Help I think my brain is FINALLY realizing it's going to happen!!

[sooverallthingslife]

I've had suicidal ideation for years now but always managed to cope. Don't know why, per se, but the last 6 months, I've lost all desire to even try. Im ready to go.
I've alienated EVERYONE from my life, stopped all medication for my mental health issues, while still happily putting on a mask for my therapist. Poor sweet lady thinks she's saved me.
The only people who I thought cared about me were at my job,. They knew ALL of my issues including my thoughts of suicide. I had a really shit day so I just quit. That was a month ago. In that month, not one of them called, texted, or emailed, to see if I was ok. I kept thinking maybe today, maybe today, maybe at Christmas, maybe New Years........but nope.
So now I'm hopelessly broken, unloved, poor, and have made the preperation to CTB. My thing is, now I have about 40hrs left on this earth, and I'm having all of these thought and anxieties. I don't have doubts about leaving, just about the time coming up so quickly and what I'll actually be thinking in those final moments. It's really kinda scary!!
Any thoughts on how to not be so afraid of death?

 

[RestrainedEmotion]

I wish I had an answer for you I think if you are scared maybe this isn't the right time for you. Perhaps take more time and look deep inside yourself there you will find what you are looking for . I wish you all the best. If you do decide to CBT may peace and love be with you.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm so sorry that life has come to this for you and that everyone has abandoned you in your last hours. We are all here for you and you are not alone. Also, just know that you can change your mind if you want to and we will all respect any decision you make.
Having said that. . .
Will you be taking any anti-anxiety meds? That might help. Otherwise, I just plan on thinking the happiest thoughts that I can throughout the process. If you have happy memories in your life, focus on those. Or if you have people on the other side and you believe you might see them again, focus on that. Or, if you believe there's an afterlife, focus on what you hope it will be like.
If you're an atheist and you believe we die and that's it, then focus on how it's going to be to not feel anything anymore. That last one would be very hard for me to do because I can't really imagine what that would be like.
I'm going to imagine myself finally being released and free of my body and all the burdens of being alive, just a spirit flying free at last.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do and that if you decide to go through with it that your process is peaceful. Sending lots of love and hugs.

 

[k75]

Did the people at your job normally contact you outside of work? Is it possible they never checked on you because they thought you didn't want to hear from them since you quit and not because they didn't care?

 

[sooverallthingslife]

I wish I had an answer for you I think if you are scared maybe this isn't the right time for you. Perhaps take more time and look deep inside yourself there you will find what you are looking for . I wish you all the best. If you do decide to CBT may peace and love be with you.

I am not scared to be dead. I want nothing more. I AM scared to die. Even more so, petrified to live.
Thank you for your kind words!!

Did the people at your job normally contact you outside of work? Is it possible they never checked on you because they thought you didn't want to hear from them since you quit and not because they didn't care?

In all fairness to them, I was very emotional and rude when I left, so maybe that's what they were thinking.
I did text the boss, who by the way is my emergency contact for my driver's license and the hospital I was admitted to in May and again in Set of last year(the only person in CO who cared enough to say yes to the task), I asked if I could come back to return my key and say goodbye to everyone. He said I could just mail the key back. It kinda broke my heart because he always said he'd do anything for me. I guess it just goes to show everyone is replaceable!!

 

[Quarky00]

Dying is scary. You're sure about death but fearful it's coming so soon. Same here.

You said you have anxieties about what you'll think in the final moments - kinda anxious about being anxious (I'm sure there's more to it). What are you worried about?

 

[sooverallthingslife]

Dying is scary. You're sure about death but fearful it's coming so soon. Same here.

You said you have anxieties about what you'll think in the final moments - kinda anxious about being anxious (I'm sure there's more to it). What are you worried about?

I'm most worried that it won't work and I'll be stuck in this anguish, trying to eke by alone, only to have to try again.
I'm worried that it will affect anyone else's psyche, in a bad way, or that it won't because I actualy didn't matter.
I'm worried about who's going to have to deal with my body or all my things.
So many things........
None of which are I want to try and makes things work out on this earth.

