Venting I think that I want to be suicidal more than I am suicidal & I keep fooling myself

[dinosavr]

I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am sooooo lonely with my suicidality. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, I actually enjoy doing most things on my own, but this… It feels like too much to handle for one person only. And I can't seem to handle it anymore. I'm a little worried that I'll snap and tell someone just to be able to let it out of my mind.
Because as long as it's in my mind and nowhere else, I don't think I can consider it serious enough to either ask for help with recovery or act on it knowing that people will take it seriously and not remember me as someone ridiculously ungrateful for "the gift of life" Not that I care that much but, well, no, I think I actually do care lol. I know it shouldn't matter but somehow it does.

And I'm trying to figure out if underestimating my symptoms is a symptom of depression or maybe if I'm right and I feel like a fool exactly because deep down I suppose I won't ever be able to actually kill myself. If I haven't done it already (while having a reliable method and no fear of death or pain), maybe it means it's all just a delusion? I guess my therapist would help me figure it out and I'm considering telling her cause it seems like a great relief but on the other hand, many of your stories that I've read here prove that it's not worth it.
So for now I guess I'll hold the horses and see what happens. After all, one day it will be resolved, one way or another

 

[Traveller12724]

Is there an image in your mind of what you would want your life to look like for you to not be suicidal ? What would be the conditions for you to want or at least enjoy a little living ?

 

[dinosavr]

Is there an image in your mind of what you would want your life to look like for you to not be suicidal ? What would be the conditions for you to want or at least enjoy a little living ?

At this point I think only erasing my thoughts would work for me to enjoy life lol. Whenever I focus on something, it's all alright, but when I start thinking - suicide always comes up and always as a good thing.
And it's just my brain, other conditions are good, basically maybe even luxurious. I have food (and not just any food but precooked meals, well balanced vegetarian diet) I have shelter (and not just any shelter, I live with my friends in a calm area in one of my favorite cities, quite close to my family town, in an apartment with a relatively cheap rent), I am healthy (well, physically), I make enough money to afford food, rent, psychotherapy, medication and I still have some left to spend and even though I've recently lost my job, I have savings + I've already found a new job which turned out to be easy with my college degree and experience. I can travel, I have access to cinemas, restaurants, concerts and all sorts of other activities. I live in area between the sea and mountains and I love both of these. The only thing that I miss sometimes is a partner and being pretty, but it shouldn't be more relevant than all of the above. I really really should enjoy life anyway! And somehow I don't and it's hard to fix it when I cant see what's wrong :|

 

[Traveller12724]

I think tolerating life boils down to how we feel deep down when there is no one else around, it doesn't matter how good the environment surrounding us may be. I am sorry you can't escape your suicide thoughts but know you don't have to feel alone in them, you can message a lot of us here and we will understand. I will be here for a little while, until I ctb at the end of the year, feel free to reach out if you ever need a friendly listening ear.