Venting I think this is hell

[Valentino]

it never gets better and it never will, the last time i was truly happy was when i couldn't think yet. The earliest thing i remember is waking up on my 5th birthday and feeling so empty and sad. And its still like that. Everyday. i always try and tell myself "today will be better" when i wake up but it never is! Everyday is hell! People at my school always make fun of me, Im very ugly. I lost the genetic lottery. I have a big round face, frizzy shit colored hair and a huge bumpy nose. My skin is yellowish-green, i look like a corpse. My shoulders are broad and i'm kinda chubby. I hate how i look but other people are even meaner about it. I wouldn't care so much if my classmates didn't love tormenting me. I just wanna run away and stay in my room forever. Im so bad at socializing in real life, im awkward and bad at eye contact. everyone is so mean to me! I don't even know them, its not fair at all. I fantasize about CBTing and how they'll all regret how they treat me. not even my friends are very nice, they think its funny to make fun of me and they leave me out alot. Wahhhh i want to die

i am also aroace, (unable to feel romantic/sexual attraction, i've never even had a proper crush before) but i have this one person I'm incredibly close to. They are the closest ive ever gotten to loving someone, kinda in between a friend and a lover. And they claimed they felt the same. We often tell eachother we love and miss eachother and i wanted to be with them forever. I will probably never love someone properly or get married, but i dream of domestic life and this person was my only chance because i don't connect with people easily and I'm not attractive . Today i woke up to them saying they got a boyfriend. I feel like I'm gonna throw up! I want to shoot myself! its like my heart was ripped out of my body. I thought we had something but now I understand i don't mean anything to anyone. And they dare ask me why I'm upset about them dating?? I hate people so much, they're so selfish

i'm so bad at everything, i fail all my exams even if i study hard and im so behind on schoolwork right now. I have adhd and medication does nothing for me except make me feel super sick. I hate people who can exel at school, they make me so jealous with their constant bragging and i hope they choke or something. I have no talents or hobbies except drawing and even that is not impressive compared to what others are doing at my age. I can't even do basic math or science its soo embarrassing.

I'm always embarrassed, my teachers publicly shame me for everything and people keep making fun of me. Im so ashamed to be alive, I'm completely unlucky and everything in my life goes wrong all the time. Everything i love gets destroyed and i never get anything good, everytime i have a chance to wish for something like my birthday i make the same request: "that my life will finally start to be good" but god isn't listening to me, I just want to be happy! I just want to be happy! I just want to be happy!

It feels like every force in the universe is taking its anger out on me. Why am i not allowed to be happy? Why does nobody like me? i behave and talk like a little kid. Everyone is growing up and im not so i don't understand why everything is going wrong. I cry like a baby everyday. I don't want to die but it feels like it's becoming my only option. I think i might have done something horrible and now im in hell. I don't have anyone to talk to. Nobody older to guide me, no friends who give a shit about me and my parents are too self obsessed to care about me. I just wanna live and be happy, I'm still young and i don't wanna miss out. i also don't have access to any painless cbt methods and im too much of a pussy to cbt anyways. I don't wanna cut myself because it hurts and i'll be even more ugly. I wish i had the guts to attempt and fail so everyone would finally realize im serious about the way i feel. Nobody takes me seriously when i say i don't wanna exist. Why is everything so unfair all i can do is scream and cry and nothing else. Please someone tell me it gets better or I'm going to do something stupid

 

[FuneralCry]

I see existence as being an undeserved punishment, as after all we do exist in such a hellish world where people suffer all through no fault of their own. Having the ability to exist here truly is a terrible thing, life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[wraithie]

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, and I can empathise with you in regards to how ostracised from society you feel. I know how it feels to be under the impression that nothing will ever get better; in fact, I'm in the same boat as you in that regard. I, too, feel disgustingly ugly and have frequent thoughts of wanting to CTB. However, I'd like to draw upon your point of mentioning that you've never self harmed. Yk, you're incredibly brave for abstaining from that, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for being brave enough for coming on here, sharing your story, and feeling comfortable enough to explore your feelings, even if it is under the guise of anonymity. I'd hate to see somebody like you, an individual whose unique traits make them special, become a victim of suicide. I can promise you that one person's "ugly" is another person's "unique": the fact that you don't look like a cookie-cutter image of a "beautiful" person gives you an immense amount of character, which is something I find to be quite charming, and you should view your perceived shortcomings as things you can work on! Besides, it's statistically proven that although you might be terrible at something at first, you'll eventually get it with more practice; it just takes time and patience. Try to embark upon the journey of life as a step-by-step process, and I can promise that you'll get somewhere; even things like engaging in a hobby you enjoy or trying to improve your art skills will help you make positive steps in the right direction.
As a final sentiment, I'd like to applaud you on your great fortitude, and let you know that I believe in your ability to carry on step-by-step. Take it one day at a time and remember that life is just one big learning experience. You're a wonderful human being, and you can use your own power to do amazing things.

