I don't actually want to die, I more want to hurt my body so badly so I can get rid o fthe hurt that's in my heart. This is my kinda-maybe-not-so-much-of-a-suicide-note.
I know it's really stupid to write this right now. I recently watched 13 reasons why, and I think that's one of the reasons I'm writing this. I don't plan to die, honestly. I really just want to feel pain because everything hurts again. I wish *** hadn't told me about the people getting the scholarships. But at the end of the day, I can't blame her because I would have found out that I didn't get it anyways. I don't know what would be worse, that the both of us didn't get it or that I'm sorta happy that she also didn't get it because then that would add to my already overflowing insecurity complex. I'm really tired of everything. I always tell ****** that and he always understands. And I know he does, I really just wish he was here. And that's a rather silly wish in my opinion because it's not his fault that we're not in the same place.
Do I think I'll die? I don't know. And I really hope not.
Am I going to do it anyways? Probably tbh.
How, you might ask. Simple answer. Get to Londis tomorrow, use out of the money from next month to buy some paracetamol pills. Don't eat anything all day. Take that after the meeting with the fam that evening. Call 999, tell em you did something stupid and it hurts. Give ******'s snap/number to the girls so that they could text/call him and tell him not to worry that I'll be fine.
Survive.
That's it. That's all. I'm going to take enough to scare someone, but not enough to kill me. I think 24 was good, but I reckon my body would probably be used to that. So as many as I can get. I don't know what's going to happen. But if anything does happen, I hope everyone of you forgives me. I really have no motive to do this. Nich. None.
I hope I can look ***** in the eye after this, and **** and ********* and ***** and **** and *** and even the girls, no matter how far I'm drifting from them now.
I would also like to say, to the girls. You guys didn't hurt me, I'm just an asshole. I feel shit I'm not supposed to and I hate it when I'm a third wheel which I've been since forever, and I thought I'd found my tribe, but nah. You guys had found each other and I always kinda felt like I was just intruding. Just like back home. Just like the other guys that I'd known. So I've decided to withdraw and wash my hands because my mother taught me when to step back and when to know that I've done more than enough. I don't want to be an intruder, sure I'll talk to you but I won't go out of my way, just like I've been doing for the past 4+ months. I hope y'all live a good life. And
Goodbye for now, world.
After writing this, I feel nothing, seeing them walking past me and ignore me just stings but feels normal. It's okay, they were fated to be from the beginning, I was just pushing myself in between and I'm done with that.
I know it's really stupid to write this right now. I recently watched 13 reasons why, and I think that's one of the reasons I'm writing this. I don't plan to die, honestly. I really just want to feel pain because everything hurts again. I wish *** hadn't told me about the people getting the scholarships. But at the end of the day, I can't blame her because I would have found out that I didn't get it anyways. I don't know what would be worse, that the both of us didn't get it or that I'm sorta happy that she also didn't get it because then that would add to my already overflowing insecurity complex. I'm really tired of everything. I always tell ****** that and he always understands. And I know he does, I really just wish he was here. And that's a rather silly wish in my opinion because it's not his fault that we're not in the same place.
Do I think I'll die? I don't know. And I really hope not.
Am I going to do it anyways? Probably tbh.
How, you might ask. Simple answer. Get to Londis tomorrow, use out of the money from next month to buy some paracetamol pills. Don't eat anything all day. Take that after the meeting with the fam that evening. Call 999, tell em you did something stupid and it hurts. Give ******'s snap/number to the girls so that they could text/call him and tell him not to worry that I'll be fine.
Survive.
That's it. That's all. I'm going to take enough to scare someone, but not enough to kill me. I think 24 was good, but I reckon my body would probably be used to that. So as many as I can get. I don't know what's going to happen. But if anything does happen, I hope everyone of you forgives me. I really have no motive to do this. Nich. None.
I hope I can look ***** in the eye after this, and **** and ********* and ***** and **** and *** and even the girls, no matter how far I'm drifting from them now.
I would also like to say, to the girls. You guys didn't hurt me, I'm just an asshole. I feel shit I'm not supposed to and I hate it when I'm a third wheel which I've been since forever, and I thought I'd found my tribe, but nah. You guys had found each other and I always kinda felt like I was just intruding. Just like back home. Just like the other guys that I'd known. So I've decided to withdraw and wash my hands because my mother taught me when to step back and when to know that I've done more than enough. I don't want to be an intruder, sure I'll talk to you but I won't go out of my way, just like I've been doing for the past 4+ months. I hope y'all live a good life. And
Goodbye for now, world.
After writing this, I feel nothing, seeing them walking past me and ignore me just stings but feels normal. It's okay, they were fated to be from the beginning, I was just pushing myself in between and I'm done with that.