 

[Quarky00]

Everyone anxious their cbt won't work. Sorry, that won't make you feel better.. But at least we share same anxiety. Terrifying. Try to address that anxiety by making sure everything works for you. It sounds dumb but works: many ask questions, recheck things, feel reassured.

It's bad if it will affect others and it's bad if it won't.. "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't". Awful loop. I try to remember that this (the end) is my time, and I'm doing it for me, and I take control of my life right now. I'm not sure that suits you. But this is about you and what's good for you

Sorry I cannot be more helpful (tired), hope didn't worsen your anxiety! Hope you'd feel more calm

 

[BPD Barbie]

Its human nature to fear death and to have survival instinct. So it's the most natural feeling and I don't think we can ever fully escape it. I am in the same boat as you, quit my job, alienated most of my friends and family and tell people what they want to hear. I take my medication though because I want my remaining days to be tolerable.

 

[sooverallthingslife]

I've been doing laundry, dishes, and getting things all neat/tidy. Keeping my mind occupied with mundane tasks has helped.
I've taken the time to get my bed all made up(I've been sleeping on the couch for a month), with fresh clean sheets and some of my comfort items.
I have also reread posts on my method, so as to feel more confident.
I think the acceptance part is sinking in and I'm less anxious.

 

[HannahB]

The trick isnt 'trying to not be afraid of death' it's no longer being a slave to fear. To take control of your emotions by realizing they are just warnings not laws. If you have thought through everything there is about death and are comfortable that doesnt mean your sympathetic nervous system is. One must learn to be the master of their emotions with practice.

 

[sooverallthingslife]

Twenty Four hours, give or take, left to feel all the feels....happy at times, content at times, sad at times, broken at times, lost at times and guilty ALL the time.
When they all happen at the same time, the mental anguish is unbearable. And now, the peace I seek, will be mine forever.
I'm so glad to have somehow find this site. To have found a group of amazing people, I've never met, that just listen understand, and support.
Not people who say don't because there's all these reasons to "live", not people who say if you're going to do it- do it already, but people who lovingly say your decision is your decision and we support it either way.
No matter any naysayer's opinion, you guy ARE ABSOLUTELY doing a wonderful thing here.

 

[jgm63]

My spiritual teacher said "It's always alright now". I think that applies no matter what, so I don't think you need to fear.
He also said "You always get through. Have you ever known a time when you didn't get through ?".
So you don't need to be afraid....

 

[TAW122]

It's your survival instinct that is kicking in. I suppose there are ways to calm it though, including having some alcohol or meditation of some sort. Everyone's SI is a bit different so one thing that may work for overcoming SI for one person may/not work for another person. Anyways, I wish you peace in your remaining time on Earth.

 

[sooverallthingslife]

I started my generator for the first time and gas smells overwhelmingly like PEACE.
Now, I'm fairly certain that I will be able to lay in bed breathing in my PEACE!!

 

[sooverallthingslife]

Only five more hours. Time to get my head in the game. I'd like to keep reading until I reset my device but at that time I will disable my account.
Thanks to you all for your support and guidance.
Here's hoping that this is my "Be all-End all".

 

[randomguy101]

hope you find the peace

 

[sooverallthingslife]

hope you find the peace

Thank you so much!!
Over and Out

 

[Moonicide]

Hope you're finally at peace, love.

 

[Zoltiel]

Rest in peace

 

[gambardella]

Rest well now.

 

[MrOptions]

Peaceful journeys.

 

[jgm63]

Safe travels

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Its human nature to fear death and to have survival instinct. So it's the most natural feeling and I don't think we can ever fully escape it. I am in the same boat as you, quit my job, alienated most of my friends and family and tell people what they want to hear. I take my medication though because I want my remaining days to be tolerable.

I took 8 gm dilantin once, and had the 4 day concert of those i lived with not been cancelled, due to a sudden severe storm, I would not be here now. There was no fight with si...nothing. No fear, no si. Just took the stuff and waited. Unfortunately they came back that afternoon. Found. I am not afraid of death, never have been. Dying, and death are as natural as birth and breathing...what is there to be afraid of?