I think I'm Desensitized To Suicide

[socrates]

I still feel a great deal of compassion for people with suicide. I'd rather people not catch the bus, but I've been wanting to kill myself almost everyday for 9 years. Suicide is almost always in the back of my mind. I always have a method and I always have a plan.

When I here other people talk about suicide they take it so seriously. When someone says they are feeling suicidal it's like a big reveal, but for me it's more like "SAAAAAMME" (how you gonna do it? SN, NICE) I don't say that, but I feel that way. Suicide is just my normal.

I think this is a good window into how screwed up my mental health is.

 

[Slark]

I feel the same way. In fact, I feel apathetic to practically everything. I recently read the book "The Stranger" and I identified a lot with the main character. At the end of the book I cried because of my own misery.

 

[TheHolySword]

I like that it's kinda normalized here. I still feel a little sad that everyone is suffering so much but getting to talk about it like it's just a standard every day convo is very reaffirming.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I feel the same way. In fact, I feel apathetic to practically everything. I recently read the book "The Stranger" and I identified a lot with the main character. At the end of the book I cried because of my own misery.

I remember when I first read the book I was a bit confused by his apathy... but on a reread everything just clicked, even though I lean on being way to sensitive most of the time

 

[Slark]

I remember when I first read the book I was a bit confused by his apathy... but on a reread everything just clicked, even though I lean on being way to sensitive most of the time

It's a great book. Camus (the author of the book) said that the only really important philosophical problem is that of suicide. Deciding whether or not to kill yourself is the answer to whether or not life is worth living. Unfortunately I'm almost at the same stage of Apathy as the character in the book, I don't think I'll ever feel like I used to again.

 

[macabre.]

I still feel a great deal of compassion for people with suicide. I'd rather people not catch the bus, but I've been wanting to kill myself almost everyday for 9 years. Suicide is almost always in the back of my mind. I always have a method and I always have a plan.

When I here other people talk about suicide they take it so seriously. When someone says they are feeling suicidal it's like a big reveal, but for me it's more like "SAAAAAMME" (how you gonna do it? SN, NICE) I don't say that, but I feel that way. Suicide is just my normal.

I think this is a good window into how screwed up my mental health is.

This is funny to me because I'm probably at the other end of the spectrum. I'm very empathetic and it kills me when others feel suicidal as well

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

It's a great book. Camus (the author of the book) said that the only really important philosophical problem is that of suicide. Deciding whether or not to kill yourself is the answer to whether or not life is worth living. Unfortunately I'm almost at the same stage of Apathy as the character in the book, I don't think I'll ever feel like I used to again.

I've also read The Myth of Sisyphus by the same author (which maybe you'll enjoy as well), really interesting stuff overall. I think the days prior I actually ctb I'll share the emptiness- the moments where I most want to is when I couldn't care for any material thing in the world. I hope you find your happiness.

This is funny to me because I'm probably at the other end of the spectrum. I'm very empathetic and it kills me when others feel suicidal as well

Me too- I try not to get attached to the reoccurring profiles here because I know how it'll go. The first person that really got me to go from a lurker to a poster is going to ctb soon and that makes me really sad. I just feel incredible pain that I can't help these people but, I myself also don't want to be saved.

 

[Slark]

I've also read The Myth of Sisyphus by the same author (which maybe you'll enjoy as well), really interesting stuff overall. I think the days prior I actually ctb I'll share the emptiness- the moments where I most want to is when I couldn't care for any material thing in the world. I hope you find your happiness.

Me too- I try not to get attached to the reoccurring profiles here because I know how it'll go. The first person that really got me to go from a lurker to a poster is going to ctb soon and that makes me really sad. I just feel incredible pain that I can't help these people but, I myself also don't want to be saved.

