I think I'm just bad

[woofwag]

Idk how else to put it. I'm just bad, so so bad. I fuck up all the time. I'm stubborn, I hate when people tell me what to do and I get mad so quick at things that don't matter at all. I have these massive, explosive episodes that affect everyone around me. I try to keep it under wraps. But most of the time that manifests as me avoiding them, and if I don't avoid them I start spiraling, forcing them to take care of me, making them deal with my nonsense. It's the BPD, I'm aware. But I think there's more than just the BPD. I think I'm just bad and broken. I can't handle living. I am constantly having these triggers to things that are innocuous, sometimes even to things like people trying to give advice in good faith or encouraging me. And then I go around and try to do the same things to other people because I don't want anyone to be like me, and it doesn't even make sense because if I don't like it, why would they?

I don't think I'm built to live. I don't have the energy, motivation, passion, courage, strength, healthy body, or will to do it. I don't have anything. I do these things to try and help. I do the things people tell you to do, like therapy and meds and self-care and exercise and healthy eating and meditation, I do all the things or at least have tried to at one point, and I always end up back here, to this endless pit. I don't think I care about myself enough to bother trying anyway. Even if I weren't such a bad, evil, rotten person. But I am, I'm the most bad and worthless creature ever. I deserve to die for how I hurt people and how I continue to hurt people. And ya know what sucks? Sometimes I genuinely don't give a shit. Sometimes I hurt people on purpose. I try not to have it be anyone I know, but I like leading people on and making people on dating apps think I like them and then brutally reject them and insult them and I don't know them or care about them so I find some level of pleasure in it. And then sometimes I feel bad later, but most of the time I don't. Sometimes I fantasize about cutting them and really enjoying their terror and it has nothing to do with sadism, it's just me. I'm not a sadist; I don't like mixing pain and sex. I just want to actually hurt them. And I also fantasize about hurting myself with people, or me hurting myself and them just watching, because I like my own pain too and I think I deserve it more than I could ever want to hurt someone else anyway. Isn't that just an evil thing to do? I'm kind of just a nasty person. Even if I do have people who love me, I eventually weaken or entirely dissolve those bonds due to my avoidant tendencies and my constant poor health.

I'm just... such a deeply hurt and hurtful person. Ever since my system left, I've become more angry and impulsive. And now it's been a year, and they're still gone, and I'm still here, doing it all by myself and I CAN'T, I can't do it anymore. I'm the worst of us. Why did they ever think it would be a good idea to pick me as host? I'm bad. I'm so bad and horrible. I'm even too lazy to finish my CTB prep. See? I'm wrong in every way. I'm only trying to feel a bit better now just to finish it all off. Death is all I'm good for now. At least my body will make nice food for the maggots and the rot. That's all I have left to offer anymore.

 

[HowlingCoyote]

i have bpd too, i'm also a system. i've been left alone before, it's scary, it's really hard especially when you're left with the thoughts of all the bad things you've done. but bad things don't make you bad, and even if they do, you can do good too. from one bad dog to another, we'll get through it i'm here if you need someone to talk to about this

 

[woofwag]

i have bpd too, i'm also a system. i've been left alone before, it's scary, it's really hard especially when you're left with the thoughts of all the bad things you've done. but bad things don't make you bad, and even if they do, you can do good too. from one bad dog to another, we'll get through it i'm here if you need someone to talk to about this

Thank you for saying this. I honestly don't want to be this way, which is why it hurts so bad. I've done so much to try to stop, but after being this my whole life, idk, it starts to feel fundamental :( but thank you, I hope you can feel not so bad someday too. I think I care a lot more about the people on this site being ok than myself haha

 

[martyrdom]

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[woofwag]

[Hidden content]

It doesn't feel like it's in my control :( because I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stop having these desires. I've tried to be a good person y'know? Like really tried, but it seems to be against my nature.

There's a thing with dogs called behavioral euthanasia. It can happen for a variety of reasons, but the most common is due to rage syndrome. The poor things don't have control over it, their eyes just glaze over and it's like they're a different animal, and when the rage is done they come out of it and are confused and guilty because even they don't understand what they're just done. And I feel like that all the time. I feel like I probably am just one of those dogs. Because I get like that a lot, where I'll have these explosive episodes and later look back and feel guilty and confused and not understand why any of that happened, like I'm on a leash by my own disaster and I have no choice but to be led into the dark. It's not fair to other people, and it's not fair to me. I didn't ask to be like this. At least when the rest of my system was here, I was less insufferable because they could help. But uhhh yeah, they can't, and I'm losing hope they'll ever come back.

Thankfully, most of the things I want to do to hurt people I don't act on. But that just leads me to implode. Weed is horrible for me, but last night I thought "fuck it" and ate an edible and omg. Omg no. It made all my most horrible, disgusting intrusive thoughts come back :( I don't think I'm fixable. I think I tried. I think I even still do, but it really is mainly just to have to energy to ctb these days. The only form of permanent responsibility I think I could ever take it ctb'ing, since obviously I'm doomed by my own brain to continue fucking up like this. I have completely lost control of myself and my reality. Death will be a kindness...