birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
Introduction, thoughts on methods and fears about CTB:
I'm still not sure of the method but I've had enough. I'm thinking either partial hanging or throat slitting, but if there's an easier method that doesn't really require me to but anything (due to limitations of people having access to my purchase records) I'd be so happy to have it. I don't want to traumatise anyone. I don't want to be in pain either. The final 7 minutes of brain activity terrify me, because what if time there is dilated and I'll have to spend an eternity in agony?
On the press and my identity:
I'm also a bit concerned because I'm in a rather prolific uni so the press will be all up in my business, and I know for sure they won't respect my name nor my identity. They won't respect me as a person either and will use it as smear tactics against the uni. I'll be buried under a name that isn't mine anymore, as the UK doesn't recognise non binary people. I'll be on the news and people will name me wrong and I won't be respected in death but I am just too tired to care at this point. Even if I write a note, or a book, more like idk, none of this will be amended.
On Loss:
I'll leave behind few people. Most of my friends got cut off about half a year ago. So there shouldn't be too big an impact. The people still around me though... I have created small trinkets with which to remember me. Hopefully it helps soothe the grieving process. I'm already so tired of grieving myself. I think it's now someone else's turn to take that burden. I've cut off all the people who would have followed in my footsteps so that they could come to their own decisions, and so I'm not responsible for their blood.
Final thoughts:
This has been a long time coming. I doubt anyone will be surprised. I honestly wish this was as easy as deciding not to wake up, and I'm tired of wishing of dying in an accident so people don't blame me for my passing. But it is my fault in the end. I deserve this. And I'll finally be free. I hope.
I'm still not sure of the method but I've had enough. I'm thinking either partial hanging or throat slitting, but if there's an easier method that doesn't really require me to but anything (due to limitations of people having access to my purchase records) I'd be so happy to have it. I don't want to traumatise anyone. I don't want to be in pain either. The final 7 minutes of brain activity terrify me, because what if time there is dilated and I'll have to spend an eternity in agony?
On the press and my identity:
I'm also a bit concerned because I'm in a rather prolific uni so the press will be all up in my business, and I know for sure they won't respect my name nor my identity. They won't respect me as a person either and will use it as smear tactics against the uni. I'll be buried under a name that isn't mine anymore, as the UK doesn't recognise non binary people. I'll be on the news and people will name me wrong and I won't be respected in death but I am just too tired to care at this point. Even if I write a note, or a book, more like idk, none of this will be amended.
On Loss:
I'll leave behind few people. Most of my friends got cut off about half a year ago. So there shouldn't be too big an impact. The people still around me though... I have created small trinkets with which to remember me. Hopefully it helps soothe the grieving process. I'm already so tired of grieving myself. I think it's now someone else's turn to take that burden. I've cut off all the people who would have followed in my footsteps so that they could come to their own decisions, and so I'm not responsible for their blood.
Final thoughts:
This has been a long time coming. I doubt anyone will be surprised. I honestly wish this was as easy as deciding not to wake up, and I'm tired of wishing of dying in an accident so people don't blame me for my passing. But it is my fault in the end. I deserve this. And I'll finally be free. I hope.