There have been a few suicide cases here that have made me sad too. It's strange, because like the character in the book, it's not that I don't feel things completely, but it's like I'm always in a stupor. There was one specific case where I talked to the person right up until the moment he threw himself off a bridge. If you saw me from the outside, it would seem like I didn't feel anything, but deep down I didn't want him to jump, but it seems like I'm always in a state of shock.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

Same, I am so desensitized to suicide that ctb just feels like buying a ticket to go somewhere. I imagine that in the past death was acceptable by society because it happened so much for so many reasons, nowadays not so much due to medical advances society fears death, the majority thinks that any ailment is fixable.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Most people are programmed to want to stay alive at all costs. I've been suicidal on and off for 30+ years. I have mixed emotions. I feel happy(and a bit jealous) when I read someone was successful with cbt because I know how much pain they must have been in. But I'm also sad they felt cbt was their only option.

 

[StrawberryRed]

I think the same too! I remeber the first time I had a suicidal thought I was in such shock that I would ever think smthn lik that. I downloaded a random therapy app like immediately to get help LMAO. Now I think about it daily very passively and dont even think about it twice. It kinda occured to me when I joked to a friend I was going to kms and she looked appalled and asked me to " Please please, dont". Made me realize I wasn't taking it as seriously as I used to.

 

[brickedup]

bro this is literally me heavy on the big reveal too i js be like 'samee' in my head cause i js be thinking of the same shit 24/7. having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis does things to u

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I also don't really get affected much by the thought of suicide or seeing other people talk about being suicidal. I just see it as a valid choice to bring the inevitable much closer since, after all, we are all going to die regardless. I do think it's unfortunate that many people have to resort to brutal, painful methods just to even have a chance to die and are refused to have access to a dignified and guaranteed death but their desire for killing themselves is still valid

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think from quite early on (childhood,) I could always understand why a person would want to kill themselves. I remember in the first references to it in film or TV, I thought- fair enough. Maybe that is messed up. I don't know really.

I suppose, most of the time they were suffering in some way so- it made sense- who wants to suffer? I think I probably learnt early on that some problems are unsolvable also. Lots of close family members died in my early childhood. It was obvious they weren't coming back and I only had the potential to lose more. Plus, I saw relatives suffering with illness that seemed to have no cure. I think I'd worked out life could be shit from an early age!

 

[Schmopo]

I've become so numb (heh) and blase to the point that I make it sound as such an casual everyday conversation while everyone around are very concerned.

"How was your day?"
"Ah yeh I tried killing myself because life is shit and yaddie yadda, you've heard it all before and all the usual tropes. Clearly failed but oh well. How was yours?"

But when it comes to other people attempting then I'm just like anyone else. As much as I don't want to, I value others far more than I do myself.

 

[lawlietsph]

I feel the same way. When somebody is catching the bus, all the people are like WOOOOW WHAAAAAAAT WE NEVER KNEW HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE NO WAY WHAAAAAT
And i'm just like... good for him/her. I wish I had the balls to do it.
I do get sad and emotional whenever I see a goodbye thread here, most of the time they make me cry but not because i'm like OMG NO DON'T DO IT
mostly because it's so sad to see how many amazing, caring and sensitive people are suffering and they don't have any other choice but to go - because this life, this world truly is unbearable. What makes me sad is the fact that we just don't have a place on this planet and there's not really any cure for awakening and realizing how pointless everything is.
My sister and I, we are extremely suicidal basically from the moment we were born. We used to get scared for each others lives, but not anymore. Now when she tells me "I really want to die" I just say "yeah, me too" and we go on with the day, we continue to suffer in silence. We don't feel anything anymore.
Would I be sad to see her die? Absolutely.
Would I be surprised and shocked? No.

Suicide becomes a part of our personality I think. And you don't even have patience for those people anymore who's still considering it as a baaaad thing and OMG DON'T DO IT THERE'S SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR
eh, shut the fuck up. life is the most meaningless shit ever.

 

[socrates]

Most people are programmed to want to stay alive at all costs. I've been suicidal on and off for 30+ years. I have mixed emotions. I feel happy(and a bit jealous) when I read someone was successful with cbt because I know how much pain they must have been in. But I'm also sad they felt cbt was their only option.

30 years a is along time to suffer. I agree, CTB is such a mix of emotions.