Much love,
Wraithie :)

 

[OceanBlue]

Sorry other students are being unkind to you. Humans are mean monkeys and will enjoy making you feel even worse if they sense any weakness. School is not for everyone.

I don't think it was your only chance at companionship, it means you can create connections. It's more difficult as aroace, but not impossible. It's important to make sure you and another person are on the same page, as it seems here you weren't exclusive.

If you want to continue living, you need to find a therapist who will help you change the negative perception of yourself. It doesn't help to bully yourself like this on a daily basis. Looks, talents are a lottery and it's not our fault if we didn't get lucky, it does not make you less worthy.

Sorry you're feeling so bad, feel better soon


P.S. If you're 18+, you can talk to people in the recovery section, but no one should be telling you 'it gets better', that would be a misleading statement. To continue living is always a risk.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I can definitely understand your disposition. As much as I've been told that I'm attractive, I don't believe it because women never seem to want to be with me. I have to go through the motions of life too. Until I decided on a date to ctb, life was a slog. Trying to find meaning and connections every day. Having do deal with humans and their nature. Having to try and pay for an existence I didn't ask for. You could argue that this is a 'hell' of a sorts. What I did to get here? I have no clue, but I'll be sure to never EVER do it again. Like you, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The future looks so bleak and unbearable that I'm happy I am going to ctb soon. I remember that there was a time when I did wake up every morning believing that there was a purpose for all of this. I believed the delusion of the "better, brighter tomorrow". There's no such thing. Not for the human. This species will always find some way to unrest and unsettle itself until, ultimately, it destroys itself. So, now, waking up is all a part of going through the motions of being human.

So, I totally agree with your perspective. I'm sorry for your pain, and hope you clarity and peace in whatever you decide to do in the future.

 

[Valentino]

Sorry other students are being unkind to you. Humans are mean monkeys and will enjoy making you feel even worse if they sense any weakness. School is not for everyone.

I don't think it was your only chance at companionship, it means you can create connections. It's more difficult as aroace, but not impossible. It's important to make sure you and another person are on the same page, as it seems here you weren't exclusive.

If you want to continue living, you need to find a therapist who will help you change the negative perception of yourself. It doesn't help to bully yourself like this on a daily basis. Looks, talents are a lottery and it's not our fault if we didn't get lucky, it does not make you less worthy.

Sorry you're feeling so bad, feel better soon


P.S. If you're 18+, you can talk to people in the recovery section, but no one should be telling you 'it gets better', that would be a misleading statement. To continue living is always a risk.

Thank you! You're so kind i definitely needed to see this, I'm feeling alot better now!

I can definitely understand your disposition. As much as I've been told that I'm attractive, I don't believe it because women never seem to want to be with me. I have to go through the motions of life too. Until I decided on a date to ctb, life was a slog. Trying to find meaning and connections every day. Having do deal with humans and their nature. Having to try and pay for an existence I didn't ask for. You could argue that this is a 'hell' of a sorts. What I did to get here? I have no clue, but I'll be sure to never EVER do it again. Like you, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The future looks so bleak and unbearable that I'm happy I am going to ctb soon. I remember that there was a time when I did wake up every morning believing that there was a purpose for all of this. I believed the delusion of the "better, brighter tomorrow". There's no such thing. Not for the human. This species will always find some way to unrest and unsettle itself until, ultimately, it destroys itself. So, now, waking up is all a part of going through the motions of being human.

So, I totally agree with your perspective. I'm sorry for your pain, and hope you clarity and peace in whatever you decide to do in the future.

