Venting I think I'm becoming a nihilist

[ApparentlyNot]

I find myself often sounding like someone I'd, at other points in my life, have written off as a teenage edge lord. I found philosophical pessimism, nihilism, efilism, and adjacent schools of thought to be somewhat unworthy of consideration. My struggles in the mental health department became palpable and manifested in full by 14, but I still maintained a certain level of what I now see as denial regarding the absolutely desolate nature of living. I despise human nature in all its facets. I despise hunger and pain and aging. I despise having desires and experiencing an endless cycle of soothing irritations and ailments. I despise working and being a wage slave. I despise having a body. I despise having a psychological reliance on our malformed uncanny society. I feel it. I feel how much I hate everything all the time. It feels like shit. I spent so long in denial. I wanted to be something different. I wanted to be a source of something good. I wanted to feel something other than rigidity. I wanted to feel love and to provide it. I wanted to find a sense of purpose and meaning so badly. But it's gone. The fact that I sought it so earnestly was a symptom of the problem. I feel nothing good ever. I feel nothing but disgust and fear and abhorrence for life and the thought of reproducing. I just want to die. I hope I can do it I am so fucking terrified I won't be able to.

I read this quote by Emil Cioran the other day:

"When you no longer agree with the world, neither in thought nor in heart, run and don't stop, so that the rhythm of the steps surrounds you and makes you forget that nature is made of tears. Otherwise you will be a suicide gardener again."

I can't hear the steps anymore. I think I stopped running entirely. I hear nothing but silence and I feel the weight of this existence for what it is. It is garbage. And I, to my utter dismay, do not believe this to be a bad faith perspective.

 

[Innereye]

Well written. I sympathize.