toxicjester
The world’s worst jester
- Dec 11, 2023
- 27
For all my life I've lived with this weird "brain thing" (maybe just straight up delusions) where I think I'm not in the right timeline. When I was small I had a dream where I was in a long corridor and saw my family in one room, and across the hallway in the other room there was my family also. I ultimately chose one of the rooms, and since then just feel like I chose the wrong room.
A couple of weeks ago however, on election night, I drank way more than I ever have. I was in the car and was also smoking and everything felt wrong but also like nothing. Everything felt blurry and still. It felt surreal I guess. I had one more drink I was going to have before the night ended but I was so intoxicated that in the smallest moment of clarity I dumped it.
I don't even know how I managed to get out of the car, climb the stairs, and showered before getting in bed that night. I just know I woke up the next morning to some dogshit news that in the back of my mind I already knew.
Later on I talked to my sibling and they talked about how alcohol related deaths skyrocketed that night and then I got that feeling again, where I was in the wrong timeline. I should have died that night in my car.
Ever since then I've felt on edge constantly, I keep feeling like I'm in a doomed timeline, like any day I'm going to drop dead because I'm not supposed to be here. I have a vague plan to ctb but I can't set anything in motion and I'm still hesitant to.
I don't know why I talked about this. I just feel like I can't talk about this to anyone else.
A couple of weeks ago however, on election night, I drank way more than I ever have. I was in the car and was also smoking and everything felt wrong but also like nothing. Everything felt blurry and still. It felt surreal I guess. I had one more drink I was going to have before the night ended but I was so intoxicated that in the smallest moment of clarity I dumped it.
I don't even know how I managed to get out of the car, climb the stairs, and showered before getting in bed that night. I just know I woke up the next morning to some dogshit news that in the back of my mind I already knew.
Later on I talked to my sibling and they talked about how alcohol related deaths skyrocketed that night and then I got that feeling again, where I was in the wrong timeline. I should have died that night in my car.
Ever since then I've felt on edge constantly, I keep feeling like I'm in a doomed timeline, like any day I'm going to drop dead because I'm not supposed to be here. I have a vague plan to ctb but I can't set anything in motion and I'm still hesitant to.
I don't know why I talked about this. I just feel like I can't talk about this to anyone else.
