I'm not going to say that you're a good person, as you probably won't believe it. However, what's a good person? There's this Christ-like image that pops up in our minds every time we hear 'good person' and it's such an harmful idea to have because it presumes constant perfection. And that's simply impossible to achieve. You're not a good person, nor a bad person. Humans are far more complex than these labels that require someone to be absolutely perfect in their wickedness or goodness. As for you, this might sound like meaningless and deeply impersonal, not the proper way to address what you're talking about. However, consider this, if you were purely evil or "much worse than you thought", I doubt you'd be even feeling an ounce of regret for what you did. From what you're saying, it seems like you did it out of selfishness, meaning, because some part of you felt it needed to be done. You were misguided, not evil. Now, I don't know what you did and I'm certainly in no position to excuse your actions. I'm not saying that you aren't to blame if you did something wrong, because we aren't exactly just some sort of flesh algorithms who bear no will of their own. I'm just stating that it's useless for you to wonder if you're a good person or a bad person if something in the past you did was bad, due to how good and evil in humans aren't something fixed, as you're now doing something good: showing remorse. How'd that be possible if you were a bad person? And how'd it be possible for a good person to do something bad? The answer is that you're neither, you're not a good person, you're not a bad person, you're just human. You can be good, as you can be evil. If you did something bad, you see if you can do something about it, and you make up for it. There's no use in torturing yourself over this. The only thing that matters is what you do from now on. I know it's frustrating and confusing, especially if you carried on this notion about yourself for so long, it might feel like losing a part of yourself or feeling like you actually never knew yourself. And guilt, it doesn't help in feeling any better. It's awful. And it might feel like you have discovered something about you that makes you inhuman. Nonetheless, I know how easy it is to jump to conclusions as well. To think that, since you did what you did, you're forever damned to be a bad person or that, no matter how much you try, you won't be able to make up for what you did and change things. And maybe your feelings are right, maybe things won't change. Or maybe they will change. But you're not a bad person. And even if you can't change what's around you, what happened or, hell, even yourself, you can hold onto certain feelings, feelings that enrich you and push you to be a better human being for yourself and for others, and see where that takes you. Of course, this whole thing also hinges on what you might have done. Still, I doubt you gave someone the Hannibal treatment, you don't come across as Lecter. I hope, regardless, that you will be able to work out these feelings that you have and whatever you're going through.
