Venting I think my parents have indirectly postponed/prevented my CTB.

[PurpleVoid]

I'm in my late twenties, stuck living with my parents after attempting to live in a place of my own twice. Depressed for 10 years. I've mentioned here that I have a limited time to gather the guts to carry out my CTB plan. Because of my diminishing bank balance, I have enough money to purchase a gun now - and it should be very easy for me to do so. However, that option goes away on the 14th. Also, it would not make sense for me to buy the gun and then live longer and continue to have payments I can't make, so I can't just keep the gun around until I'm ready.

I had managed to order some SN online a few months back. But I wasn't lucky enough to catch the package before my parents saw it, and I don't have a P.O. box to avoid having it sent here. They saw it was from a chemical company in another state and confiscated it - most likely long gone in a dump.

So the indirect part is... My parents are going on a trip soon. I'll be alone in the house for that time. At first, I thought it might actually make things easier for me. But then I remembered that our cat is here. I'm solely responsible for taking care of him. I can't CTB and leave him alone. Not only will he be unfed, but he'll be really anxious already because of my parents being gone. If I leave too... I just can't conscionably do that to him. He's been with me through everything.

I wish it could be another way. If I had a method already, that would buy me more time to consider whether I'll realistically even be able to go through with it. I wish it could just be there so I have the option when I'm ready. As for money, I can't work, I can't get on unemployment (mentally unfit), and I can't get disability (in my state they are pretty strict on what constitutes a disability). If I live longer, all I can do is beg my parents for money. Which, of course, is wonderful for everyone... My parents having to spend money on me, and me losing any sense of self-respect.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I might be stuck browsing this forum for longer than I thought.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring being in that situation, I see it as being so cruel how suicide isn't a proper option in this world where people can just leave in peace without all the secrecy, risks and method planning, the fact that suicide is this way just leads to more unnecessary suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[PurpleVoid]

It must be really tiring being in that situation, I see it as being so cruel how suicide isn't a proper option in this world where people can just leave in peace without all the secrecy, risks and method planning, the fact that suicide is this way just leads to more unnecessary suffering. But anyway best wishes.

Yeah, it is tiring. I appreciate your empathy. And I can see where you're coming from. But I also don't really wish suicide were instantly available to everyone. I don't mind having to make preparations or even do it in secret, I just wished I had more time to decide.