M
MountainMan99
Member
- Jul 5, 2024
- 19
Hello everyone, so i have been suicidal for a while, because of some life problems and also depression, and i have been passing most days for almost 2 years now, with suicidal thoughts almost daily, and i even bought SN if i decided to do it someday, just in case the sources stop existing.
But lately, i have been debating myself whether suicide is worth it or not for me, because see, i am still young (21 years old) i am not debilitated in any kind of way, and even though life has been hard, i know there is people in here who have got it way harder than me.
I started to think, that death will eventually come to me someday, and even if i have to way 40/50 years, that is nothing compared to the amount of time that some trees, for example, have been on earth.
It will pass quickly if i don't worry about it, but the thing is, if i end it all now, i will be simply cutting my life short, because i know that if i stay alive, there is some possibility that things will get better and i might achieve my goals in life.
I have had good moments in life, before i started to feel depressed like i am now, and suicide frightens me in a way, because it's something that once done, there is no going back.
I mean, maybe suicide could bring me eternal peace, but how can i be sure? If i am dead, and after death there isn't anything, no afterlife, no existence, how can i even experience that eternal peace, that joy that comes from peace? I can't because i will be dead, right?
So it makes me wonder if it's not better to stick around and push through these hard moments, and i might actually turn my life around and make it slightly better at least, and when i die, i might die happy... if i die now, i will probably die sad, tbh..
But what makes me overthink, is that my depressed mind, starts having suicidal and negative thoughts, when i try to recover or try to get out of this state, i start thinking things like "Well, if i kill myself, i won't have to go through the pain of losing loved ones..."
And well that makes me think, it would indeed be easier if i just quit going through this pain, and give up.
Btw, i am not saying that suicide is giving up in most cases, but in mine, that's kind of how i feel about it.
And i know it will be hard at first, when my mind almost completely fused with the idea that i will die by suicide, multiple times i thought to myself that this is how i would die, that this is my destiny.
And so it feels weird and wrong to be trying to pull myself out of that thinking.
But i feel like i would regret my decision if i CTB'ed by the last minute like her in that thread.
I don't know, i think suicide must be something you do, when you have 0 doubts in your heart, that there is no other way, and that's the right decision to take.
Is anybody in here that once was truly suicidal and was chose to recover and got better? Or any thread like that, that you guys know of? It would be really encoraging and motivational to see something like that.
Can anyone help me make a decision? Or guide me at least? Thank you..
But lately, i have been debating myself whether suicide is worth it or not for me, because see, i am still young (21 years old) i am not debilitated in any kind of way, and even though life has been hard, i know there is people in here who have got it way harder than me.
I started to think, that death will eventually come to me someday, and even if i have to way 40/50 years, that is nothing compared to the amount of time that some trees, for example, have been on earth.
It will pass quickly if i don't worry about it, but the thing is, if i end it all now, i will be simply cutting my life short, because i know that if i stay alive, there is some possibility that things will get better and i might achieve my goals in life.
I have had good moments in life, before i started to feel depressed like i am now, and suicide frightens me in a way, because it's something that once done, there is no going back.
I mean, maybe suicide could bring me eternal peace, but how can i be sure? If i am dead, and after death there isn't anything, no afterlife, no existence, how can i even experience that eternal peace, that joy that comes from peace? I can't because i will be dead, right?
So it makes me wonder if it's not better to stick around and push through these hard moments, and i might actually turn my life around and make it slightly better at least, and when i die, i might die happy... if i die now, i will probably die sad, tbh..
But what makes me overthink, is that my depressed mind, starts having suicidal and negative thoughts, when i try to recover or try to get out of this state, i start thinking things like "Well, if i kill myself, i won't have to go through the pain of losing loved ones..."
And well that makes me think, it would indeed be easier if i just quit going through this pain, and give up.
Btw, i am not saying that suicide is giving up in most cases, but in mine, that's kind of how i feel about it.
And i know it will be hard at first, when my mind almost completely fused with the idea that i will die by suicide, multiple times i thought to myself that this is how i would die, that this is my destiny.
And so it feels weird and wrong to be trying to pull myself out of that thinking.
But i feel like i would regret my decision if i CTB'ed by the last minute like her in that thread.
I don't know, i think suicide must be something you do, when you have 0 doubts in your heart, that there is no other way, and that's the right decision to take.
Is anybody in here that once was truly suicidal and was chose to recover and got better? Or any thread like that, that you guys know of? It would be really encoraging and motivational to see something like that.
Can anyone help me make a decision? Or guide me at least? Thank you..
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