Discussion i took my second step today

[longingforrelease]

Again it's not much, but I announced a little while ago that I had taken my first official step toward my my end. I began cleaning up my digital devices and online accounts. I'm still doing that, it's a bigger project than I imagined.

But today, I took my second step. The single most helpful piece of advice I've received here was how to deal with the dilemma of wanting my death to look accidental so as to spare my young daughter the additional trauma of a knowing her daddy intentionally took his own life. The problem is that this means I can't leave her a note telling her how much I loved her, how much joy she's brought me, and that none of this (my decision to ctb, the breakup of the family, etc.) was in any way her fault. I can't remember who here suggested this, but they said I could start a journal in which I put my thoughts about her down on paper and upon my death, it would be found, probably given to my parents along with the rest of my things, and when they see the contents of the journal, they could give it to her. I obviously still won't be able to address the problem of the trauma she will experience as a result of my death, but at least I'll be able to put down into words for her to read all the things I want her to know, that I was blessed to have her in my life, and that the breakup of our little family and my having to move 10,000 miles away from her are things for which I am and always will be deeply sorry.

I begin writing tonight...

 

[TiredHorse]

Bravo, Longingforrelease. I doubt that journal will be an easy task, but I suspect it will be very worthwhile both for you and for your daughter.

I am heartbroken that you need to leave her, but since you must, I admire your dedication to her solace.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I too began writing my life a couple of weeks ago, so as my kids who I've not seen in about sixteen or seventeen years might know something about me. I've not been back to it since though as I'm too busy procrastinating..

 

[TAW122]

That's great and I'm glad that you have taken this major step. It takes a lot of energy to channel that into writing and also making sure you tie loose ends before leaving. I know that while you never stop all pain when you go, I'm glad that you have decided to minimize it for your daughter and that is very commendable.

 

[longingforrelease]

Bravo, Longingforrelease. I doubt that journal will be an easy task, but I suspect it will be very worthwhile both for you and for your daughter.

I am heartbroken that you need to leave her, but since you must, I admire your dedication to her solace.

Thank you TiredHorse. That means a lot. I suspect you are right that this journaling won't be an easy task, but maybe I'll be surprised. My vision is to write it, or at least parts of it, in the form of letters to her in which I recall special times we spent together and reflect on how much those memories have meant to me. So maybe I'll find that kind of approach less sad than I kind of imagine this will be. I appreciate your kind remarks friend. I really do. peace

 

[longingforrelease]

I too began writing my life a couple of weeks ago, so as my kids who I've not seen in about sixteen or seventeen years might know something about me. I've not been back to it since though as I'm too busy procrastinating..

Hey that's great brother. I wish you the best of luck with this project. I know it's important to you. And to them. I wish you the best.

 

[longingforrelease]

That's great and I'm glad that you have taken this major step. It takes a lot of energy to channel that into writing and also making sure you tie loose ends before leaving. I know that while you never stop all pain when you go, I'm glad that you have decided to minimize it for your daughter and that is very commendable.

Thank you. You're right about the energy that it takes. It took me a few weeks just to get the damn journal! And thank you for your supportive comments about my efforts in regards to my daughter. I really appreciate that. Because I do know in my heart that despite whatever steps I take to minimize the trauma she will experience, there is just no getting around the fact that after having been the one responsible for her pain caused by the breakup of the family, and for her embarrassment or shame she must of have felt when I was arrested for possession and the story was covered in the paper, I will add to all she's had to endure by my choice to end my unbearable suffering. So seriously, I appreciate you and @TiredHorse noticing I'm at least trying to do what's in my power to minimize this one for her. peace.

 

[Jodes]

Again it's not much, but I announced a little while ago that I had taken my first official step toward my my end. I began cleaning up my digital devices and online accounts. I'm still doing that, it's a bigger project than I imagined.

But today, I took my second step. The single most helpful piece of advice I've received here was how to deal with the dilemma of wanting my death to look accidental so as to spare my young daughter the additional trauma of a knowing her daddy intentionally took his own life. The problem is that this means I can't leave her a note telling her how much I loved her, how much joy she's brought me, and that none of this (my decision to ctb, the breakup of the family, etc.) was in any way her fault. I can't remember who here suggested this, but they said I could start a journal in which I put my thoughts about her down on paper and upon my death, it would be found, probably given to my parents along with the rest of my things, and when they see the contents of the journal, they could give it to her. I obviously still won't be able to address the problem of the trauma she will experience as a result of my death, but at least I'll be able to put down into words for her to read all the things I want her to know, that I was blessed to have her in my life, and that the breakup of our little family and my having to move 10,000 miles away from her are things for which I am and always will be deeply sorry.

I begin writing tonight...

Your dedication to her is moving. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Afterman]

I wish you and your daughter luck

 

[DariaBuPL]

That's really great to hear that. Also, the idea with the journal is very creative! I'm sure that your daughter will be proud of having such a great dad. Take care!

 

[longingforrelease]

Your dedication to her is moving. Thank you for sharing.

You're most welcome and Thank you Jodes. If you met her, you'd know why I feel this way! She was a gift, truly a most precious thing. peace

 

[longingforrelease]

I wish you and your daughter luck

Thanks so much Afterman. I appreciate that.

 

[longingforrelease]

That's really great to hear that. Also, the idea with the journal is very creative! I'm sure that your daughter will be proud of having such a great dad. Take care!

Thanks for those kind remarks. They mean a lot. And yes, I wish I could remember who suggested the journal to me here, because it's indeed a creative solution. Best to you.

 

[TheCrow]

the breakup of our little family and my having to move 10,000 miles away from her

I am so sorry for your pain. Know that you are not defined by your greatest mistakes.

 

[TiredHorse]

I wish I could remember who suggested the journal to me here, because it's indeed a creative solution.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think that was me, when we were discussing whether or not you should leave a note. Even if it was, it's you who are taking it and running with it, and that's the important part.

 

[damien000]

Wow, this is moving. I admire your effort, it clearly shows that you indeed care and love and want to be a good influence on her - too bad life isn't bearable for some of us to go on living it. I wish you the best in your endeavours in the time to come.

 

[longingforrelease]

I am so sorry for your pain. Know that you are not defined by your greatest mistakes.

Thank you for that. Indeed my mistakes were grave and caused serious pain to those I loved (my ex-wfe, my daughter), and are still the cause of enormous shame, remorse, regret and an unbearable grief over the loss of a beautiful life my behavior destroyed. So hit the nail on the head. I certainly feel that, despite now living in a new country and back in my chosen career and doing well at it, I am defined by the monstrous behavior that took away from me everything I cared about and that gave my life such meaning. So I will try to remember your sage advice. Peace to you.

 

[longingforrelease]

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think that was me, when we were discussing whether or not you should leave a note. Even if it was, it's you who are taking it and running with it, and that's the important part.

You know, when I replied earlier to your first comment here, I actually had the thought that it might actually have been you that suggested the journal! I can't thank you enough for having taken the time to reflect on my situation and for making such an excellent suggestion. Thank you TiredHorse. I really mean that.

 

[longingforrelease]

Wow, this is moving. I admire your effort, it clearly shows that you indeed care and love and want to be a good influence on her - too bad life isn't bearable for some of us to go on living it. I wish you the best in your endeavours in the time to come.

Thank you friend. Indeed things have become unbearable. I wish us both the best in what lies ahead. peace