I think I’m gonna try to take another extended break from here

[ThatStateOfMind]

I find myself browsing the site more and more often. I'm in a very bad place mentally right now. A lot of it stems from various fears I have currently. Most recently, I fear that I won't be able to get a job in the field after getting a degree. The interview process seems brutal and scary, and if I can't land anything, I'll have wasted 4 years on a degree in which I can't do anything.

I know I could always do a different field and the degree isn't a set path, but I don't even know what I would do tbh. I mean, I could likely look into some sort of law enforcement, or maybe teaching. I'm not even sure, and if nothing works out, I could always purchase some SN as a sort of "last resort," but I'm still at least 1-2 years away from that.

Anyways, I feel like my constant lurking and browsing and posting probably indicates that I need a sort of time-out from this site.

We'll find out what happens, I don't know how long I'll be gone, just until I feel ready to come back.


I wish everyone the best while I'm gone.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck and all the best!!!

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm back now, I couldn't take a very long break. I'm gonna keep the signature because I want to keep my site visits to a low amount, but I can't really leave the site right now. I'm struggling right now and this is the only place I feel like I fit in. I haven't struggled like this is a while. I just signed my intent to graduate but that simultaneously caused me an undue amount of stress :(

 

[EternalShore]

I understand~ :( Having such a supportive place such as SS and the users here for those who really need it is truly wonderful~ :) I wish you the best with your future endeavors! ^_^
and for guaranteed jobs, I'd go with teaching too~ :) That's currently the reason why I'm doing it at least! xD

 

[rosepanda]

Be safe. Best of luck with everything!

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I understand~ :( Having such a supportive place such as SS and the users here for those who really need it is truly wonderful~ :) I wish you the best with your future endeavors! ^_^
and for guaranteed jobs, I'd go with teaching too~ :) That's currently the reason why I'm doing it at least! xD

Yeah, I'll probably try to stay more on the recovery side for now to keep on the more supportive, positive side of this forum! Thank you, I wish you the best of luck too!

Ultimately, no clue what career I'll end up in but I do feel like completing this degree regardless is important. Even if I don't use it, having any degree is better than no degree in my personal opinion, and I like the broader world view this degree is helping me obtain. I feel like my perspective was more, "2D," I suppose is the best way to put it. Anyways, I'm gonna follow you, it's always nice to meet another college student on here!

 

[EternalShore]

Ultimately, no clue what career I'll end up in but I do feel like completing this degree regardless is important. Even if I don't use it, having any degree is better than no degree in my personal opinion, and I like the broader world view this degree is helping me obtain. I feel like my perspective was more, "2D," I suppose is the best way to put it. Anyways, I'm gonna follow you, it's always nice to meet another college student on here!

yeah, it sucks how that's true, but it is~ xD There's a lot of jobs you can get with any college degree compared to none! hehe~
Thank you! ^_^ I followed you back! :D ofc, I hate being a college student, but there's not much I can do about that until I graduate! xD It must feel nice to feel like it's bettering you by broadening your horizons and stuff tho~ :)

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

yeah, it sucks how that's true, but it is~ xD There's a lot of jobs you can get with any college degree compared to none! hehe~
Thank you! ^_^ I followed you back! :D ofc, I hate being a college student, but there's not much I can do about that until I graduate! xD It must feel nice to feel like it's bettering you by broadening your horizons and stuff tho~ :)

Yeah I agree, I believe at the very least, it shows persistence. It shows an employer, "Hey, this person went to this school and did their work for 4 years," or something like that. It sucks, but it is what it is, and at least I have the opportunity to get a degree, I suppose.

You're welcome! I greatly dislike being a college student, hate feels too strong because sometimes I enjoy it but those times are rare. I learned it's better than the alternative when I got a more laborious job over the summer and realized I hated that sooo, its like pick your battles haha.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

an update: I'm gonna try again, didn't want to make a new thread because this, again, might not last long, especially since I'm mentally struggling. I feel like I'm all over the place right now, my mind is everywhere and no where all at once if that makes sense? Tomorrow, I'll be doing some assignments so hopefully I can keep busy enough to keep my mind off of life and maybe even help in the break from this site.

