Venting I told my mom I was suicidal, and she says she doesn't care.

[Idon'tknow828]

My mom said she doesn't care if I ctb and that she would move on if I did ctb. This isn't a problem for me, it's good, I guess. What upsets me is that she is the reason I want to ctb. She never parented me; she would always belittle me and berate me on things I didn't know or things I would do. If she would've parented me rather than just leaving me to parent myself, I would've been better off. She would gaslight me for little things like not knowing how to type fast enough or read fast enough or fat shaming me when she herself was way overweight at one point. It's also important to note that she never wanted to have me, but she had to keep me. The reason I type slower and read slower than most is because of my anxiety and ADHD which SHE caused. All of the trauma I have is complex, but I swear to you that I believe I would've been better off in foster care. It's the Boiling frog apologue. I'd be better off in a worse situation because I know to get out and wouldn't have the false and fake love and support of my "family." It's psychological torment. I would've preferred not to have been born. I've decided that I want to ctb I'm just waiting for ccs sn to come back up. It just sucks because she thinks she did nothing wrong and is a sociopathic narcissist, so she really won't give a shit if I pass away. She's sick and twisted and shouldn't have been allowed to be a mother. Shes going to cry to everyone saying oh no she passed but feel relief. I'm over it I just need my sn and I'm out. She can rot in hell.

Additionally, I've always had this feeling like I wasn't meant to be here, and that this life is a dream and the only way to wake up is to die. Continuing being here is killing my soul.

I just made this post to vent and to know if there's anyone who relates.

 

[TowerRoad]

I kinda feel your pain.
I hope you don't CTB.
If you leave a note make sure everybody read it and blame her.
I hope you don't CTB but we make our own decisions and you can do whatever you want with your life.

Sending you hope from here.

 

[FuneralCry]

It just sounds so incredibly horrible what you've had to go through, it's such a hellish world where humans create so much harm and it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[LittleJem]

My situation is different in that I'm estranged from my mother but I am pleased I don't need to feel any guilt about her when I ctb. Being brought up by such mothers is definitely a cause of mental illness and suffering. So I agree that this is an easier situation than wanting to ctb when you have a mother who is there for you.
Leave her to it when you are ready.