Venting I thought it was my time

[willowtrees0]

About a week before my 21st birthday in October I decided I was done living. I lost my job back in july. Lost All will to live. And decided hanging would be the easy way out. I planned it all out. Wrote everything. And decided to do it the last week of November 2018. The second week of November I got a phone call. My stepdad had stage 4 cancer. (My dad died when I was a teenager) it crushed my mom. I decided to hold off. He ended up dieng not long after and my mother is absolutely devastated.i watched her loose the only 2 men she ever loved. So I decided after his death I can't leave her.

I became a vet tech and found my passion. Animals. I got a new house. My finances back right. I found a reason to live. But after it all. Now I am back to my old ways. I really don't want to be here. I really don't want to live. I am sinking away all over again. I've always had a sense of not belonging and depression has controlled my life for a long time

I fear if I end myself now my mom would never recover. No one has any idea I've attempted or even thought about suicide for so long. I've kept it completely to myself.

My husband also wants a baby. Has wanted one for about 6 months. And I couldn't even think about bringing a child into my fucked up mind tbh.i m running out of excuses to tell him. I'm just at a lost on what to do.

I just want peace and to escape this awful world.

Sorry for the rant I just feel like I'm loosing my mind.

I can't live and I can't die...

 

[Santiago]

This is really relatable. No matter what... the dark feelings always end up finding their way back to my head.
There is not enough hope to keep on living, yet it's the only option.

Guess we have to hope nature is kind and doesn't wait to long before ending it.

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

About a week before my 21st birthday in October I decided I was done living. I lost my job back in july. Lost All will to live. And decided hanging would be the easy way out. I planned it all out. Wrote everything. And decided to do it the last week of November 2018. The second week of November I got a phone call. My stepdad had stage 4 cancer. (My dad died when I was a teenager) it crushed my mom. I decided to hold off. He ended up dieng not long after and my mother is absolutely devastated.i watched her loose the only 2 men she ever loved. So I decided after his death I can't leave her.

I became a vet tech and found my passion. Animals. I got a new house. My finances back right. I found a reason to live. But after it all. Now I am back to my old ways. I really don't want to be here. I really don't want to live. I am sinking away all over again. I've always had a sense of not belonging and depression has controlled my life for a long time

I fear if I end myself now my mom would never recover. No one has any idea I've attempted or even thought about suicide for so long. I've kept it completely to myself.

My husband also wants a baby. Has wanted one for about 6 months. And I couldn't even think about bringing a child into my fucked up mind tbh.i m running out of excuses to tell him. I'm just at a lost on what to do.

I just want peace and to escape this awful world.

Sorry for the rant I just feel like I'm loosing my mind.

I can't live and I can't die...

This is too relatable. The only reason I'm still here is because I know my mom would be crushed if I ctb. I've been struggling with depression for most of my life. I was diagnosed at 12 (I'm 22 years old.) I've had my fair share of hospital stays during my teens due to self harm and one suicide attempt. So my mom knows that I struggle, but I'm sure she doesn't know that I've been thinking about it lately. I hate my being and so badly want to disappear. I'm just around because i really do care about others.

 

[Lady black]

A very sad story. You are true it would be hard for your loved ones if you die. But after a bit of time they will get over it. You can´t live for other people, you are only able to live if you want to live. And try not to get a baby, it could make you feel worse than now. And then you and your baby would suffer if you are unhappy.

 

[Jean Améry]

About a week before my 21st birthday in October I decided I was done living. I lost my job back in july. Lost All will to live. And decided hanging would be the easy way out. I planned it all out. Wrote everything. And decided to do it the last week of November 2018. The second week of November I got a phone call. My stepdad had stage 4 cancer. (My dad died when I was a teenager) it crushed my mom. I decided to hold off. He ended up dieng not long after and my mother is absolutely devastated.i watched her loose the only 2 men she ever loved. So I decided after his death I can't leave her.

I became a vet tech and found my passion. Animals. I got a new house. My finances back right. I found a reason to live. But after it all. Now I am back to my old ways. I really don't want to be here. I really don't want to live. I am sinking away all over again. I've always had a sense of not belonging and depression has controlled my life for a long time

I fear if I end myself now my mom would never recover. No one has any idea I've attempted or even thought about suicide for so long. I've kept it completely to myself.

My husband also wants a baby. Has wanted one for about 6 months. And I couldn't even think about bringing a child into my fucked up mind tbh.i m running out of excuses to tell him. I'm just at a lost on what to do.

I just want peace and to escape this awful world.

Sorry for the rant I just feel like I'm loosing my mind.

I can't live and I can't die...

No need to apologise. It's clear you went through some very hard times and it's completely understandable you want out if you're hurting so bad. You clearly care deeply about your loved-ones, whether that's a reason to stay is up to you to decide.

I will say this: please don't bring a child into this world if you feel this way. It's not fair to the child and it's not fair to yourself: once you have a child you will be completely responsible for him/her and you won't be able to leave.

Personally I have no moral qualms about CTB-ing if I needed to even though I know my mother would be devastated and probably wouldn't recover because she's a weak person and an alcoholic. I didn't ask to be here and given that she played an instrumental role in my own suffering she's not entitled to my pity. Of course everyone's situation is different. It's commendable you care so deeply about your mother you feel you can't leave.

I'm not sure how to break it to your husband. In any case he can't force you to have his child. Just tell him you think the world is too fucked up to have children. You don't even need to mention your own state of mind and suffering: the world offers plenty of hard evidence as to why it's crazy to procreate. Look up antinatalism: it's the ethical position that states that it's morally wrong to bring children into this world because you can't know and can't garantee they won't suffer horribly. To gamble with another's well-being without their consent is immoral.

You could tell your husband you're severely depressed and that's the reason why you don't want to have a child. You don't need to mention thoughts of suicide.

The best of luck to you.