Help I tried to get better but not everything can be fixed....

[Return2themoonlight]

I thought with time I'd get better but sadly to say, I didn't. I feel that I had to at least try and better myself and my life and its been months. I got a new home, jobs, and friends but I still came to this decision. I no longer care who I try traumatize in doing ctb, I just want to get it over with. On my way home from work, I walk past a road where trucks are going high speed. Does anyone know if this is an efficient way to ctb? Ik there's a chance I'll survive but as long as it's extremely low I don't care. Or if anyone knows of any good jump spots in the Los Angeles area, I'd highly appreciate it. Thinking of getting it done within the next 2 weeks.

 

[Olek Messier 87]

On a road, not only can you traumatize someone, you can also injure (or even kill) some others.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

On a road, not only can you traumatize someone, you can also injure (or even kill) some others.

That's very much so true but I don't have many available options. All the taller buildings and parking garages are gated or are office buildings that need clearance to get to the higher levels. And the road is like a side road next to a freeway. It's true that other's might become involved but without the money to get things so it can be done in seclusion, it's close to impossible to CTB without bringing others into it. In my eyes, once a person gets past that fear of dragging other's into it, they can explore all available options. Although I would prefer not drag others into it, I'm past the fear of it not being a possibility.

 

[Olek Messier 87]

Don't get me wrong, I meant no judgement here (especially since you haven't done anything yet), I completely understand that someone can end up thinking like that, but rationality pushed me to write this comment. And I can only speak for myself, but I couldn't consider putting someone's life (who might very well want to live) in danger, just because I'm willing to end mine.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

That is highly true and understandable as I also wouldn't. Even thinking about it now, my mind and heart is in total agreement with you. But sadly, the only options available to me without a partner is to jump in front of a truck or take these pills I'm deadly allergic too. Both options involve hurting another by way of shock or involvement. Only way I can avoid both is if by some stroke of luck, I find someone close to me who has a more secluded option and is simply looking for a partner.

 

[mrtime87]

I thought with time I'd get better but sadly to say, I didn't. I feel that I had to at least try and better myself and my life and its been months. I got a new home, jobs, and friends but I still came to this decision. I no longer care who I try traumatize in doing ctb, I just want to get it over with. On my way home from work, I walk past a road where trucks are going high speed. Does anyone know if this is an efficient way to ctb? Ik there's a chance I'll survive but as long as it's extremely low I don't care. Or if anyone knows of any good jump spots in the Los Angeles area, I'd highly appreciate it. Thinking of getting it done within the next 2 weeks.

I can relate to thinking life will never get better. For most people it does, but for some of us, life never gets easier.

I was in jail a few years back and began to have suicide ideations. When I got out I moved in with my brother who eventually evicted me. That was two years ago and I've essentially been forced back into my mother's house because she's the only person who will put up with me.

I brought up ending my life to her and she got angry, and all we do is fight. It's my fault to be in this situation, and sadly I've begun to realize that CTB might be my only way out.

I have a mental illness that gives me insomnia and have burnt so many bridges it's almost unforgivable. New jobs, friends, living situations, for a while I was independent and then slowly got worse, and am only getting more worse, and am at a point where I can't even stay at the local homeless shelter.

When I tell my family I might die outside in the winter they kind of just shrug, but if I mention I want to end my life so I don't have to suffer what would be a painful and miserable death, they shun me and get angry.

Sometimes death is the only way out of a bad situation. I pray you have something to live for or have options to improve your mental health.

I wish we all could have something to turn to, but if you don't then I pray you find peace.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

I can relate to thinking life will never get better. For most people it does, but for some of us, life never gets easier.

I was in jail a few years back and began to have suicide ideations. When I got out I moved in with my brother who eventually evicted me. That was two years ago and I've essentially been forced back into my mother's house because she's the only person who will put up with me.

I brought up ending my life to her and she got angry, and all we do is fight. It's my fault to be in this situation, and sadly I've begun to realize that CTB might be my only way out.

I have a mental illness that gives me insomnia and have burnt so many bridges it's almost unforgivable. New jobs, friends, living situations, for a while I was independent and then slowly got worse, and am only getting more worse, and am at a point where I can't even stay at the local homeless shelter.

When I tell my family I might die outside in the winter they kind of just shrug, but if I mention I want to end my life so I don't have to suffer what would be a painful and miserable death, they shun me and get angry.

Sometimes death is the only way out of a bad situation. I pray you have something to live for or have options to improve your mental health.

I wish we all could have something to turn to, but if you don't then I pray you find peace.

