SunnySideSummer
Member
- Oct 2, 2025
- 19
Sorry, this is going to be very messy — I'm just going to throw random moments of my life together.
At the beginning of this year, I started seriously thinking about suicide. I pictured it, because I was desperate to find happiness, peace, and love, things I've never been able to know or experience... My youth and my teenage years are behind me.
I won't go into every detail, but my life has been a series of repeated humiliations from my family, my cousins, my so-called "friends" in middle school who actually just put me down all the time. But I was desperate and probably stupid back then, thinking it was normal. Even their parents, their brothers and sisters mocked me — it's honestly a total joke.
My mother was the same for years, and my father too.
My mother would call me a faggot, a piece of shit, say I should never have been born, etc.
Near the end of high school, I made two friends, twins, very close ones. One of them lives with a cat I had adopted, but I had to leave the cat with him because I live in my parents' apartment (I live there with my brother and I'm the one who pays the rent).
Because of that, I couldn't afford my therapy sessions. My parents said that giving 200 euros to my friend so he could pay for an emergency surgery to save the cat's life was stupid, that I was an idiot, etc.
I told my parents that I had thought about suicide. My sisters, my brother, my parents — none of them cared. I sent a message saying I wanted to kill myself, and they didn't react at all.
But one day, when my mother saw me crying like a wreck, she made an appointment with a psychologist for me. So she's the one who took that step so that's why I went in the begining thinking it was a sign my mom love me.
But in the end, she told me:
"With those 200 euros, you could've paid for four therapy sessions. What are you going to do go crazier until you kill yourself? Anyway, if you die, we'll cry for two weeks and then we'll forget you."
I got angry, insulted her, and left.
Later, when we talked about it again, my father said I was exaggerating. My mother said all I do is complain and blame others, and that I should look at myself instead.
I feel terribly alone and abandoned, like the worst piece of shit, the most pathetic person ever.
When I was a teenager, a rumor spread that I was gay and since I live in Marseille, in neighborhoods considered "rough," that's a very serious thing.
My parents, of course, gave me no support and quite the opposite.
My father kept telling me to go see prostitutes, that he could arrange a marriage with a cousin, and that it wouldn't stop me from cheating for fun because "everyone does it."
Yeah, I'm from a Gypsy family , people get married at 14–16, it's illegal but it happens.
I don't know why my father tells me that, he knows I've always dreamed of real love — even just one romantic relationship, or a fling when I was a teenager. But it's too late now; my youth is behind me.
In my early twenties, I tried again to talk about wanting true love not one-night stands. My father interrupted me, cut me off, saying "Go see a whore." I tried to answer, "But I'm telling you I want—" and he cut me off again: "Just go get laid."
Maybe I really am just emotional trash. People don't look for love anyway, especially at a young age. They just want to have fun, enjoy life...
So I'm the one who's wrong: wrong for wanting a real relationship. I could've stayed with a girl I didn't even like, neither her looks nor her personality, just to use her body — but no, I couldn't force myself.
Of course, that only made the rumors worse that I must be gay.
When I was 13~14 years old, my parents set up this weird situation to make me sleep with a girl.
She was my little sister's friend. They said it was my chance to have a girlfriend. I didn't like her, but I thought "why not, maybe I can try."
But my sister didn't want it, and I overheard my parents telling her to let it happen. That girl and I kissed in the stairwell of my building, my sister watching from above — I didn't like it at all. It felt wrong, creepy even.
Then when that girl slept over, my parents pulled me aside and said:
"Go see her, tell her to come to your room so you can fuck her."
I did go with her to my room, but the whole time I kept thinking — my parents in the next room probably imagining I'm having sex, my sister in the other room probably thinking the same. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable, so I didn't do anything with the girl.
The next day at lunch, we were all eating pasta — my sister, her friend, and my parents.
