all as it is not an option that is open or safe for me at the moment

 

[Naro]

I'm sorry that this is happening and I have that same dreadful feelings due to some mental issues and my past its really hard to describe them in a specific if you want to talk I can drop my dis or sum

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

I am wondering if they have gender dysphoria as well, perhaps that medically transitioning would make their situation better if it is not an avenue that they had considered before. Testosterone is quite powerful when it comes to changing one's body.

Sorry for not responding. I do have gender dysphoria. I am transgender female to male. I can't medically transition currently due to a plethora of reasons. I've barely even socially transitioned yet[excluding online]. But I do hope to get on testosterone some day! I believe it'd erase a lot of my problems

 

[poa.alpina]

Hello, i'm sorry you feel this way :( i know it's horrible. I relate to your story...
Being stuck in a body you hate is terrible. At least you are trying to change it, step by step, at least you try.

 

[Octavia]

Sorry for not responding. I do have gender dysphoria. I am transgender female to male. I can't medically transition currently due to a plethora of reasons. I've barely even socially transitioned yet[excluding online]. But I do hope to get on testosterone some day! I believe it'd erase a lot of my problems

Don't worry, I understand that kind of pain all too well. Becoming a self-made man is a difficult path that few lads would comprehend, hopefully you would be able to hang in there until that you are able to access T.

 

[TheDizzenter]

Life quite sucks when you notice, when you are stuck a thing, you are stuck. All you usually do is make It more comfortable, until you gave up and freak.
I know what you, FTM, so? Don't worry bro, I know how It feels. To feel in your own skin, to hate yourself and to destroy this curse of bunch of flesh that gave you the damn curse to make your life miserable, making you lose a possibility if It didn't. To believe in success if you weren't. It's quite a paradox where you are living another life, and giving a damn to your own life. Perhaps, fella, if one day, you want to talk about this and all, I am up for It, really.
I feel we have things quite similar so, until ya are unsure of your steps, to make life less shitty that It usually is, you can have a buddy to talk.
Felt in skin and mind how this fuckin' situation is. I just never thought of how ashamed and idiot I am due that, so quite usually, I avoid thinking.
But I can't escape. So if perhaps, ya need anything, I can drop ya my discord 'nd stuff.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sorry for not responding sooner. I do have gender dysphoria. I am transgender female to male although I have not medically[and hardly socially] transitioned at all as it is not an option that is open or safe for me at the moment

Thank you for clearing that up. I'm sorry you aren't able to live your truth. Still, I do believe you should be honest with your therapist, as long as it's safe to do so.