I
IBM0000
Member
- Oct 10, 2023
- 75
M, 21. I just told my little brother about a secret that I was willing to cite as one of the reasons I wanted to ctb. If you don't want to hear what a rapist has to say, please skip this post all-together.
Before I start, I'd really love give the credit to this community. In particular a trans woman. I shared my darkest secret with you all and you have only been sweet, caring and accepting. I won't say that you weren't shocked, you were. In a sign of her trust, she shared that her brother, reached a point where she didn't care if he died, but actually wanted for him to die because of how he ruined her life. I didn't want to become like that brother.
But that's besides the point. It all transpired less than an hour as of time of writing so I am still trying to process it all. I just want to get into it.
Backstory, this is essential for a quick understanding of my situation. I grew up in a semi-strict religious family in a ME country. As you all know, anything shameful is frowned up to be spoken. Let alone anything that is considered immoral. Immorality is basically the worst thing that you can do in a close-knit muslim country. Your family's standing depends on it. It's all things I didnt really understand nor really cared to until a few weeks ago.
This paints a grim picture for what I am about to say right now. I was a highly sexual kid, for some reason, I don't know why. I don't know how. But during my childhood. I did extremely immoral and sexual things to my young siblings. 2boys, 2 girls. This part is going to be extremely disgusting for you all next but I just want you to understand that I didn't do it. My life was like on auto pilot. To say I don't have any thoughts over the past 5 years of these reallllly shitty things is a lie. No one is perfect but that is no excuse. When we were playing, I fully clothed raped my little brother. Who was also clothed. Involving my other little brother, he and I did it. No penetration, that was too disgusting even for me, I guess, or I just didnt know how or what it was. I even remember him doing it with my young cousin too, same thing no penetration. My little sister, I tried to rape her when she was asleep, maybe? I think I may have kissed her when she was asleep though. I dont really remeber it much, I was far too young. Or maybe I didn't actually rape her. I don't even know. My other little sibling, however, I did try to rape. In the pantry, where I led her. Thinking about it all, the only reason why I didnt kill myself was because I am a coward, and my excuse was that my family would find out that I intentionally killed myself and our family would suffer because of the reputation of having someone who ctb'ed in their family. I obviously changed now. Up until a year, maybe half, all I wanted was to ctb. I just gave up on studies. The pandemic hit, it excarbated my mental health issues. I was extremely anti-social in school. They though I was special needs. In a way, I was. It made it impossible for my suicidal self to actually study and I failed. My family had me take it again and I failed.
I then did nothing for basically two years. Except for a part-time security job for three months.
Annnd here we are today. I gave up on the short-term suicide plan. I realized I was too cowardish and my family had too much to lose for me if I died. And I really wanted to make up for all the really batshit things I basically had no control over that I did.
Today, (Sat, Aug, 31 of 2024).
Now that we are here, we arrived at today. I was heading out and my little brother, the one who I raped, I was talking to. He was helping me take things to my car. (Dad's car but I was basically given it). I wanted to do it, I wanted to confess for a long time about what I did to him. He had started to become reactionary and I saw the signs of self-hate start to take its terrible toll on him in the form of racist and purely sadisitc behaviour. I just didn't want him to hate me and hate himself or reach a massive melting point like the sweet trans woman on here. I said it, I just slowly, roundaboutly said it, but he was like. "SAY IT, I wont be offended. I wont get upset" So I did...I couldn't believe what I just did, but....HE WAS NONCHALANT. He was shocked, I felt it. But he WAS OVER-ALL NON. CHALANT. AND...In exchange, he told me shocking shit....The cousin that's married to my sister? (Yeah, we're fucked up like that...Shouldn't be a surprise but I feel a little shocked now thag I write it down) Thought he wasn't involved, he came to visit. He also did that shit when he was young. I was shocked myself. He told me that this shit...it was all in the past, when we were kids. He was...Just like you guys, accepting albeit shocked. I even told him that about my other little brother. And that the other young cousin shit. He was shocked about that. I guess he didn't know it....I asked him: "Well...Would you have yold anyone about this?" He said. "No way." And...I just feel so great. I feel that I saved one of my little siblings.
What does this mean for my future, and what others could learn (if you read all the way through).
I want to reveal it to all my little siblings whom I hurt. Starting from the ones who will react the least badly up to....My little sister (youngest sibling) whom I tried to rape in the pantry. Thank god my mom came in and interrupted me before I did anything. But doesnt mean I didnt try. I would've probably done something had my mom not come in.. She's the youngest so she might tell everyone. But I want to, I can't let het become twisted or depressed and end up like me, not to anyone. And I want to finish high school I want to get a job. Take care of my sweet family. Donate to good causes, try to change the suffocating atmosphere. the political atmosphere in this nation...I have opened my eyes to life but I am still in a really fragile moment because it could all just crumble, and that's fine because I will have ctb'ed like I always wanted to. And to everyone out there, struggling...Hiding dark and painful secrets....Wallowing in complete and utter despair....You have to try, to try to slowly build up your courage to do it. If you can. Because while I have had a really priviliged life, not having had to work at all even, I was totally and utterly depressed. Life had no meaning. But each year I would move the suicide day up to another year.
