I thought I could do it, but I can’t.

[Deathbydemo]

I haven't posted here in a while. I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face, so please bare with me. I need a place to write this all down, and this place feels like a safe haven for me. I hope it does for you too.

I thought I could live. I thought I could "get better" and keep living each day. I have tried so hard, been taking my medication (anti-depressants), trying to get on with day to day activities... but ultimately, I can't. I am going out. And that's my final decision. It is so hard to get up every day with a broken heart, and even worse with a broken spirit. I don't want any part of recovery anymore. I'm done.

My family are going to be so hurt. I am writing this while watching my little boy eat his dinner... so oblivious to all the shit and hurt in this world. I don't know what my death will do to him. But kids are resilient.

Ordered my SN from that popular auction site this evening. I'm in the UK. If the police come to seize it, they ain't getting it.

I will spend my last few days, weeks, whatever it may be here with you guys. Peace and love, always.

 

[Dante71]

Hi mate, i feel your pain, my sons are the only thing keeping me hanging on at the moment, im not sure i can abandon them as I was abandoned, but i find it difficult to think of not living with them as i will have to leave my home soon, i am numb from anti depressants and valium, but the pain is just under the surface, I have no idea what will become of me, you have my compassion.

 

[Ulisses]

I have already moved away from my son. now the next step and getting away from my family, i will move to another city with their help. you will use SN as soon as you have the opportunity. so it will be my stop.

 

[animatriste]

Love and compassion my friend

 

[Iloveyouall]

I'm really sorry that you're suffering so much. I can't imagine your pain as I never knew what Love is.

My family are going to be so hurt. I am writing this while watching my little boy eat his dinner... so oblivious to all the shit and hurt in this world. I don't know what my death will do to him. But kids are resilient.

I'm going to quote @itsmeagain here, it was on another thread:

Sweetie... I lost my mother to suicide. I was about 15 at the time and let me tell you, it doesn't get easier for your children.

But... being a kid and losing a parent is one of the hardest things in your life.

I know you feel done with life. I don't want to make you feel guilty and I know I'm going to sound like a pro-lifer by saying such a dull thing but I wish you'll reconsider for your kid. I'm sorry, I wish I could say something more intelligent but I can't.
I wish you to find peace, no matter what you choose. We're here for you.

 

[itsmeagain]

I'm really sorry that you're suffering so much. I can't imagine your pain as I never knew what Love is.

I'm going to quote @itsmeagain here, it was on another thread:



I know you feel done with life. I don't want to make you feel guilty and I know I'm going to sound like a pro-lifer by saying such a dull thing but I wish you'll reconsider for your kid. I'm sorry, I wish I could say something more intelligent but I can't.
I wish you to find peace, no matter what you choose. We're here for you.

Hey, I overheard, but my post was taken a bit out of context. It makes it easier for the child if they haven't seen you in a long time, but you got to remember... children remember that. They will remember the time they sat on your lap and you raised them up, tickled them under their arms, tucked them into bed with a bedtime story... the will remember all of those things forever. Not to say it'll break them, but it will definitely damage them. My mother CTB is not the only reason i'm CTB, but i think that if... she was still around, the one person who truly truly loved me... maybe my life wouldn't be as shit as it was. Or maybe we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. Please... find peace. You can think outside the box. Maybe go through a couple of *VERY SAFE* test runs of whatever method. See how you feel. Some people have a change of heart when faced directly with death, and if you give your kid to a foster home or leave them all alone and decide you can't go through with CTB... it'll hurt you and them so much more.