I believe in reincarnation because I can't help it. Over the last several years, I've had many dreams where I was different people in different places. I hear people talking to me sometimes and it's coming from outside of our tangible reality. Other people with some kind of spiritual or religious belief might frame this as communicating with God or spirit guides or even demonic entities...I don't know what it is. I just know it's there. But I'm not supposed to believe my own senses. I feel like I'm living in parallel realities. There's the one I actually experience, one in which I'm alone and know everyone else is alone and that all of this is an illusion supported by willful belief. And then there's the way you're supposed to pretend to experience. But you can't. Because you know better. Something you have experienced, or not experienced, ruins this illusion for you. You can't make the parts of it fit together. The only thing that keeps it going at all is that you want to believe in it. But in the end, you can't. I don't exist and no one is really there.
This is a dream that I stress out about maintaining a certain way. I need to stay ahead or stay a float. Like, I need to shell out $6,000+ to fix a roof that I thought was fine a couple of years ago when I bought this house...which was a desperate attempt to create something stable in my life and not end up homeless. But I work two part-time jobs and can't possibly do any better than I'm already doing. I could hop over on the next lilly pad, if I could find one, but it would probably sink. I can't even think about what I might possibly enjoy until I have accomplished a feeling of security. I don't have the luxury anymore of seeking out training or acquiring new skills, or even maintaining ones that I don't use at work or can't turn around and exploit in some capacity to create income. And why do I care? And now my teeth are rotting. And one of my jobs is going to go away, but without notice, because he's going to try to blindside us about closing up because that will be what is most convenient for him. Not having people leave before he does close, requiring him to hire and train people to stay there for however many weeks. I just know the time is up on it. So there's no way. I'll get something else, if I'm lucky, but it will be worse. I'm too stupid to get out of the service industry and I'll never thrive in it either, because I'm defective. Probably not uniquely defective, but it's ingrained, whatever it is, and impossible to overcome. It's like acting continuously and it never being good enough. I'm not sure money would fix my problem anyway.
I can't get attached to anyone. I can't even have a conversation with anyone anymore. I feel like my life is eroding and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can attempt to. I might be able to slow it. But it would just be temporary. And what is the ultimate goal? Meaning? What does that mean?
I really can't figure out why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for anyone else. No one else depends on me. I'm not close to anyone. I can't see the point of a relationship. It would just be another liability. Companionship or sex isn't worth becoming a single mother in this set of circumstances. I'm worthless, so I'm vulnerable to a relationship in which someone is just going to use me and resent that I'm not someone else. Not that I'd definitely attract this, but I feel like I'm giving off this wounded animal vibe. Better to give off a dead animal vibe. No healthy person is going to get with someone who's completely checked out and doesn't want to live anymore. Which is just as well. Because I'm not in a position to provide a meaningful and healthy relationship.
I'm trapped in a pointless stress dream. I don't know how other people find it in them to take a shower on a daily basis or eat something other than Doritos. I'm just going day by day. Occasionally, I'll try to get my act together and quit smoking or drinking, eating junk food, drinking diet soda (which apparently rots your fucking teeth as much as regular soda), go out and get exercise...but I can't maintain it. Because...just...there's nothing else. There really is nothing else. There's no one there and there's no point in doing something that doesn't distract you or lead to money you can use to create security.
I can't fix this and I don't even want to. I'm afraid that trying to communicate this to anyone is some kind of psychological abuse. It'd be like I was just reminding them of something they're trying to ignore.
This is probably all disgusting and I know it. And it makes me disgusting. And the only thing I could do about it is keep it to myself. But I need to express it somehow somewhere just so I can know what I'm thinking and to feel like I'm not under complete psychological control. I feel suffocated.
This is a dream that I stress out about maintaining a certain way. I need to stay ahead or stay a float. Like, I need to shell out $6,000+ to fix a roof that I thought was fine a couple of years ago when I bought this house...which was a desperate attempt to create something stable in my life and not end up homeless. But I work two part-time jobs and can't possibly do any better than I'm already doing. I could hop over on the next lilly pad, if I could find one, but it would probably sink. I can't even think about what I might possibly enjoy until I have accomplished a feeling of security. I don't have the luxury anymore of seeking out training or acquiring new skills, or even maintaining ones that I don't use at work or can't turn around and exploit in some capacity to create income. And why do I care? And now my teeth are rotting. And one of my jobs is going to go away, but without notice, because he's going to try to blindside us about closing up because that will be what is most convenient for him. Not having people leave before he does close, requiring him to hire and train people to stay there for however many weeks. I just know the time is up on it. So there's no way. I'll get something else, if I'm lucky, but it will be worse. I'm too stupid to get out of the service industry and I'll never thrive in it either, because I'm defective. Probably not uniquely defective, but it's ingrained, whatever it is, and impossible to overcome. It's like acting continuously and it never being good enough. I'm not sure money would fix my problem anyway.
I can't get attached to anyone. I can't even have a conversation with anyone anymore. I feel like my life is eroding and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can attempt to. I might be able to slow it. But it would just be temporary. And what is the ultimate goal? Meaning? What does that mean?
I really can't figure out why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for anyone else. No one else depends on me. I'm not close to anyone. I can't see the point of a relationship. It would just be another liability. Companionship or sex isn't worth becoming a single mother in this set of circumstances. I'm worthless, so I'm vulnerable to a relationship in which someone is just going to use me and resent that I'm not someone else. Not that I'd definitely attract this, but I feel like I'm giving off this wounded animal vibe. Better to give off a dead animal vibe. No healthy person is going to get with someone who's completely checked out and doesn't want to live anymore. Which is just as well. Because I'm not in a position to provide a meaningful and healthy relationship.
I'm trapped in a pointless stress dream. I don't know how other people find it in them to take a shower on a daily basis or eat something other than Doritos. I'm just going day by day. Occasionally, I'll try to get my act together and quit smoking or drinking, eating junk food, drinking diet soda (which apparently rots your fucking teeth as much as regular soda), go out and get exercise...but I can't maintain it. Because...just...there's nothing else. There really is nothing else. There's no one there and there's no point in doing something that doesn't distract you or lead to money you can use to create security.
I can't fix this and I don't even want to. I'm afraid that trying to communicate this to anyone is some kind of psychological abuse. It'd be like I was just reminding them of something they're trying to ignore.
This is probably all disgusting and I know it. And it makes me disgusting. And the only thing I could do about it is keep it to myself. But I need to express it somehow somewhere just so I can know what I'm thinking and to feel like I'm not under complete psychological control. I feel suffocated.