Im sorry for your pain too, its nice to see someone understands

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, and I can empathise with you in regards to how ostracised from society you feel. I know how it feels to be under the impression that nothing will ever get better; in fact, I'm in the same boat as you in that regard. I, too, feel disgustingly ugly and have frequent thoughts of wanting to CTB. However, I'd like to draw upon your point of mentioning that you've never self harmed. Yk, you're incredibly brave for abstaining from that, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for being brave enough for coming on here, sharing your story, and feeling comfortable enough to explore your feelings, even if it is under the guise of anonymity. I'd hate to see somebody like you, an individual whose unique traits make them special, become a victim of suicide. I can promise you that one person's "ugly" is another person's "unique": the fact that you don't look like a cookie-cutter image of a "beautiful" person gives you an immense amount of character, which is something I find to be quite charming, and you should view your perceived shortcomings as things you can work on! Besides, it's statistically proven that although you might be terrible at something at first, you'll eventually get it with more practice; it just takes time and patience. Try to embark upon the journey of life as a step-by-step process, and I can promise that you'll get somewhere; even things like engaging in a hobby you enjoy or trying to improve your art skills will help you make positive steps in the right direction.
As a final sentiment, I'd like to applaud you on your great fortitude, and let you know that I believe in your ability to carry on step-by-step. Take it one day at a time and remember that life is just one big learning experience. You're a wonderful human being, and you can use your own power to do amazing things.

Much love,
Wraithie :)

Thank you so much, I think I'm going to keep trying at life

I see existence as being an undeserved punishment, as after all we do exist in such a hellish world where people suffer all through no fault of their own. Having the ability to exist here truly is a terrible thing, life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you, i wish you the best too

 

[Strawberries]

Please don't ctb now. That will always be an option, you can always do that if life doesn't get better at all over the next years/decades. But you're still soo young, at that age things can change drastically over the next few years. School isn't forever. One day you'll be an adult, won't have to go to school anymore and can decide for yourself what kind of people you want to surround yourself with and won't have to stay trapped in a situation with bullys surrounding you. Being a teenager sucks, but don't ctb now. Like I said, that option will always be there, but it should be the last option. Nothing in life is as irreversible as death. EVERYTHING else you can reverse at least theoretically and with much effort, but death is absolutely irreversible. Don't make such a huge decision at your age because of situations at school, where you'll only have to be for a few years tops. And trust me, that time goes by reeeaally fast. Just try to push through a little longer <3 I know you can do it.

Also, like someone above already said, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Pretty much everyone I find super attractive, everyone else says they're "ugly" or weird looking. And if in a few years time, you still feel that way, you could still save for plastic surgery before you ctb. Also at school, a lot of the time, bullys just call people ugly as an insult, even if they're not ugly at all, just like bullys used to use "gay" as an insult when I was in school.

Trust me, in your situation, it most likely will get better. And if it really doesn't, ctb is still an option.

Much love

Btw, I would gladly trade my life with you. Unfortunately that isn't possible and I also wouldn't want to do that to you. But you still have so many options, so don't give up yet

 

[Valentino]

Please don't ctb now. That will always be an option, you can always do that if life doesn't get better at all over the next years/decades. But you're still soo young, at that age things can change drastically over the next few years. School isn't forever. One day you'll be an adult, won't have to go to school anymore and can decide for yourself what kind of people you want to surround yourself with and won't have to stay trapped in a situation with bullys surrounding you. Being a teenager sucks, but don't ctb now. Like I said, that option will always be there, but it should be the last option. Nothing in life is as irreversible as death. EVERYTHING else you can reverse at least theoretically and with much effort, but death is absolutely irreversible. Don't make such a huge decision at your age because of situations at school, where you'll only have to be for a few years tops. And trust me, that time goes by reeeaally fast. Just try to push through a little longer <3 I know you can do it.

Also, like someone above already said, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Pretty much everyone I find super attractive, everyone else says they're "ugly" or weird looking. And if in a few years time, you still feel that way, you could still save for plastic surgery before you ctb. Also at school, a lot of the time, bullys just call people ugly as an insult, even if they're not ugly at all, just like bullys used to use "gay" as an insult when I was in school.

Trust me, in your situation, it most likely will get better. And if it really doesn't, ctb is still an option.

Much love

Btw, I would gladly trade my life with you. Unfortunately that isn't possible and I also wouldn't want to do that to you. But you still have so many options, so don't give up yet

Thank you ill keep trying for now

 

[wraithie]

awesome!! I'm so glad to hear that you have some motivation, and I hope you go on to do amazing things :D