I think my life is good, despite this i still want to kms

[TekkenPlayer]

Hello everyone hope youre doing ok

In general I would say im blessed with a few good things in this life i was born in
I love my family to death and feel incredibly grateful for them, as they have been by my side for all my hardships and help me in all the ways they can. typing this made me tear up a little ngl
And all the friends that i have i feel are good friends. I enjoy their company and so do i and we're nice to eachother generally

My life circumstances are mediocre, not the best financially, ive screwed up my academics but nothing you cant salvage

Thorought my life ive felt pretty guilty to the fact that im not doing my best in life. People in general have always been supportive and yet i cant help myself but be lazy and do nothing of value, this isnt about pleasing other people but myself, others' support has always been adjacent to my general vision of what i want to do in life, ive never been forced to follow a life path undesirable to me

I have my history of mental struggles (depression, social anxiety, isolation, loneliness) for roughly 7 years. In a way im in a better condition than before since I no longer have social anxiety and by extension dont suffer from isolation/loneliness, and i am in general a more competent person than before

And yet, this all feels pointless

I'll be real for a sec. For the past year and a half ive been driven mad to the point of suicidality to the fact that i dont have any sexual experience (having a gf etc), and the weird thing is prior to that i didnt care about having a partner and everything. Like whenever sex was mentioned in a convo i never understood what the big deal was. Its not that i had 0 interest in the subject, i was just weirded out by how obssesed people seem to be
My best guess now is that due to my depression there was simply no room for libido to run its course in my brain
But when things seemed to get better in my life, I was totally blindsided by this sudden urge for sex, and i havent been successful in finding anyone since im a little shy when it comes to this deal, doesnt help that im in a cs uni for sure
I may come off as a little hopeless but i think my chances are not 0. I have managed to become more sociable and make friends when in the past i used to be a nervous wreck in public spaces, so i should be able to figure this out too at some point in the future

Now im still suicidal (no surprise considering i joined this website lol), but for a different reason
I have simply lost interest in life
Whatever activity i may do with others or solo as enjoyable as it may be, when it ends i just think of killing myself
I just dont care, i wish i was never born, everything feels so mundane to me and i cant find the desire to live
The sole reason i havent ended it all for so long is because of my parents. I cannot fathom doing this horror to them
They have done so much for me and they deserve something better than a son that ended up dropping their head from the 5th floor
Other than that, i cant seem to be grateful for anything no matter how hard i try, i just find not existing much more appealing than living
I cant feel fulfillment by anything either anymore. Any struggles i overcome from simple videogame challenges to important life milestones feel as simple nuisances that end up rewarding me with meaningless achievements in a place i never asked to be
because everytime i achieve something, the goalpost is being moved further and it makes going for the next milestone pointless since in the end all i have managed to do is just move the goalpost further away
I dont look forward to anything, i just wish i never woke up every morning
If i could simply snap my fingers and erase my name from the name of history, like i never existed in anyones life id do so in a heartbeat but alas...

And i feel stupid for wanting to kms when i read the horrid experiences other people are going through on a daily basis on this website, while my reason for ctb is merely preferring not existing over living
I just want to either live life to the absolute fullest or return to 0. And this awkward middle point where i still live despite not wanting to is pure suffering
I want to solve this problem in my head, and i feel this space is a good place to start since the topic of suicide is a taboo and we can be honest and free of judgement here

Thank you so much for reading everything, all of this was kind of a stream of my thoughts, so i wish it was a bit more organized

 

[derekWest]

from the 5th floor

if you make an attempt, please, do it from at least the 15th floor (common advice done on the website)

But when things seemed to get better in my life, I was totally blindsided by this sudden urge for sex

do you take medications ?
Have you some diagnostics done by professionals ?

I have simply lost interest in life

since when ? is it always the case ?

If i could simply snap my fingers and erase my name from the name of history, like i never existed in anyones life id do so in a heartbeat but alas...

do you like you ?

And i feel stupid for wanting to kms when i read the horrid experiences other people are going through on a daily basis on this website, while my reason for ctb is merely preferring not existing over living

i have the same remark for my life : i have money, family/friends support, a job (i'm currently in sick leave, however...)
it is a relief for me to find this website to describe my situation without jugement. sometimes, i'm feel guilty when i see others that have some many real problems !

I just want to either live life to the absolute fullest or return to 0. And this awkward middle point where i still live despite not wanting to is pure suffering

it seem that it's not possible. suffer can't be dissociate form living. i'm also unable to accept that, i think.

 

[TekkenPlayer]

do you take medications ?
Have you some diagnostics done by professionals ?

No and i cant really afford that stuff if i wanted to

since when ? is it always the case ?

i think it started about 3-4 months ago

do you like you ?

I used to genuinely hate myself to a severe degree but ive been over that phase now. The erasing my name part comes from me not wanting to cause any grief to anyone

i have the same remark for my life : i have money, family/friends support, a job (i'm currently in sick leave, however...)
it is a relief for me to find this website to describe my situation without jugement. sometimes, i'm feel guilty when i see others that have some many real problems !

yea its bizarre how that works, some people are fighting tooth and nail for or never even had the chance to experience essential necessities and yet some of us have them and even more yet cant be satisfied

it seem that it's not possible. suffer can't be dissociate form living. i'm also unable to accept that, i think.

I know its impossible to have life without suffering, what i want is if i choose to live (which im passively doing and essentially all of us here are passively doing by not dying this very moment since our brain has a strong survival instinct), I will live because i actively want to experience everything i do in life, become the best i can at what i do and become fully engaged with it, develop an insatiable curiosity for the world around me, try to make the world a slightly better place with what i have. And generally just being in the moment instead of existing simply because it is the default state of living
I dont want to merely be alive for the sake of it. I want to live and make the most of it and if i need to take risks to do something i truly want to i will no matter what suffering might be behind that risk. Even if the risk is death itself id rather live to the fullest and die experiencing my best life than slowly dying a miserable death. I used to think how are some people so reckless with their lives considering what they do. But ive reached a point where i understand where theyre coming from