Help I think I'm about to fall apart

[Done_Surviving]

Why am I like this? I'm trying to recover. I swear to whatever god listens to me, I'm trying to get better. I'm making my affirmations, I'm writing down my goals and my successes, I'm going to therapy, I'm taking all my meds, I'm trying to follow a schedule. Then why? Lord why?! Just a few weeks after I started to follow the new schedule, my body began to fall apart again, I began to feel sick. I began to fucking piss every 2 min, and my bladder and my kidneys hurt like hell, I already have a chronic disease that gave me an overactive bladder, but it has never been this bad. My fatigue doubled, I spent two whole days asleep and did abso-fucking-lutly nothing. And now I'm so fucking tired, I have so much stuff to do, but I feel so fucking tired. They already did tests on me again, but I came out completely normal, why does my body do this to me? Why does it trick me like this? I can't keep repeating the same song anymore! I've never been so goddam tired in my entire life. Why won't my body and my mind stop torturing me and themselves and just get sick for real?! It's obvious that I don't want to get better! ate least not on a subconscious level, nor on a cellular level. Because I keep boycotting myself and sabotaging myself, and making excuses like "It's fine Rome wasn't built in a day". I thought that I could just be able to get used to my tiredness and the pain. But I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. I feel like I'm falling apart, and the worst part is that it's not true, it's just my brain punishing me for existing. I feel sick, and tired, and paranoid, I think I'm about to get worse, one way or another. But everyone around me keeps saying that I just need to keep trying, and forget about my made-up illnesses and do the shit I gotta do. Just like that, just do it. I'm sure I'm gonna kill Nike's CEO or whoever came up with that phrase, or at least I'll haunt them when I die. I just can't I just can't just do it and I'm tired of people saying it to me as if it was the answer to all my problems! IDK if I can keep up with the recovery, IDK if I will feel better tomorrow, IDK if this is my mind just fucking with me again, IDK if all of this is because I'm about to have my period, or I don't know if this is the time where the other shoe drops and my body finally says that it wants to stay clinging on to depression in a dangerous way, by giving me a tumor or making me schizophrenic (I'm legit paranoid of being in the prodromal phase, that as well as sort of seeing and hearing shit I'm not sure are all real). IDK, if I want to keep trying or throw the towel and sell my soul for some Nembutal... I just don't know anything anymore, I don't trust in myself, or anyone, or anything around me. Everyone says they want to help me, and I've tried everything, but nothing fucking works.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Recovery is never easy, no matter how much the individual wants it. I hope that you can find relief from pain and find peace.