IronicClimax
Member
- Sep 10, 2020
- 8
I recently came out as trans and I thought it went well. She said some pretty insensitive stuff but she said it while offering support (and I know it isnt an excuse but she didnt think they were offensive). Since then she's been treating me differently (but in her defense I have been a bitch lately). She rolls her eyes when I mention stuff related to me being trans. I know things could be worse that's why I dont want to make a big deal out of it. I dont entirely blame her new attitude towards me bc of my coming out. I've been really depressed (but that isnt an excuse) and I havent had the motivation to do really anything (which includes cleaning, which is also something she expects me to do often) and I've been in a bitch mood. I really think she hates me. And that isnt me being dramatic or anything. She's never acted like this towards me for this long. My parents are divorced and I switch houses from my moms to my dads. I hate going to my dads and it would be unbearable if it weren't for my brothers. Just the entire family dynamic there sucks. Especially stuff involved with my step mother (which is pretty much everything there) and it just all sucks. I used to love going to my moms bc it felt like an escape but now it feels the same. Everything just makes me want to fucking kill myself and get it over with finally but I dont (as stupid as this sounds) my mom to "take credit" for my suicide. I dont want her to think it's her fault and she caused it, not bc I care about how it affects her (I accepted it long ago how my death would affect them, as selfish as this all sounds) but because I want them to know I chose this. I made this decision with my own thinking and I dont want that to be taken away from me (but I also know I cant control how they view it). I dont want them to think that a petty arguement is what finally "drove me over the edge", that jsut sounds stupid. Is it dumb I want to commit suicide when I'm (physically) attending school? This is gonna sound bad but, I want them to know I existed and that I'm now dead. That I actually committed and that I'm really dead. I dont want them to think I moved schools or whatever. I also want my friends to know I'm dead but only so that they dont come up with their own stuff like me going missing or something (I doubt my parents would tell any of them I'm dead) and I especially dont want them to think I'm ignoring them. Idk just everything sucks rn and I'm just thinking about stuff. Sorry that this vent bounced everywhere, I wrote this at 2 am
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