Venting I think im an undiagnosed autistic and it ruins every aspect of my life

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I have a hard time keeping friends irl because of how awkward I come off, I'm really gullible and I talk a lot when people talk about my interests.

Everyday I look at neurotypicals and I wonder what my life could've been if my development wasn't stunted from abuse and neglect. I'm not extroverted on the slightest and masking it is hard, like extremely hard, I don't think I've ever masked that well I think I'm just who I was from the start.

I've kept saying I was gonna take my own life, and I will. I'm still going to wait this out. Having money after a long time being broke feels nice, but to have no one to really hang out with, talk to, laugh with, literally what's the point in living anymore.

I don't think my death will be that much of a big deal tho. I'm not close with anyone i talk to in my life, and I think I'm going to keep it that way. It's been that way for a really long time. People getting too close has only ended in disaster. I feel like a mistake that needs to be erased.

I need to be erased.

 

[todienomore]

There are many potential treatments for autism on the horizon but your dr doesnt know about them. For example theres a lot of research saying its linked to the gut. If you dig you might be surprised.

Its painful to be self conscious about how you socialize but its something you can change if you want.

There are alot of people in the world, no one is accepted by the vast majority of other people, you have to just accept some social failure, that you wont fit in everywhere and thats normal. Other people arent gonna remember the embarrassing things you did, its really only you.

 

[fwompie]

There are many potential treatments for autism on the horizon but your dr doesnt know about them. For example theres a lot of research saying its linked to the gut. If you dig you might be surprised.

Its painful to be self conscious about how you socialize but its something you can change if you want.

There are alot of people in the world, no one is accepted by the vast majority of other people, you have to just accept some social failure, that you wont fit in everywhere and thats normal. Other people arent gonna remember the embarrassing things you did, its really only you.

OP clearly stated it might have to do with abuse and neglect. Get outta here with that "gut" theory.

And OP: as a fellow person who somewhat suspects they might be autistic, it's really hard to figure out yourself whether your symptoms are from neglect and abuse or actual autism. Do you have the possibility to talk to a professional about it?

You might either be able to get help for your trauma or to get accommodations and tips for potential autism.

I'm in the same boat right now, my counselor says it's either autism or trauma and mental illness that gives me autism-like symptoms. The unclarity is hell but it can be something to work towards. If you wanna talk about your interests to someone I'm open to listen :)

I'm not gonna say it'll make your suicidal ideation go away, I'm suicidal every day, but maybe it'll open some possibilities.

 

[dialogos]

OP clearly stated it might have to do with abuse and neglect. Get outta here with that "gut" theory.

And OP: as a fellow person who somewhat suspects they might be autistic, it's really hard to figure out yourself whether your symptoms are from neglect and abuse or actual autism. Do you have the possibility to talk to a professional about it?

You might either be able to get help for your trauma or to get accommodations and tips for potential autism.

I'm in the same boat right now, my counselor says it's either autism or trauma and mental illness that gives me autism-like symptoms. The unclarity is hell but it can be something to work towards. If you wanna talk about your interests to someone I'm open to listen :)

I'm not gonna say it'll make your suicidal ideation go away, I'm suicidal every day, but maybe it'll open some possibilities.

He didn't deserve your hostility. There was nothing wrong with what he said. There was no trace of disrespect, no trace of disregarding the TS predicament. There was only concern and information.
Not everything has to be a battle

 

[platypusfan]

Im sorry you feel like a mistake, but I understand that feeling. I also believe I'm an undiagnosed autistic but i haven't done anything about it besides research it myself and if you do not have access to a professional you should maybe do the same. I like to especially research socializing and learn all the tips i can since this world is made for extroverts and not introverts.. but i think there are ways around it. I hope you can find a way to deal with this.

 

[fwompie]

He didn't deserve your hostility. There was nothing wrong with what he said. There was no trace of disrespect, no trace of disregarding the TS predicament. There was only concern and information.
Not everything has to be a battle

It's misinformation, I can't stand that. I perpetuates that people who are autistic can do something about the cause of it, which they can't. It's ableist. Autism is a developmental disorder, it's not in your gut.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

OP clearly stated it might have to do with abuse and neglect. Get outta here with that "gut" theory.

And OP: as a fellow person who somewhat suspects they might be autistic, it's really hard to figure out yourself whether your symptoms are from neglect and abuse or actual autism. Do you have the possibility to talk to a professional about it?

You might either be able to get help for your trauma or to get accommodations and tips for potential autism.

I'm in the same boat right now, my counselor says it's either autism or trauma and mental illness that gives me autism-like symptoms. The unclarity is hell but it can be something to work towards. If you wanna talk about your interests to someone I'm open to listen :)

I'm not gonna say it'll make your suicidal ideation go away, I'm suicidal every day, but maybe it'll open some possibilities.

Yeah like I'm trying really hard to find a doctor to take my case seriously. I was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD a few years back and now I want to know that if I have autism. I've been doing research about it on and off and I tried talking it out with a psychologist but they dismissed it. It made me so depressed but I've yet to lose hope, it's just that a lot of the doctors in my area are awful.

Like I've been trying to find a doctor to take what I said seriously for years now, and they all tell me the same thing, that nothing wrong with you, and then give me the wrong medication for my symptoms (antidepressants when I need an anti-psychotic/ADHD meds)

But thank u for the kind words. Really need it during a time like this

Im sorry you feel like a mistake, but I understand that feeling. I also believe I'm an undiagnosed autistic but i haven't done anything about it besides research it myself and if you do not have access to a professional you should maybe do the same. I like to especially research socializing and learn all the tips i can since this world is made for extroverts and not introverts.. but i think there are ways around it. I hope you can find a way to deal with this.

Thank you. You too. I've been keeping a lot of resources about socializing but I've been getting rusty on it. Like for one day I would be able to talk a lot but after that I'll be drained for the rest of the week. It's so hard to make a mask especially since the pandemic. I hope after things slow down I can rest up and read back on them