UniqueWorm
the horrors persist but so do i
- Sep 9, 2024
- 25
I think something in my brain is just broken. I cant socialize consistently, I cant handle loud noises, I cant go a week of classes without having a panic attack.
I get urges to knock on walls or tap things or other stuff or else it feels like something bad will happen, and if i dont do the thing then the urge continues till its all i can think about.
Im always contidricting myself in my head, part of me saying to do something, part of me liking something and the other part hating it (like textures or activites), or part of me feeling like its breaking down while i feel normal, like its just in the background. sometimes ill be breaking down and be in the background, but im still moving and acting normal even as internally im getting super bad flashbacks and trying to get myself to run and hide in a bathroom i just cant. the same feeling that does that id also ehat keeps me from not ending it. in the past after or directly before before an attempt ill back out and either have been prevented from doing it or be in the hospital because i called for help, and i wont remember doing it, or if i do, it feels like im watching someone else do it.
I keep getting really bad thoughts about things happening, like "what if i banged my head on that window till i pass out" "what if i cut someone's car breaks" "what if that kids being abused and i didnt notice" and it makes it impossible to be in public, especially when i get the feeling (idk if thats the right word) that everyone can hear my thoughts (even though i know people cant do that). Alot of things i know can be possible/are highly unlikely feel real sometimes. Sometimes i feel like my bones are rotting, or like their are worms burrowing under my skin, or that someones watching me through my window, or that hands and eyes will come out of my walls if i touch them on acident, and i know its not something that would happen, but it feels real enough that i doubt myself and freak out.
I know my brain chemicals are jacked up, but i dont know why im so broken everywhere else.
I get urges to knock on walls or tap things or other stuff or else it feels like something bad will happen, and if i dont do the thing then the urge continues till its all i can think about.
Im always contidricting myself in my head, part of me saying to do something, part of me liking something and the other part hating it (like textures or activites), or part of me feeling like its breaking down while i feel normal, like its just in the background. sometimes ill be breaking down and be in the background, but im still moving and acting normal even as internally im getting super bad flashbacks and trying to get myself to run and hide in a bathroom i just cant. the same feeling that does that id also ehat keeps me from not ending it. in the past after or directly before before an attempt ill back out and either have been prevented from doing it or be in the hospital because i called for help, and i wont remember doing it, or if i do, it feels like im watching someone else do it.
I keep getting really bad thoughts about things happening, like "what if i banged my head on that window till i pass out" "what if i cut someone's car breaks" "what if that kids being abused and i didnt notice" and it makes it impossible to be in public, especially when i get the feeling (idk if thats the right word) that everyone can hear my thoughts (even though i know people cant do that). Alot of things i know can be possible/are highly unlikely feel real sometimes. Sometimes i feel like my bones are rotting, or like their are worms burrowing under my skin, or that someones watching me through my window, or that hands and eyes will come out of my walls if i touch them on acident, and i know its not something that would happen, but it feels real enough that i doubt myself and freak out.
I know my brain chemicals are jacked up, but i dont know why im so broken everywhere else.
