Venting i think im fundamentally unloveable

[threevoices]

ive felt this way for a long time but its starting to hit me all at once recently. almost all of my loved ones for my whole life either were using me or just simply didnt care about me, and disposed of me when i was no longer palatable to them.

i only have one friend who makes an effort to reach out to me, and even then i end up reaching out to him more than he reaches out to me. i do participate in social stuff at my school, and im always trying to engage with others more, but no one really cares enough about me to actually want to talk to me specifically. anytime i try to engage with others online, more often than not i end up being ignored and outcast by everyone. i feel disgusting and evil. i feel like theres something wrong with me that everyone except me notices.

i just want to be loved. i want to matter to someone. i want to be the most important something to someone. friend, lover, i dont care. i am tired of there always being someone more important than me to the people who are most important to me. i am tired of being so easy to replace. i am tired of not mattering as soon as the conversation ends.

ive run through everyone know in my mind, and none of them would really care all that much if i died, hell some might even be relieved or happy. the only person i think might care is my one friend, but honestly he would be fine after maybe a week. i doubt he would even show to my funeral, honestly. i doubt anyone would honestly except for family who only showed up out of feelings of obligation.

i would ctb now but i still have obligations i need to fulfill and i would feel guilty for leaving people waiting on something thatll never happen.

 

[suicidalthoughts]

I can be your new friend

 

[777cave]

I'm sorry, sounds really rough.

 

[Haematemesis]

i understand rationalizing your emotions and biological needs doesn't always help but i will do my best to explain hoping it gives some kind of a relief

we are a highly social species. we can not survive on our own or even in little groups. this is why we crave sociality and connection. love is a type of it alongside trust, cooperation etc.

naturally people who were unable to connect with other people would die or at least wouldn't be able to reproduce but this is not the case because we provide basic survival abilities even without sociality. if you have a job you can live a somewhat mediocre life even without sociality

but our brains didn't just get rid of the pain that lack of sociality and love causes. this type of pain and strong desire to socialize would help you survive and reproduce even if hurts but now it is just a burden. think about it, you could live a successful life without the pain of these emotions because you wouldn't be able to feel and understand them to begin with

i think this is the problem. it is not our fault, it is a by-product of the society's rapid change in contrast to the slower evolution of our brains

I don't know if I'm right or wrong but i felt a need to share this, i hope this helps.

 

[Require_love]

I feel the same sometimes too. I'd love to meet you though, and be acquainted.

 

[Alias Pluto]

"Not mattering as soon as the conversation ends." I feel that and it makes me not pursue friendships anymore

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I felt that way for a long time, it hurts beyond words, sometimes I feel like that again. I'm dead inside now and don't care anymore. But I hear you.

 

[deep-sleeper]

I've felt this for my whole life. I only get friends because they pity me

 

[fedup1982]

If I can find live anyone can. I'm physically ugly, mentally ugly, and have an unattractive personality. I have never really worked either. Yet I'm in a loving relationship of over 10 years

 

[Pale_Rider]

Me too. Way to damaged. F#*ked in the head instead.

 

[Nightfoot]

I don't think anyone is fundamentally unlovable. I think it's easier to believe you are when you don't love or accept yourself and that can cause you to act in ways that strengthen that belief, like a self fulfilling prophecy until you break that loop and love yourself.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

It's better that way than have the so called friends who will be mocking and chatting so much shit about you behind your back and even referring to you as animals and also that they will have fake alliances and what not and throw each other under the bus at any given chance. I know some people will so desperate for anything and acceptance that they will do anything for those who mock them throw insults at them behind theirs back comparing them to sub humans - would you want to have friends like that??? There are people out there who are so desperate for friendship that they will do anything to keep them even when they get insulted and degrading and dehumanising things are said about them are said and they have to try and cover it up all in the name of saving "face" I know of someone who is like this too well. I used to wonder why the moment he leaves the room his "friend" would talk shit about him borrowing money and never returning it and asking me where I met him and how I knew him . Friends yeah right .

Virus virus virus , as they were called.

Have a good day.

 

[Pluto]