Sorry if this sucks, first post. Please ask me anything. Or insult me. It's fine. Thank you so much for reading. This was basically the baggae I was carrying and yall are a godsend. :)
Before I start, I'd really love give the credit to this community. In particular a trans woman. I shared my darkest secret with you all and you have only been sweet, caring and accepting. I won't say that you weren't shocked, you were. In a sign of her trust, she shared that her brother, reached a point where she didn't care if he died, but actually wanted for him to die because of how he ruined her life. I didn't want to become like that brother.
But that's besides the point. It all transpired less than an hour as of time of writing so I am still trying to process it all. I just want to get into it.
Backstory, this is essential for a quick understanding of my situation. I grew up in a semi-strict religious family in a ME country. As you all know, anything shameful is frowned up to be spoken. Let alone anything that is considered immoral. Immorality is basically the worst thing that you can do in a close-knit muslim country. Your family's standing depends on it. It's all things I didnt really understand nor really cared to until a few weeks ago.
This paints a grim picture for what I am about to say right now. I was a highly sexual kid, for some reason, I don't know why. I don't know how. But during my childhood. I did extremely immoral and sexual things to my young siblings. 2boys, 2 girls. This part is going to be extremely disgusting for you all next but I just want you to understand that I didn't do it. My life was like on auto pilot. To say I don't have any thoughts over the past 5 years of these reallllly shitty things is a lie. No one is perfect but that is no excuse. When we were playing, I fully clothed raped my little brother. Who was also clothed. Involving my other little brother, he and I did it. No penetration, that was too disgusting even for me, I guess, or I just didnt know how or what it was. I even remember him doing it with my young cousin too, same thing no penetration. My little sister, I tried to rape her when she was asleep, maybe? I think I may have kissed her when she was asleep though. I dont really remeber it much, I was far too young. Or maybe I didn't actually rape her. I don't even know. My other little sibling, however, I did try to rape. In the pantry, where I led her. Thinking about it all, the only reason why I didnt kill myself was because I am a coward, and my excuse was that my family would find out that I intentionally killed myself and our family would suffer because of the reputation of having someone who ctb'ed in their family. I obviously changed now. Up until a year, maybe half, all I wanted was to ctb. I just gave up on studies. The pandemic hit, it excarbated my mental health issues. I was extremely anti-social in school. They though I was special needs. In a way, I was. It made it impossible for my suicidal self to actually study and I failed. My family had me take it again and I failed.
I then did nothing for basically two years. Except for a part-time security job for three months.
Annnd here we are today. I gave up on the short-term suicide plan. I realized I was too cowardish and my family had too much to lose for me if I died. And I really wanted to make up for all the really batshit things I basically had no control over that I did.
Today, (Sat, Aug, 31 of 2024).
Now that we are here, we arrived at today. I was heading out and my little brother, the one who I raped, I was talking to. He was helping me take things to my car. (Dad's car but I was basically given it). I wanted to do it, I wanted to confess for a long time about what I did to him. He had started to become reactionary and I saw the signs of self-hate start to take its terrible toll on him in the form of racist and purely sadisitc behaviour. I just didn't want him to hate me and hate himself or reach a massive melting point like the sweet trans woman on here. I said it, I just slowly, roundaboutly said it, but he was like. "SAY IT, I wont be offended. I wont get upset" So I did...I couldn't believe what I just did, but....HE WAS NONCHALANT. He was shocked, I felt it. But he WAS OVER-ALL NON. CHALANT. AND...In exchange, he told me shocking shit....The cousin that's married to my sister? (Yeah, we're fucked up like that...Shouldn't be a surprise but I feel a little shocked now thag I write it down) Thought he wasn't involved, he came to visit. He also did that shit when he was young. I was shocked myself. He told me that this shit...it was all in the past, when we were kids. He was...Just like you guys, accepting albeit shocked. I even told him that about my other little brother. And that the other young cousin shit. He was shocked about that. I guess he didn't know it....I asked him: "Well...Would you have yold anyone about this?" He said. "No way." And...I just feel so great. I feel that I saved one of my little siblings.
What does this mean for my future, and what others could learn (if you read all the way through).
I want to reveal it to all my little siblings whom I hurt. Starting from the ones who will react the least badly up to....My little sister (youngest sibling) whom I tried to rape in the pantry. Thank god my mom came in and interrupted me before I did anything. But doesnt mean I didnt try. I would've probably done something had my mom not come in.. She's the youngest so she might tell everyone. But I want to, I can't let het become twisted or depressed and end up like me, not to anyone. And I want to finish high school I want to get a job. Take care of my sweet family. Donate to good causes, try to change the suffocating atmosphere. the political atmosphere in this nation...I have opened my eyes to life but I am still in a really fragile moment because it could all just crumble, and that's fine because I will have ctb'ed like I always wanted to. And to everyone out there, struggling...Hiding dark and painful secrets....Wallowing in complete and utter despair....You have to try, to try to slowly build up your courage to do it. If you can. Because while I have had a really priviliged life, not having had to work at all even, I was totally and utterly depressed. Life had no meaning. But each year I would move the suicide day up to another year.
Sorry if this sucks, first post. Please ask me anything. Or insult me. It's fine. Thank you so much for reading. This was basically the baggae I was carrying and yall are a godsend. :)
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