My father looked weird, red, angry. My mother asked, "Are you okay?" and he stood up, slammed his plate on the table, and shouted:
"My son's a faggot! I'm the only man whose son had a girl in his bed and did nothing!" and he left.
My mother always takes his side, and he takes hers.
My life has been years of sick stuff, humiliation, bullying...
My father keeps saying, "You can't be my son — I was a rocket, I dated tons of girls at once, I was always with someone," and that I'm just a loser, a piece of shit.
My mother thinks the same.
My brother too — even though he's calm with me, I know he talks shit behind my back.
He doesn't really have friends, and when he started hanging out with mine (the twins, and one of their wives), they told me how he badmouthed me — how much he despises me, says I'm the worst person, that he'd rather have anyone else as a big brother.
Without my three friends, I think I'd already be dead. But the more time passes, the more I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever.
I think I've spent so many years just being depressed and feeling worthless since I was 12 (I'm 27 now) that I don't think it's even possible to fix my brain, my heart, my mind, or to make up for my wasted youth.
It's over.
After a scooter accident, I have a weak leg — I can barely run. I'll never feel "at my peak" physically again. I tried, lost a lot of weight at the gym, but I don't feel better in my body, not more confident.
There's just nothing. Nothing left.
The last bit of light I had was discovering Bob's Burgers, such a great cartoon, and loving little Tina Belcher — I find her really adorable. If I had been a father, I would've wanted a daughter like her (though I would've kept a closer eye on her weird behavior around boys!).
Anyway, I'm desperate. I think that even chemically, it's impossible for me to be happy.
Diagnosed with depression at 13, then 17, then 23 — it's now considered chronic.
ADD without hyperactivity, and melancholic by nature. Add depression to that, and it's easy to understand why inside my head and guts, it's emotional hell.
At 8 my parents don't know because they never gained m'y truth but a cousin who should have been 16 at this time sexually abused me, stuff in the mouth forced
Sorry if this is boring to read — I'm writing this suddenly, just in case, to leave a trace of why and how things went so wrong for me. I can't keep hope anymore.
I don't know what I'll do in the next few weeks.
At the beginning of this year, I started seriously thinking about suicide. I pictured it, because I was desperate to find happiness, peace, and love, things I've never been able to know or experience... My youth and my teenage years are behind me.
I won't go into every detail, but my life has been a series of repeated humiliations from my family, my cousins, my so-called "friends" in middle school who actually just put me down all the time. But I was desperate and probably stupid back then, thinking it was normal. Even their parents, their brothers and sisters mocked me — it's honestly a total joke.
My mother was the same for years, and my father too.
My mother would call me a faggot, a piece of shit, say I should never have been born, etc.
Near the end of high school, I made two friends, twins, very close ones. One of them lives with a cat I had adopted, but I had to leave the cat with him because I live in my parents' apartment (I live there with my brother and I'm the one who pays the rent).
Because of that, I couldn't afford my therapy sessions. My parents said that giving 200 euros to my friend so he could pay for an emergency surgery to save the cat's life was stupid, that I was an idiot, etc.
I told my parents that I had thought about suicide. My sisters, my brother, my parents — none of them cared. I sent a message saying I wanted to kill myself, and they didn't react at all.
But one day, when my mother saw me crying like a wreck, she made an appointment with a psychologist for me. So she's the one who took that step so that's why I went in the begining thinking it was a sign my mom love me.
But in the end, she told me:
"With those 200 euros, you could've paid for four therapy sessions. What are you going to do go crazier until you kill yourself? Anyway, if you die, we'll cry for two weeks and then we'll forget you."
I got angry, insulted her, and left.
Later, when we talked about it again, my father said I was exaggerating. My mother said all I do is complain and blame others, and that I should look at myself instead.
I feel terribly alone and abandoned, like the worst piece of shit, the most pathetic person ever.
When I was a teenager, a rumor spread that I was gay and since I live in Marseille, in neighborhoods considered "rough," that's a very serious thing.
