Venting I think I'm going to CTB soon

[sinbound haibane]

After a horrible, psychotic couple of years where I've lost everyone I used to be close with, I've been hanging on for the last few months only because of one friend. She has three partners and a full-time job so I try to give her space, but it's difficult because she's the only person who's really there for me at all now... Yesterday was my birthday and my ex-boyfriend didn't so much as text me, despite saying he still wanted me in his life... My friend and I watched a movie together, but immediately after she ignored me for most of the rest of the day. We didn't even have a chance to really talk.

I couldn't sleep except intermittently all night and couldn't stop crying. I tried to talk to her seeking comfort this afternoon, but she said I was pressuring her when she didn't have the emotional energy. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but she's right. Our life positions are too different. I'm lonely and she's overwhelmed. She says she cares about me and loves me and that I'm an amazing friend, but now I realize she can't actually be there in the way I need. All I'm going to do by living is hurt her, because I can't hold my feelings in forever and she's too kind to just abandon me completely.

I wish I could be part of her life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could do something other than numb myself every day just so I can struggle to do my jobs that I hate. I wish I could appreciate how much she does for me (she bought me a weighted blanket! she watched a movie with me. she lets me say good morning every day). I wish someone would hold me. I wish I could live longer and experience happiness, but I'm bound by all my bad karma.

I don't know what else there is to do but die. I've ordered my supplies. Encountering some road blocks already but I should be able to take SN within a couple months. I'm still not sure... But I don't know what else to do. I'm 30 and no one loves me and my only friend is basically giving me emotional hospice care.

I'm scared but I can't take it anymore. I wish there was some salvation to be found. I plan on setting up automatic emails to roommate and work people and my mom, scheduled status updates on social media. I'll fast for a couple days, smoke some weed, take some domperidone, and hang out in my room listening to music and lying under my weighted blanket and take the SN and die. Maybe if I'm lucky I will get to do it while my favorite streamer is streaming so I won't feel so alone.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through. i fully understand how you feel about your friends not being able to be there for you and while it's understandable, it doesn't make it any less hurtful or difficult. i followed you so you can PM me. i'm more than happy to listen to you and make your final time here as painless as possible. <3

 

[Umbrellaterm]

Wait, what? She got three sexual partners?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Feels bad man, I am sorry you're in this state

 

[sinbound haibane]

Wait, what? She got three sexual partners?

It's very normal in our culture.

 

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

What's your culture?

 

[sinbound haibane]

What's your culture?

Nice try, FBI. :P

In all seriousness though idk? Autistic trash babies of the English-speaking world?

 

[OminousVaL]

I feel like I am getting closer to my due date as well. Smooth travels and if you need somebody to talk to my PMs are open.

 

[Meditation guide]

Nice try, FBI. :P

In all seriousness though idk? Autistic trash babies of the English-speaking world?

You're a sharp one. I hate to see you desperate due to being so alone. I know how bad it feels but it's not really the end of the world. Of course that's coming from someone who has grown accustomed to it. If it's about your ex, it may not feel like it but I absolutely assure you he isn't worth it. Life is a cold uncaring place for lots of us but you can deal with it.

Or if not, I wish you an easy time of it, whatever that might mean.

 

[sinbound haibane]

She normally says good morning back to me every morning, but not today... Maybe I'm just imagining the worst, but I fear I've been a burden for a long time now. That she's been forcing herself to say hi every morning for my sake. That she doesn't enjoy talking to me every day anymore like she used to... That I've hurt her and our friendship permanently, and now even this last comfort in my life will be gone. I miss her

 

[sinbound haibane]

No one likes to feel obligated to be someone's support system. It's not fair to make her that.
You have to find some strength in yourself, deep down. It's just something to deal with.
I've lost friends who meant a lot to me. It's a terrible feeling. Somehow you have to just go on. Or not, I don't know. I kind of like being alone. But I'm weird.

You seem to have a lot to offer frankly. I don't see why anyone wouldn't want you as a friend companion or whatever.

I know you're right. It's not fair.
I like being alone too kind of. Or, I like it better than being around most people.
But I need a person to be able to function. It's just the way I've always been.
It's still too soon to say. Maybe things will go back to normal between us after some time.

I don't think I can go on though. If I didn't have any obligations and could just spend my days trying to take care of myself I might be able to manage. But I have to work so much just to pay rent, and it's always on the verge of falling out from under me.

 

[LastWhisper]

She normally says good morning back to me every morning, but not today... Maybe I'm just imagining the worst, but I fear I've been a burden for a long time now. That she's been forcing herself to say hi every morning for my sake. That she doesn't enjoy talking to me every day anymore like she used to... That I've hurt her and our friendship permanently, and now even this last comfort in my life will be gone. I miss her

Oh, I can relate, the same thing happened for me recently, I miss a person who was the only positive thing in my life last few months. But yeah, as said above, we can't force people for such things no matter what and blame them when they gone. However I'm trying to imagine my life without that person as it was before, but... I can't?

 

[GravityUtilizer]

I keep messaging my old friend when I'm drunk. She's moved on so much with her life that she lives in another country. It's mostly funny messages I think but there's an obvious sadness underneath it all. It's pretty pathetic, actually, but then again I'm pretty lonely. I keep telling her if it's ever annoying just block me or at least tell me to shut the hell up cos otherwise when I'm drunk, frankly, I'm gonna message.

 

[sinbound haibane]

Oh, I can relate, the same thing happened for me recently, I miss a person who was the only positive thing in my life last few months. But yeah, as said above, we can't force people for such things no matter what and blame them when they gone. However I'm trying to imagine my life without that person as it was before, but... I can't?

I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who hurt her. Heck, I've been in her position before.
That's kind of the scary part. I have an idea of how it feels. I have an idea of where it goes.
It's just the way the world is these days. You can fall off the side, and sometimes, there's no one to catch you.
She caught my hand. She tried to hold on. But I'm not strong enough to pull myself up.
I think it's time for me to just let go.

The only thing I'm scared of now is, I know it's going to hurt her when I CTB.
She really does care about me a lot. She's having plenty of her own troubles in life.
In the note she'll see I want to emphasize that there's nothing more she could've done, and that I appreciate everything she did for me.
I hope she'll be able to pull through with the help of her family.

 

[LastWhisper]

I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who hurt her. Heck, I've been in her position before.
That's kind of the scary part. I have an idea of how it feels. I have an idea of where it goes.
It's just the way the world is these days. You can fall off the side, and sometimes, there's no one to catch you.
She caught my hand. She tried to hold on. But I'm not strong enough to pull myself up.
I think it's time for me to just let go.

The only thing I'm scared of now is, I know it's going to hurt her when I CTB.
She really does care about me a lot. She's having plenty of her own troubles in life.
In the note she'll see I want to emphasize that there's nothing more she could've done, and that I appreciate everything she did for me.
I hope she'll be able to pull through with the help of her family.

I'm not saying you blame her, I meant overall. I totally relate to all your words, it's almost the same for me. Mistakes were made. My ctb will also hurt that my friend, because we are still care for each other, but it seems it makes no sense anymore. I still can keep it as it is, but should I really do? I don't know. I would like to do as best as I can, but every time it gets only worse.