I do worry, since my mental health is on a steady decline, that I may eventually CTB but idk. A big part is obviously college, future job market worries, and overall being unemployed after my 4-year degree. That's what's hurting the most right now.

Goodbye again, hopefully for longer than 4 days this time.

 

[circus22]

One of my biggest fears is not being able to find a job after graduating as well. I've seen so many people struggling even with a degree and I'm terrified of ending up like that. I'm kind of regretting the field I chose and feel like it's too late to start over :/

Wishing you the best though.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

an update: I'm gonna try again, didn't want to make a new thread because this, again, might not last long, especially since I'm mentally struggling. I feel like I'm all over the place right now, my mind is everywhere and no where all at once if that makes sense? Tomorrow, I'll be doing some assignments so hopefully I can keep busy enough to keep my mind off of life and maybe even help in the break from this site.

I do worry, since my mental health is on a steady decline, that I may eventually CTB but idk. A big part is obviously college, future job market worries, and overall being unemployed after my 4-year degree. That's what's hurting the most right now.

Goodbye again, hopefully for longer than 4 days this time.

Thinking of you

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

It's been a week, nothings really different. I'm not ending my break, I just wanna reply to people

One of my biggest fears is not being able to find a job after graduating as well. I've seen so many people struggling even with a degree and I'm terrified of ending up like that. I'm kind of regretting the field I chose and feel like it's too late to start over :/

Wishing you the best though.

yeah the fear is real dude, the job market is rough right now. Fed slashed interest rates so maybe that will help a little in the coming years, though I don't think anything immediate will happen.

I similarly regret the field but the only other thing I can think of is nursing and that's so emotionally taxing, I don't know how well I could do in it.

Keeping the link for SN bookmarked JUST IN CASE.

Thinking of you

thank you!

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Good luck! Do you need any career advice? I could take a look.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I similarly regret the field but the only other thing I can think of is nursing and that's so emotionally taxing, I don't know how well I could do in it.

Not every nursing job is going to be equally taxing in that regard. Some can be quite chill.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Good luck! Do you need any career advice? I could take a look.

No, not really, it's too early for anything right now. I'm about halfway through a computer science degree, and pretty miserable. Not as much the coursework as just college in general feeling as if it's grinding me down. I've considered changing majors but I know I have no passion for anything really, so I fear there's no great major for me

Not every nursing job is going to be equally taxing in that regard. Some can be quite chill.

I know, but a good portion of them will. Especially since the college will usually help you get placed in a job, and the first job for nurses is usually hospitals, at least around here. Not to mention the nursing program is also pretty competitive I'm learning, and it's almost like a whole different program from a normal degree so I'm less certain about switching now



Also this isn't in reply to anyone, but I've found out I can hide the Suicide Discussion section and might do that. I only mention this in case others want to do the same and may not know it's an option, like I didn't.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I can't do this break anymore. I took off the signature. Something with my computer class happened yesterday and I don't even know if I can do the class due to issues with libraries and my incompetence when it comes to Windows.

I don't even want to talk about it right now though. I've dry heaved today so much even thinking about it. Even tried to make myself vomit in hopes it would make the sensation go away but I couldn't make myself vomit, I just dry heaved aggressively and hurt my stomach.

If I fail this class or can't take it, I have a feeling the end is near for me. My hopes with this degree are fading as is my hope for a better life. Not just hope but honestly even desire. I don't desire a better life right now, I just desire non-existence. Not exactly death, but non-existence.

There's a girl I'm currently talking to so I don't want to hurt her so I plan on holding off for now though.