My parents, of course, gave me no support and quite the opposite.
My father kept telling me to go see prostitutes, that he could arrange a marriage with a cousin, and that it wouldn't stop me from cheating for fun because "everyone does it."
Yeah, I'm from a Gypsy family , people get married at 14–16, it's illegal but it happens.
I don't know why my father tells me that, he knows I've always dreamed of real love — even just one romantic relationship, or a fling when I was a teenager. But it's too late now; my youth is behind me.
In my early twenties, I tried again to talk about wanting true love not one-night stands. My father interrupted me, cut me off, saying "Go see a whore." I tried to answer, "But I'm telling you I want—" and he cut me off again: "Just go get laid."
Maybe I really am just emotional trash. People don't look for love anyway, especially at a young age. They just want to have fun, enjoy life...
So I'm the one who's wrong: wrong for wanting a real relationship. I could've stayed with a girl I didn't even like, neither her looks nor her personality, just to use her body — but no, I couldn't force myself.
Of course, that only made the rumors worse that I must be gay.
When I was 13~14 years old, my parents set up this weird situation to make me sleep with a girl.
She was my little sister's friend. They said it was my chance to have a girlfriend. I didn't like her, but I thought "why not, maybe I can try."
But my sister didn't want it, and I overheard my parents telling her to let it happen. That girl and I kissed in the stairwell of my building, my sister watching from above — I didn't like it at all. It felt wrong, creepy even.
Then when that girl slept over, my parents pulled me aside and said:
"Go see her, tell her to come to your room so you can fuck her."
I did go with her to my room, but the whole time I kept thinking — my parents in the next room probably imagining I'm having sex, my sister in the other room probably thinking the same. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable, so I didn't do anything with the girl.
The next day at lunch, we were all eating pasta — my sister, her friend, and my parents.
My father looked weird, red, angry. My mother asked, "Are you okay?" and he stood up, slammed his plate on the table, and shouted:
"My son's a faggot! I'm the only man whose son had a girl in his bed and did nothing!" and he left.
My mother always takes his side, and he takes hers.
My life has been years of sick stuff, humiliation, bullying...
My father keeps saying, "You can't be my son — I was a rocket, I dated tons of girls at once, I was always with someone," and that I'm just a loser, a piece of shit.
My mother thinks the same.
My brother too — even though he's calm with me, I know he talks shit behind my back.
He doesn't really have friends, and when he started hanging out with mine (the twins, and one of their wives), they told me how he badmouthed me — how much he despises me, says I'm the worst person, that he'd rather have anyone else as a big brother.
Without my three friends, I think I'd already be dead. But the more time passes, the more I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever.
I think I've spent so many years just being depressed and feeling worthless since I was 12 (I'm 27 now) that I don't think it's even possible to fix my brain, my heart, my mind, or to make up for my wasted youth.
It's over.
After a scooter accident, I have a weak leg — I can barely run. I'll never feel "at my peak" physically again. I tried, lost a lot of weight at the gym, but I don't feel better in my body, not more confident.
There's just nothing. Nothing left.
The last bit of light I had was discovering Bob's Burgers, such a great cartoon, and loving little Tina Belcher — I find her really adorable. If I had been a father, I would've wanted a daughter like her (though I would've kept a closer eye on her weird behavior around boys!).
Anyway, I'm desperate. I think that even chemically, it's impossible for me to be happy.
Diagnosed with depression at 13, then 17, then 23 — it's now considered chronic.
ADD without hyperactivity, and melancholic by nature. Add depression to that, and it's easy to understand why inside my head and guts, it's emotional hell.
At 8 my parents don't know because they never gained m'y truth but a cousin who should have been 16 at this time sexually abused me, stuff in the mouth forced
Sorry if this is boring to read — I'm writing this suddenly, just in case, to leave a trace of why and how things went so wrong for me. I can't keep hope anymore.
I don't know what I'll do in the next few weeks.
