Venting I told someone to lose weight and I feel bad about it

[alexK]

So someone asked me if being 400+ lb is unhealthy in my opinion and whether I thought they needed to lose weight. I said it was unhealthy and that I definitely encourage them to seek a professional plan to lose the weight. They said that I made them feel horrible and less secure. Which in turn made me feel horrible. I don't think sugar coating is the right thing to do in this kind of situations. But I still feel like I should've put it a lot more nicer. I feel bad.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Well, maybe next time ask them if they think they have to lose weight and whether they feel unhealthy.

Objectively it is unhealthy of course and I am not a big fan of sugarcoating obesity or smoking as well. On the other hand, I don't like society randomly choosing unhealthy lifestyle choices and shaming some, while not shaming others. Few will shame you for being a work a holic (at least not in most circles) or for distracting yourself all day. In Germany drinking isn't nearly as stigmatized as smoking nowadays and the same thing goes for obesity.

A hyperbolic example: someone with a family history of schizophrenia and a low income who has 5 kids can shame someone for smoking; while the latter only harms himself (and is even a benefactor for the economy since he will die ten years earlier than other non-smokers and pays a shitton of taxes), the former subjected five others to possibly schizophrenia and poverty.

 

[the box is empty]

Gently reinforce that your statement came out of concern for their well being. It wasn't intended to make them feel horrible and their value doesn't diminish if they follow through with it or not.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You didn't "make" them feel anything.

They asked a direct and reasonable question, you gave a direct and reasonable answer, and they had a reaction to the answer. You wanted them to feel better, holistically, by telling them the truth.

You didn't cause the reaction. That's theirs to own. Another person could have had an entirely different response if you'd answered them in the exact same way. And by speaking honestly, you can't make them take your advice any more than you can make them feel horrible and less secure. You have literally no control over their response/reaction.

Now your reaction is that you feel horrible. The other person didn't "make" you feel horrible, but they wanted you to.

I think they also wanted you to respond in a way that justified their unstated desire to be okay with the way things are, and immune to reality. They needed a booster shot for the immunity, and you didn't deliver.

That's my opinion.

 

[alexK]

You didn't "make" them feel anything.

They asked a direct and reasonable question, you gave a direct and reasonable answer, and they had a reaction to the answer. You wanted them to feel better, holistically, by telling them the truth.

You didn't cause the reaction. That's theirs to own. Another person could have had an entirely different response if you'd answered them in the exact same way. And by speaking honestly, you can't make them take your advice any more than you can make them feel horrible and less secure. You have literally no control over their response/reaction.

Now your reaction is that you feel horrible. The other person didn't "make" you feel horrible, but they wanted you to.

I think they also wanted you to respond in a way that justified their unstated desire to be okay with the way things are, and immune to reality. They needed a booster shot for the immunity, and you didn't deliver.

That's my opinion.

Yes that's logical. You really helped me put the whole thing into perspective. Thank you!

 

[AlreadyGone]

Well, you did absolutely nothing wrong. 400 lbs IS unhealthy.

 

[nerve]

I went into this thread expecting the story to be more mean. There are so many cruel and unnecessary ways to tell someone something about their weight or body, but answering a question in an objective and nonjudgmental way isn't one of them. I agree with your response.

If they didn't want an honest answer, they shouldn't have asked you an honest question.

Spoiler

And really, speaking as someone who spent most of their life obese, a person probably should be insecure about their weight if they're morbidly obese.

 

[alexK]

That's reassuring coming from someone who has first hand experience. I appreciate your insight xx

 

[Mizzmini45]

Well it looks like you weren't being nasty and it's kinda true but Umm I try not to talk about anyone's weight. Whether it's unhealthy or not I just don't go there. This kinda thing can really spin someone out of control.

 

[alexK]

Well it looks like you weren't being nasty and it's kinda true but Umm I try not to talk about anyone's weight. Whether it's unhealthy or not I just don't go there. This kinda thing can really spin someone out of control.

You have a point and I respect that.

 

[Mizzmini45]

You have a point and I respect that.

Don't feel to guilty . By the sound of your post you didn't mean it in a nasty way. Plus you feel bad so obvious you aren't cruel or intentionally trying to hurt peoples feelings. No worries

 

[alexK]

I appreciate your opinion xx