Anyways, my break is over and my future is uncertain.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

It seems you're struggling. It also seems you're aware we're going through a rough patch, worldwide. I might add that war is inevitable. At least here, in Europe (5-10 years and rest of Europe will go to war, if not for Putin, then for extremists that will rise to power - this is my take on it); of course, I hope this won't happen. It seems, naturally, that there's no escape, though know that you can get a job with a degree. And even if you don't make it, you can still get a job in IT without a degree (I speak from personal experience having worked for one of the big 4). There are also others who have a degree in linguistics (for example) and still make it into IT. If you want to pursue software engineering, knowing your algorithms, data structures and a programming language can get you in. Especially if you've good soft skills/leadership. I know it can seem hard with LLMs nowadays, but know they can't replace us (yet). They still underperform on complex tasks and have bugs or hallucinate.

I wouldn't give up, I'd still pursue a job no matter the outcome. I don't know your background but you seem a decent person who is integral. Know you can find satisfaction, people and connection irrespective of what job you pursue. Paying your bills, having a roof over your head, eating healthy, sleeping well etc. makes all the difference. And if you're dissatisfied, you can always double down and find a better job. I know people who dropped out and still made it. It's possible in IT. Just work hard on getting the skill set, the soft skills and the leadership and you'll succeed.

For anxiety, would you like me to offer you some advice?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

It seems you're struggling. It also seems you're aware we're going through a rough patch, worldwide. I might add that war is inevitable. At least here, in Europe (5-10 years and rest of Europe will go to war, if not for Putin, then for extremists that will rise to power - this is my take on it); of course, I hope this won't happen. It seems, naturally, that there's no escape, though know that you can get a job with a degree. And even if you don't make it, you can still get a job in IT without a degree (I speak from personal experience having worked for one of the big 4). There are also others who have a degree in linguistics (for example) and still make it into IT. If you want to pursue software engineering, knowing your algorithms, data structures and a programming language can get you in. Especially if you've good soft skills/leadership. I know it can seem hard with LLMs nowadays, but know they can't replace us (yet). They still underperform on complex tasks and have bugs or hallucinate.

I wouldn't give up, I'd still pursue a job no matter the outcome. I don't know your background but you seem a decent person who is integral. Know you can find satisfaction, people and connection irrespective of what job you pursue. Paying your bills, having a roof over your head, eating healthy, sleeping well etc. makes all the difference. And if you're dissatisfied, you can always double down and find a better job. I know people who dropped out and still made it. It's possible in IT. Just work hard on getting the skill set, the soft skills and the leadership and you'll succeed.

For anxiety, would you like me to offer you some advice?

Idek what I want to do anymore. I pursued this degree for a relatively safe, lucrative career rather than a genuine interest, and now I don't know what to do.

I don't want to drop out, I'd rather switch majors before doing that and idk what I would even switch to.

Anyways, I'm uncertain on a lot right now. Just feels like a lot is just crumbling around me.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Idek what I want to do anymore. I pursued this degree for a relatively safe, lucrative career rather than a genuine interest, and now I don't know what to do.

I don't want to drop out, I'd rather switch majors before doing that and idk what I would even switch to.

Anyways, I'm uncertain on a lot right now. Just feels like a lot is just crumbling around me.

It's not too late. It's never too late. You still have many years in front of you. If switching is what you want to pursue, then exposure (and lots of it) is what's going to clear things up. Starting, of course, from knowledge about yourself: what are your strengths? What are the fields that make use of your strengths? Get in touch by networking with people in those fields and ask them what are the pros and what are the cons (keeping in mind they speak out of their experience at that time). Consulting with a career coach might also help. There's a lot of help out there. Even asking chatgpt can give you a combination of information tailored to what you're seeking (of course, I'm NOT advising you to take decisions solely based on chatgpt, but rather to incorporate it into an exhaustive research).

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

It's not too late. It's never too late. You still have many years in front of you. If switching is what you want to pursue, then exposure (and lots of it) is what's going to clear things up. Starting, of course, from knowledge about yourself: what are your strengths? What are the fields that make use of your strengths? Get in touch by networking with people in those fields and ask them what are the pros and what are the cons (keeping in mind they speak out of their experience at that time). Consulting with a career coach might also help. There's a lot of help out there. Even asking chatgpt can give you a combination of information tailored to what you're seeking (of course, I'm NOT advising you to take decisions solely based on chatgpt, but rather to incorporate it into an exhaustive research).

