E
explsionsinthesky
Member
- Jun 30, 2019
- 42
in recent years i realized the way my parents treated me is not normal. i'm too tired to go into detail, to rant about it because it never fixes anything.
but long story short they invalidate me (my ambitions and emotions, including my suicide attempts), they control and judge everything about my life (relationships, career, education, social life), and they humiliate me (taking pictures and videos, calling me names like crazy and insane, while i'm having a breakdown literally begging for them to listen to me and hear me). other things - they violate my privacy and independence by opening my mail, not allowing me to have a separate bank account. they support me financially and physically, very very well. emotionally? never.
i'm 18 and i have constantly been thinking of suicide for the last few years. i met my boyfriend and he changed everything. i saw hope and i felt loved and validated. but my parents got in the way (they are disapproving and have been trying everything to prevent us from being together) and it has put my relationship through really rough patches. my boyfriend is being patient enough with me and wants me to stand up to my parents. i was always afraid to, and my sister ended up giving in and doing everything that they say, never having freedom - but she wants different for me, she wants me to fight. and my boyfriend does as well. my parents have been one of the biggest reasons i tried to and want to kill myself. they drained me to the point i just didn't want to fight anymore. they blurred out the future i wanted to have, pursuing a career of my choice being with the person that i love, and have been trying to make me pursue a career that makes a lot of money with a person who makes a lot of money. they are refusing to let me visit my boyfriend (we're long distance) and see his family, constantly telling me to not even think about having a future like that with him. that i will not be able to live where i want (with him in his country), that i have to stay where they are and be with someone they approve of - someone rich.
i didn't see a way out and i was tired of fighting so i just decided it'd be easier to just fucking give up.
but my boyfriend kept giving me hope. that there is a way out. that i am 18, i literally have freedom legally. i can apply to universities near him, i can stay with him, i can be with him and his family and they will support me. i can take out loans for university (my parents are currently planning on paying for education but if i do anything out of their will i will get disowned), and move in with him once we have enough money to get a place of our own.
i am desperately wanting to do that. i have been trapped. but it hurts so much because i still love my parents. so much, but they have hurt me so much and the worst part is they don't see it, no matter how many times i have tried to show and tell them.
i want to give it another chance, try to escape this with my boyfriend's help. but i am terrified. what if it doesn't work out? what has ever worked out in my life? i have no money. my parents will find out if i get a new bank account under my own name. the amount of control and power they have is overwhelming and unbearable.
i am scared. but i want to give it a chance.
today i heard my boyfriend talk to his friends about me, that he wants to marry me one day. that just pushed me over out of the suicidal zone to maybe there is a possibility zone.
i don't know how it's going to work and i am still tired but i hope my boyfriend continues to encourage me. and i know he will. he is one of a kind.
i can't stop crying. im scared, im scared of thinking that i have a future. it feels different, it feels exhausting knowing i have to fight longer. it'll be difficult, going through a falling out with my parents. i am scared. it felt more relaxing to think about death, think about the easy way out. but i have to fight, for my boyfriend, for that small chance that things will be ok. but i am scared.
im so fucking scared
at least though, if i lose everything. still got sn and/or a rope to resort to
but long story short they invalidate me (my ambitions and emotions, including my suicide attempts), they control and judge everything about my life (relationships, career, education, social life), and they humiliate me (taking pictures and videos, calling me names like crazy and insane, while i'm having a breakdown literally begging for them to listen to me and hear me). other things - they violate my privacy and independence by opening my mail, not allowing me to have a separate bank account. they support me financially and physically, very very well. emotionally? never.
i'm 18 and i have constantly been thinking of suicide for the last few years. i met my boyfriend and he changed everything. i saw hope and i felt loved and validated. but my parents got in the way (they are disapproving and have been trying everything to prevent us from being together) and it has put my relationship through really rough patches. my boyfriend is being patient enough with me and wants me to stand up to my parents. i was always afraid to, and my sister ended up giving in and doing everything that they say, never having freedom - but she wants different for me, she wants me to fight. and my boyfriend does as well. my parents have been one of the biggest reasons i tried to and want to kill myself. they drained me to the point i just didn't want to fight anymore. they blurred out the future i wanted to have, pursuing a career of my choice being with the person that i love, and have been trying to make me pursue a career that makes a lot of money with a person who makes a lot of money. they are refusing to let me visit my boyfriend (we're long distance) and see his family, constantly telling me to not even think about having a future like that with him. that i will not be able to live where i want (with him in his country), that i have to stay where they are and be with someone they approve of - someone rich.
i didn't see a way out and i was tired of fighting so i just decided it'd be easier to just fucking give up.
but my boyfriend kept giving me hope. that there is a way out. that i am 18, i literally have freedom legally. i can apply to universities near him, i can stay with him, i can be with him and his family and they will support me. i can take out loans for university (my parents are currently planning on paying for education but if i do anything out of their will i will get disowned), and move in with him once we have enough money to get a place of our own.
i am desperately wanting to do that. i have been trapped. but it hurts so much because i still love my parents. so much, but they have hurt me so much and the worst part is they don't see it, no matter how many times i have tried to show and tell them.
i want to give it another chance, try to escape this with my boyfriend's help. but i am terrified. what if it doesn't work out? what has ever worked out in my life? i have no money. my parents will find out if i get a new bank account under my own name. the amount of control and power they have is overwhelming and unbearable.
i am scared. but i want to give it a chance.
today i heard my boyfriend talk to his friends about me, that he wants to marry me one day. that just pushed me over out of the suicidal zone to maybe there is a possibility zone.
i don't know how it's going to work and i am still tired but i hope my boyfriend continues to encourage me. and i know he will. he is one of a kind.
i can't stop crying. im scared, im scared of thinking that i have a future. it feels different, it feels exhausting knowing i have to fight longer. it'll be difficult, going through a falling out with my parents. i am scared. it felt more relaxing to think about death, think about the easy way out. but i have to fight, for my boyfriend, for that small chance that things will be ok. but i am scared.
im so fucking scared
at least though, if i lose everything. still got sn and/or a rope to resort to