Venting I think I'm done

[socrates]

I'm just so tired. I'm looking at a bunch of expensive dental treatments that I don't want to do. And I don't have anything to live for. Sure I have a dream, but the chanced of it happening are slim to none, and I don't even know if It's what's best for me. I have guilt and regret up to my eye balls. I have severe anxiety and depression with mild agoraphobia. No job, no car can't drive. I'm 25 and I see where my life is going and I don't like it. The writing is on the wall and I don't like it. And then I just hate humanity. If you go online for help people will sell you all kinds of false hope. WTF is wrong with these people! People are suffering and all you see is dollar signs. It's in all parts of life. And in my eyes traditional medicine and alternative medicine are all the same. There just out make money, fuck their patients! Fuck ethics.

As much as I want to CTB, I have a hard time believing I could pull it off. It may seemed messed up, but I kinda wish I had a friend like Conrad Roy. She was a monster, but I fear with out a push I won't do it. If I don't do it soon I might not be able to do it ever. I'm thinking about using the Nitrogen exit bag. It looks like I can get everything I need online and I have some money stored up, but like I said I don't have much time. Part of me thinks I'm over reacting, but the rest of me just can't go on.

Then of-course you have fear of death. I think I want to be reincarnated and join my bigger self. Only problem with that is what if you get a shittier life in the next one. If death is final then life is just a mean prank, and I'm glad I didn't bring anyone else into this hell scape we call earth.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I'm just so tired. I'm looking at a bunch of expensive dental treatments that I don't want to do. And I don't have anything to live for. Sure I have a dream, but the chanced of it happening are slim to none, and I don't even know if It's what's best for me. I have guilt and regret up to my eye balls. I have severe anxiety and depression with mild agoraphobia. No job, no car can't drive. I'm 25 and I see where my life is going and I don't like it. The writing is on the wall and I don't like it. And then I just hate humanity. If you go online for help people will sell you all kinds of false hope. WTF is wrong with these people! People are suffering and all you see is dollar signs. It's in all parts of life. And in my eyes traditional medicine and alternative medicine are all the same. There just out make money, fuck their patients! Fuck ethics.

As much as I want to CTB,. It may seemed messed up, but I kinda wish I had a friend like Conrad Roy. She was a monster, but I fear with out a push I won't do it. If I don't do it soon I might not be able to do it ever. I'm thinking about using the Nitrogen exit bag. It looks like I can get everything I need online and I have some money stored up, but like I said I don't have much time. Part of me thinks I'm over reacting, but the rest of me just can't go on.

Then of-course you have fear of death. I think I want to be reincarnated and join my bigger self. Only problem with that is what if you get a shittier life in the next one. If death is final then life is just a mean prank, and I'm glad I didn't bring anyone else into this hell scape we call earth.

Sure I have a dream
I have a hard time believing I could pull it off
with out a push I won't do it
Part of me thinks I'm over reacting
what if you get a shittier life in the next one

I think you are going through a very tough time right now, but based on the extracts above from your post, I don't think you are ready to ctb.
I mean, I don't think you've totally lost hope, and it seems to me that things could improve for you.
You may find something new to live for, find a new interest, and you can always try to learn to drive.
I know what you are saying about medicine and therapists etc. It's all about money and medication, and they really don't care about people who are suffering.
Why do you say you don't have much time? Could you not give yourself a year and see if things have improved a bit then? ctb can always wait can't it?

 

[socrates]

Sure I have a dream
I have a hard time believing I could pull it off
with out a push I won't do it
Part of me thinks I'm over reacting
what if you get a shittier life in the next one

I think you are going through a very tough time right now, but based on the extracts above from your post, I don't think you are ready to ctb.
I mean, I don't think you've totally lost hope, and it seems to me that things could improve for you.
You may find something new to live for, find a new interest, and you can always try to learn to drive.
I know what you are saying about medicine and therapists etc. It's all about money and medication, and they really don't care about people who are suffering.
Why do you say you don't have much time? Could you not give yourself a year and see if things have improved a bit then? ctb can always wait can't it?

Like I said I could be overreacting, but when ever I look into the future all I see is pain. I'd like to think there is hope, but I can't see any. As far as a time limit is concerned, rn I have an address I can have things shipped to, an internet connection, and a little bit of money in the bank. The way I see it the only way for a peaceful CTB would be to have those 3 things, and I don't know if I will have them in a years time. Sure I don't have solid proof that would happen, but I'd rather buy the supplies i need now and have a miracle happen and not need them then have to rush things bc I will loose those essential things. Or worse yet have to use a more dangerous CTB method. Like jumping off a bridge for example.