cowbain
teach me empathy
- Jul 16, 2019
- 143
I want to start off by saying I'm still a teenager and I may or may not have "youth" and "time" on my side but to me that doesn't really matter and I still doubt my life can get better with my circumstances.
My family really ruined my life.
Both of my parents had 0 business having kids and yet I'm here! *eye roll* They both had bad childhoods filled with abuse and neglect so I'm not surprised they treated me that way too. Still that's never an excuse, and I've given them so many opportunities including family therapy and unfortunately I learned young at 16 that they'd never change. I've dealt with every kind of abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, mental, financial) all because of my family.
It was easier to deal with when I was super young because I had naiveness in my favor but as you get older you start to realize things. And at 14 was when everything really hit.
I had a lot of stressors going on during that time that may have caused "my breakdown". My dad almost died due to a motorcycle accident, and in that same week my house got broken into and because I live in a very predominantly white town while being black the cops did nothing about it because the perpetrators were my white neighbors. That year I also had to see the person that raped me during my childhood that just so happens to be my older half brother (ik it's disgusting). I also got accepted into early college so I was going to be doing that instead of traditional high school and I felt a lot of pressure to do well. Just everything combined together + repressing reality and my emotions for years became too much to handle and I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ptsd, and I'm pretty sure I had/have ocd too.
And then due to me having anxiety attacks and not being able to stay in classrooms along with newly developed concentration problems thanks to my mental health, I stopped going to school at 15. It really sucks because all my life I've done well academically and school was like the one thing that I felt I had control over. And now that's all gone. Or at least has been really hidden the past few years. I hate mental illness because of that. It took away the one thing that could've made me get out of this hell hole. And normal people don't understand that. When I tell them I stopped going to school I know they just judge me and think I'm lazy when in reality academics had nothing to do with why I stopped going and I worked my ass off to even be considered to get accepted into early college.
Throughout the past two years everything has just gotten even more intense and I don't know what to do anymore to make things better. I've tried therapy, medications (antidepressants that just made me feel numb), and I've also been in the foster system and yikes... that would require a post in itself. My parents isolate me a lot and have even sabotaged me working or being independent. I'd rather die than have to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm dealing with so much regret even though none of this is my fault. I just hate that I never got a high school experience and lost my teen years due to an abusive family and mental illness. I hate that I stopped going to school.
I don't have friends because of the isolation but honestly who'd want to be friends with someone like me? I have way too many problems and I can't relate to people my age. I can relate more to people who are older than me but even then there's things I haven't experienced like moving out, driving, having a job, doing basic adult things?, relationships, etc. I'm miserable 100% of the time so the friendship would just be me complaining about my shit life anyways and that wouldn't be fair to that other person. Even with online friendships I feel like I just bother people because of how gross my life is and no one is ever really there for me. Its the same way about relationships. People want sex and I can't give them that when I'm not even healed from my past traumas. People only care about and want to help others that at least can do something for them, but I'm damaged goods.
So um yeah I don't really know how to end this other than saying if you've made it this far thanks for reading my sort of long ramble/vent and that I'm thinking of choosing partial suspension as my method... so if anyone has experience with that/can give me information, or offer better ways to ctb that'd be cool. As long as the methods are easy, accessible, and somewhat painless. And please don't tell me to report my family to authorities. They already know, if they cared something would've happened by now.
My family really ruined my life.
Both of my parents had 0 business having kids and yet I'm here! *eye roll* They both had bad childhoods filled with abuse and neglect so I'm not surprised they treated me that way too. Still that's never an excuse, and I've given them so many opportunities including family therapy and unfortunately I learned young at 16 that they'd never change. I've dealt with every kind of abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, mental, financial) all because of my family.
It was easier to deal with when I was super young because I had naiveness in my favor but as you get older you start to realize things. And at 14 was when everything really hit.
I had a lot of stressors going on during that time that may have caused "my breakdown". My dad almost died due to a motorcycle accident, and in that same week my house got broken into and because I live in a very predominantly white town while being black the cops did nothing about it because the perpetrators were my white neighbors. That year I also had to see the person that raped me during my childhood that just so happens to be my older half brother (ik it's disgusting). I also got accepted into early college so I was going to be doing that instead of traditional high school and I felt a lot of pressure to do well. Just everything combined together + repressing reality and my emotions for years became too much to handle and I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ptsd, and I'm pretty sure I had/have ocd too.
And then due to me having anxiety attacks and not being able to stay in classrooms along with newly developed concentration problems thanks to my mental health, I stopped going to school at 15. It really sucks because all my life I've done well academically and school was like the one thing that I felt I had control over. And now that's all gone. Or at least has been really hidden the past few years. I hate mental illness because of that. It took away the one thing that could've made me get out of this hell hole. And normal people don't understand that. When I tell them I stopped going to school I know they just judge me and think I'm lazy when in reality academics had nothing to do with why I stopped going and I worked my ass off to even be considered to get accepted into early college.
Throughout the past two years everything has just gotten even more intense and I don't know what to do anymore to make things better. I've tried therapy, medications (antidepressants that just made me feel numb), and I've also been in the foster system and yikes... that would require a post in itself. My parents isolate me a lot and have even sabotaged me working or being independent. I'd rather die than have to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm dealing with so much regret even though none of this is my fault. I just hate that I never got a high school experience and lost my teen years due to an abusive family and mental illness. I hate that I stopped going to school.
I don't have friends because of the isolation but honestly who'd want to be friends with someone like me? I have way too many problems and I can't relate to people my age. I can relate more to people who are older than me but even then there's things I haven't experienced like moving out, driving, having a job, doing basic adult things?, relationships, etc. I'm miserable 100% of the time so the friendship would just be me complaining about my shit life anyways and that wouldn't be fair to that other person. Even with online friendships I feel like I just bother people because of how gross my life is and no one is ever really there for me. Its the same way about relationships. People want sex and I can't give them that when I'm not even healed from my past traumas. People only care about and want to help others that at least can do something for them, but I'm damaged goods.
So um yeah I don't really know how to end this other than saying if you've made it this far thanks for reading my sort of long ramble/vent and that I'm thinking of choosing partial suspension as my method... so if anyone has experience with that/can give me information, or offer better ways to ctb that'd be cool. As long as the methods are easy, accessible, and somewhat painless. And please don't tell me to report my family to authorities. They already know, if they cared something would've happened by now.