Not sure what I want yet, that's the thing. If I was certain, I wouldn't look back but I'm not. I don't have many people to network with either. Even with family, all of them are in labor, factories, or something similar.

I get what you're getting at though. It doesn't help that my depression is just sapping literally everything out of me. Cried for nearly an hour yesterday because of all of this, and it's what making me suicidal. Feels like the easy way out, so to speak, and like an answer to all of my problems, not just this one.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Not sure what I want yet, that's the thing. If I was certain, I wouldn't look back but I'm not. I don't have many people to network with either. Even with family, all of them are in labor, factories, or something similar.

I get what you're getting at though. It doesn't help that my depression is just sapping literally everything out of me. Cried for nearly an hour yesterday because of all of this, and it's what making me suicidal. Feels like the easy way out, so to speak, and like an answer to all of my problems, not just this one.

In my opinion, if you don't have an incurable illness like me, CTB will be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I come from a very dysfunctional family where I've been hurt most of the times and also didn't experience what a healthy family should provide. If your family is decent (connects with you when they're around, they are healthy and non judgemental and you feel safe with them) my advice is to open up to them about your struggles and see if they can support you getting therapy for your depressive episodes. Medication and/or therapy can help.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

In my opinion, if you don't have an incurable illness like me, CTB will be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I come from a very dysfunctional family where I've been hurt most of the times and also didn't experience what a healthy family should provide. If your family is decent (connects with you when they're around, they are healthy and non judgemental and you feel safe with them) my advice is to open up to them about your struggles and see if they can support you getting therapy for your depressive episodes. Medication and/or therapy can help.

I mean, could be true. I honestly don't know what it illnesses I have, but probably not anything incurable (yet, at least). Without going into too much detail, my family isn't too great with the exception of my mother. Some other family members were good but they've since passed, and a large portion of my family doesn't believe in mental illness. They believe it's excuses.

I see a person already, not exactly therapy but kinda similar. I've not been completely open with my struggles recently though which might be doing me a disservice. Medication also terrifies me due to a bad experience with ADHD meds

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I mean, could be true. I honestly don't know what it illnesses I have, but probably not anything incurable (yet, at least). Without going into too much detail, my family isn't too great with the exception of my mother. Some other family members were good but they've since passed, and a large portion of my family doesn't believe in mental illness. They believe it's excuses.

I see a person already, not exactly therapy but kinda similar. I've not been completely open with my struggles recently though which might be doing me a disservice. Medication also terrifies me due to a bad experience with ADHD meds

I'm not an expert, and, if I were you I'd exhaust all avenues. I'd go to a therapist specialized in ADD/ADHD if I'd fear that's what it's about. If turns out that is not the case, I'd seek out a trauma therapist (specialized in treating trauma) and I'd note that there are many modalities trauma therapists are specialized in (somatic experiencing, emdr, sensorimotor psychotherapy, NARM etc.) which I would have to test and see which one works for me. Usually, though, if you are trauma free, talk therapy with a trauma therapist specialized in any of the aforementioned should be enough. It's that human connection that counts. And, if your family is judgmental then it's not the right family. Ask yourself: what is one safe person you can connect with? A person with whom you feel safe, heard, not judged? One that can actively listen to your struggles without jumping in to fix it, but simply being attentive and asking "would you like an advice?" or "would you like to find a solution together?". Remember, help IS out there and if you can afford, then, OH MY GOSH, I'd definitely try everything. And when trying, I'd try without setting a specific target in mind ("I want to heal in one session"), but rather being curious ("hm, let's see where this leads me") while at the same time having a relaxed vigilance ("is this therapist and/or therapy modality right for me?").

