elbetbirgün
New Member
- Jun 30, 2023
- 3
Hello everyone,
It feels surreal to type these words out yet here we are, all of my life I kept putting myself in this kind of unexplainable situations, I know the common cause is me, each and every single one of them but this time, I fucked it up beyond belief. Well, let me summarise my current conundrum to you.
I had my sights on suicide for 10 years now; I contemplated it, tried it, and failed at it.
On the night 28th of October, with the push of ongoing stress around my life, I thought why not? Why not try again, it has been 10 years, and when looking back to the last 10 years; I see all I did was just enduring life, nothing more nothing less, without a touch of a real feeling.
I never smiled with my eyes, never felt sadness fill in my heart, never got into heated arguments, never fought for anything I wanted. All I did was just endure and move along with time. Don't get me wrong, I've had a pretty good life. A shit ton of fun, a lot of people around, love, heartbreak, sadness, passions, and art but something was always missing even in love I feel empty even in hatred nothing was shaking my cores, pushing my limits, nor simply change my mood.
Well, this brings us back to the night of the 28th of October, you, people who read this post, you're my only confidants and are now part of the guilty club with me.
So, I ride a motorcycle, always have been, ever since I managed to stand up on two feet I ride the two-wheel. I love it, I hate it, or I don't care about it but one way or another it has been part of my life all this time. I thought to myself; why not? I can ride my motorcycle over a bridge and fall into the sea and end this misery with an old pal alongside me, and I went along with it, without a sliver of fear. Got on my bike, put on my helmet, and twisted that grip like there was no tomorrow, well, there wasn't, that was the plan, right?
I'm here, so, you know what happened. I crushed into the bridge flew to the side and somehow, in a million-to-one chance, lived through it. Paramedics were in shock, doctors were in shock, with injuries I sustained (hitting metal cables over 200km/h, slingshotting towards the bridge pillars, hitting safety poles and finally flying off the side) every single person that saw my body was in awe of my bodies will to live.
Now I sit with multiple open comminute -tibial plateau, all of my feet, fibula, knee joint- fractures on my leg, a couple of ribs gone, and multiple fractures on the hand and the arm. I ride MX bikes so I know how to fall and my fucking body turned into an iron man at the point of impact yet my leg as I stated earlier as I know it is left us :) 3 surgeries in 2 weeks and lost nearly 10 kgs to fix all of the damage.
They say I wouldn't be able to walk for nearly 10 months, I feel like never, but hey, who fucking knows? Now chained to the bed a new endurance marathon started, overwhelming emotional & physical trauma and well, most damning of all, condolences, because the police report and witnesses saw it as my bike losing control and swerving and filled in my parents as such while I was fighting death, so, yeah.
Everyone thinks my bike malfunctioned, they think I fucking crashed it. Well, we can go into depth about why this is such a mental torture but one above all is; I can ride a bike with my eyes closed, you stupid fucks, how can you think I can crash like that if I feel that swerving just a millisecond I can control it, I've done this since god damn how long, how can they think this is an accident baffles me, for fucks sake, whatever, venting about my riding skills aside. I'm living hell right now; a hell of empathy, hell of lecture, hell of pain, hell of people who I never saw before that come to visit me, a hell of people I don't like but tolerate "feeling" for me, a hell of people I like & love seeing me like this, hell of living like this, I couldn't kill myself but somehow I manage to do something worse; I manage to go to hell without dying.
I don't know how to move through with my life; if you can call it as such.
Going through this has been physically painful but it cannot come close to the mental toll and trauma it put me through, every day is a struggle and battle by itself. I didn't know that a day is consistently 24 hours, on the minute each and every day. Time is getting slower every second I glimpse on my watch and life is moving increasingly faster outside, beyond my reach.
Well, what can you do, thanks for hearing me out.
It feels surreal to type these words out yet here we are, all of my life I kept putting myself in this kind of unexplainable situations, I know the common cause is me, each and every single one of them but this time, I fucked it up beyond belief. Well, let me summarise my current conundrum to you.
I had my sights on suicide for 10 years now; I contemplated it, tried it, and failed at it.
On the night 28th of October, with the push of ongoing stress around my life, I thought why not? Why not try again, it has been 10 years, and when looking back to the last 10 years; I see all I did was just enduring life, nothing more nothing less, without a touch of a real feeling.
I never smiled with my eyes, never felt sadness fill in my heart, never got into heated arguments, never fought for anything I wanted. All I did was just endure and move along with time. Don't get me wrong, I've had a pretty good life. A shit ton of fun, a lot of people around, love, heartbreak, sadness, passions, and art but something was always missing even in love I feel empty even in hatred nothing was shaking my cores, pushing my limits, nor simply change my mood.
Well, this brings us back to the night of the 28th of October, you, people who read this post, you're my only confidants and are now part of the guilty club with me.
So, I ride a motorcycle, always have been, ever since I managed to stand up on two feet I ride the two-wheel. I love it, I hate it, or I don't care about it but one way or another it has been part of my life all this time. I thought to myself; why not? I can ride my motorcycle over a bridge and fall into the sea and end this misery with an old pal alongside me, and I went along with it, without a sliver of fear. Got on my bike, put on my helmet, and twisted that grip like there was no tomorrow, well, there wasn't, that was the plan, right?
I'm here, so, you know what happened. I crushed into the bridge flew to the side and somehow, in a million-to-one chance, lived through it. Paramedics were in shock, doctors were in shock, with injuries I sustained (hitting metal cables over 200km/h, slingshotting towards the bridge pillars, hitting safety poles and finally flying off the side) every single person that saw my body was in awe of my bodies will to live.
Now I sit with multiple open comminute -tibial plateau, all of my feet, fibula, knee joint- fractures on my leg, a couple of ribs gone, and multiple fractures on the hand and the arm. I ride MX bikes so I know how to fall and my fucking body turned into an iron man at the point of impact yet my leg as I stated earlier as I know it is left us :) 3 surgeries in 2 weeks and lost nearly 10 kgs to fix all of the damage.
They say I wouldn't be able to walk for nearly 10 months, I feel like never, but hey, who fucking knows? Now chained to the bed a new endurance marathon started, overwhelming emotional & physical trauma and well, most damning of all, condolences, because the police report and witnesses saw it as my bike losing control and swerving and filled in my parents as such while I was fighting death, so, yeah.
Everyone thinks my bike malfunctioned, they think I fucking crashed it. Well, we can go into depth about why this is such a mental torture but one above all is; I can ride a bike with my eyes closed, you stupid fucks, how can you think I can crash like that if I feel that swerving just a millisecond I can control it, I've done this since god damn how long, how can they think this is an accident baffles me, for fucks sake, whatever, venting about my riding skills aside. I'm living hell right now; a hell of empathy, hell of lecture, hell of pain, hell of people who I never saw before that come to visit me, a hell of people I don't like but tolerate "feeling" for me, a hell of people I like & love seeing me like this, hell of living like this, I couldn't kill myself but somehow I manage to do something worse; I manage to go to hell without dying.
I don't know how to move through with my life; if you can call it as such.
Going through this has been physically painful but it cannot come close to the mental toll and trauma it put me through, every day is a struggle and battle by itself. I didn't know that a day is consistently 24 hours, on the minute each and every day. Time is getting slower every second I glimpse on my watch and life is moving increasingly faster outside, beyond my reach.
Well, what can you do, thanks for hearing me out.
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