Sadly to say, I do have something to live for and that's my mom but no matter how good things get in my life something happens to make it completely worse. Most people would say to live for her but I've come to realize that living for another person while feeling like this doesn't change anything but make you wonder is it worth it. For some, it probably is but for others it's not cause you continue suffer by masking how you truly feel. I've been trying to live for so long but Ik deep down inside I won't live to see my next birthday, and I've had this feeling since I was a kid. I've just never told nobody outside of this site. The only reason I made it this far is because I've seen myself living to this age and Ik nobody would take care of my mom if I'm not here but I can't and never have seen myself living past this age so Ik my time is coming. Now the last hurdle to get over is not caring about the repercussions of my death. Some will care while others won't and everyone will come up with their own reasons for why I did it but none will be correct. I'm not even gonna leave a note or anything, I'm just not gonna come home one day and hopefully my body won't be found. But I'm at the point where I truly don't care what happens after as I won't be here to deal with it.

Apologies for the long reply, I just had a horrible day that made me realize no matter how good things may seem, I will never have a happy life. Hopefully things will get better in my next life if that's even a thing. But I'm dead set on ending it within the next few weeks depending on how quick I'm able to find a partner as well as the resources.

I'll try and leave a goodbye post for the friends I made on this site, for the ones that are already gone and the ones that are still here.

 

[Trav1989]

I thought with time I'd get better but sadly to say, I didn't. I feel that I had to at least try and better myself and my life and its been months. I got a new home, jobs, and friends but I still came to this decision. I no longer care who I try traumatize in doing ctb, I just want to get it over with. On my way home from work, I walk past a road where trucks are going high speed. Does anyone know if this is an efficient way to ctb? Ik there's a chance I'll survive but as long as it's extremely low I don't care. Or if anyone knows of any good jump spots in the Los Angeles area, I'd highly appreciate it. Thinking of getting it done within the next 2 weeks.

I suggest picking a method that doesn't potentially harm others, there is nothing wrong with choosing to CTB but to take others who don't desire the same with you is fundamentally wrong. It's no different than if a mother were desiring to CTB so she drove her car into a lake with her children inside.

Find a different method, there are dozens of other options that require varying degrees of time, money, or both and I'd rather die knowing that I spent an extra $50 or waited a few weeks and didn't maim anyone else in the process of CTB.

I know that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it's the responsible thing to do.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

I suggest picking a method that doesn't potentially harm others, there is nothing wrong with choosing to CTB but to take others who don't desire the same with you is fundamentally wrong. It's no different than if a mother were desiring to CTB so she drove her car into a lake with her children inside.

Find a different method, there are dozens of other options that require varying degrees of time, money, or both and I'd rather die knowing that I spent an extra $50 or waited a few weeks and didn't maim anyone else in the process of CTB.

I know that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it's the responsible thing to do.

That is highly true and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I would never drag somebody in it who doesn't desire the same outcome as I do. I'm talking about finding someone who does desire the same thing and is just as ready as I am, preferably someone from here. If by chance I'm not able to find someone then I'm fine with going alone… it'll be more painful to go through as I won't have someone to talk too in my finial moments but if I have to go through it alone because I couldn't find nobody in time then that's just what I'll do.

 

[Trav1989]

That is highly true and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I would never drag somebody in it who doesn't desire the same outcome as I do. I'm talking about finding someone who does desire the same thing and is just as ready as I am, preferably someone from here. If by chance I'm not able to find someone then I'm fine with going alone… it'll be more painful to go through as I won't have someone to talk too in my finial moments but if I have to go through it alone because I couldn't find nobody in time then that's just what I'll do.

I understand that would be easier, I've considered going the first week of October but I'm having a difficult time myself of sticking to that timeframe because after months of my life being "settled" a ghost of my past came back into my life which has made me develop the desire to postpone things for now. I may still go along with CTB then but I can't promise such with a clear conscience because my consciousness is anything but clear currently.

Again, I do desire to CTB but I can't do such without exhausting every available option and an option became available so I am seeing where such leads (if anywhere).

 

[Return2themoonlight]

I understand that would be easier, I've considered going the first week of October but I'm having a difficult time myself of sticking to that timeframe because after months of my life being "settled" a ghost of my past came back into my life which has made me develop the desire to postpone things for now. I may still go along with CTB then but I can't promise such with a clear conscience because my consciousness is anything but clear currently.

Again, I do desire to CTB but I can't do such without exhausting every available option and an option became available so I am seeing where such leads (if anywhere).

Completely understandable as that's how it was for me earlier this year but for me, it's more no matter how good things get or seem, something always happens to where I find myself back here with a feeling that I tried to trick myself into thinking it wasn't there. Just like everyone here, I hope I continue to live on and things get better but sadly to say it won't. I'm just fooling myself and those I come in contact with that it will. Ironically, I'm planning on going through with it in the 1st or 2nd week of October but that all depends on if I find a partner. If I can't then I'll just take the trip alone at night somewhere in that time.