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm not an expert, and, if I were you I'd exhaust all avenues. I'd go to a therapist specialized in ADD/ADHD if I'd fear that's what it's about. If turns out that is not the case, I'd seek out a trauma therapist (specialized in treating trauma) and I'd note that there are many modalities trauma therapists are specialized in (somatic experiencing, emdr, sensorimotor psychotherapy, NARM etc.) which I would have to test and see which one works for me. Usually, though, if you are trauma free, talk therapy with a trauma therapist specialized in any of the aforementioned should be enough. It's that human connection that counts. And, if your family is judgmental then it's not the right family. Ask yourself: what is one safe person you can connect with? A person with whom you feel safe, heard, not judged? One that can actively listen to your struggles without jumping in to fix it, but simply being attentive and asking "would you like an advice?" or "would you like to find a solution together?". Remember, help IS out there and if you can afford, then, OH MY GOSH, I'd definitely try everything. And when trying, I'd try without setting a specific target in mind ("I want to heal in one session"), but rather being curious ("hm, let's see where this leads me") while at the same time having a relaxed vigilance ("is this therapist and/or therapy modality right for me?").

I can't. I am on a very specific insurance and my therapist and one other (both 30 min drives) are the only ones covered by my insurance, which I will also probably lose at 21 unfortunately. My current therapist (not really therapy, more so just someone to talk to but there's not a name for that I don't think) is also a college student (she's an intern) so I like the relatability, and she recently got her therapist license and told me that the option is there if I'd ever like to try it, and I'm considering it. If I do lose insurance but I stay in college, the college I plan on transferring to does have resources for counseling, up to 12 free sessions per academic year.

Thank you for this, I might genuinely try therapy before doing anything rash. I'm feeling a little better today, like there's less of a dark cloud looming over me and maybe a light sprinkling cloud, if that analogy even makes sense? I plan on going out of town tomorrow, going to do something enjoyable, and try to take my mind off things for a little.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I can't. I am on a very specific insurance and my therapist and one other (both 30 min drives) are the only ones covered by my insurance, which I will also probably lose at 21 unfortunately. My current therapist (not really therapy, more so just someone to talk to but there's not a name for that I don't think) is also a college student (she's an intern) so I like the relatability, and she recently got her therapist license and told me that the option is there if I'd ever like to try it, and I'm considering it. If I do lose insurance but I stay in college, the college I plan on transferring to does have resources for counseling, up to 12 free sessions per academic year.

Thank you for this, I might genuinely try therapy before doing anything rash. I'm feeling a little better today, like there's less of a dark cloud looming over me and maybe a light sprinkling cloud, if that analogy even makes sense? I plan on going out of town tomorrow, going to do something enjoyable, and try to take my mind off things for a little.

Oh my gosh! Access to affordable quality therapy is such a fucking pain! I totally understand as I'm on the waiting list to see a state therapist (which most likely won't be a therapist specialized in trauma so I'll only vent to them about daily issues at the homeless shelter, keeping me afloat hopefully for long term). I'm glad you're considering options. And I'm happy for you that you feel better. Sometimes we can't see the blue sky from the dark clouds, though know the blue sky is there and the clouds are always passing. Hope you'll have a great time out of town! My holiday is approaching in November so I'll take a week off to explore places and enjoy some Indian food.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can't do this break anymore. I took off the signature. Something with my computer class happened yesterday and I don't even know if I can do the class due to issues with libraries and my incompetence when it comes to Windows.

I don't even want to talk about it right now though. I've dry heaved today so much even thinking about it. Even tried to make myself vomit in hopes it would make the sensation go away but I couldn't make myself vomit, I just dry heaved aggressively and hurt my stomach.

If I fail this class or can't take it, I have a feeling the end is near for me. My hopes with this degree are fading as is my hope for a better life. Not just hope but honestly even desire. I don't desire a better life right now, I just desire non-existence. Not exactly death, but non-existence.

There's a girl I'm currently talking to so I don't want to hurt her so I plan on holding off for now though.

Anyways, my break is over and my future is uncertain.

Well for one thing try not to stress yourself out over your usage of this site. You have mentioned seldom ambivalent about it and have tried to detach on various occasions but if there are helpful aspects of if it's okay to focus on those.