Story I think I may have lost one of my three reasons not to die

[anchored_astronaut]

There are three reasons I have yet to catch the bus.

One of these reasons is just that I'm scared. I find the idea of eternal oblivion just as terrifying as I find it comforting. So I'm very much undecided as to whether or not I will end my life. I find my existence unappealing, but at least it's familiar, and in that way the beating of my heart offers me a more fragile comfort than I anticipate not existing would, but without the fear factor, and so I've stuck with it so far.

I guess you could say I'm die-curious (haha. Pretend I'm funny. Humor me.)

The other two reasons are the people who would miss me: my brother, and a dear friend who I have, for three years, gotten to know entirely though instant messages and, eventually, phone calls. Despite the physical distance between us and the emotional distance such impersonal means of communication ought to have awarded us, we developed mutual romantic feelings that, unfortunately, neither of us have any way of acting upon.

Tonight, as I have on many recent nights, I got a bit too open about my unhappiness while talking with him.

He told me, in many more and somewhat different words, that he can no longer handle listening to me talk that way. Then that he didn't believe me when I promised I would stop. And then that even if I could, he doesn't want to maintain a relationship in which either party has to hide. And finally that he doesn't know whether or not he will remain a part of my life.

My days are already so empty even with his companionship.

I don't know if I remember how to live without him, or if I care to.

I'm both frightened of and delighted by the thought that realizing I'm more trouble than I'm worth could be a trend that takes off, and then I'd have nobody to worry about hurting, and I could be free.

But the part of me that's still scared to die is terrified by the prospect of having no one to hold me back.

Even just one less pair of hands could be enough for me to let go.

Deepest thanks to anyone who read this far. I'm not sure exactly why I want to tell this story, but I do, and so I appreciate anyone who was willing to hear it.

It's a messed up little trick how feelings that make one feel so alone can lead to one actually being alone.

 

[mediocre]

Aw I'm so sorry you can always talk to me or others on here. I wish I could be more helpful.

 

[6ixxy]

Aw I'm so sorry you can always talk to me or others on here. I wish I could be more helpful.

Second this, for all that you're losing the bond of your brother, albeit not a physical relationship I'm sure you can forge many more, maybe even more meaningful relationships in life & potentially through the site. Don't hang your head too low, the show must go on, for now.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

Thank you, @6ixxy, that's a very sweet offer and very sweet words <3

I do want to clarify though, mostly for the sake of my own sanity, that I don't thiiiiiink I'm losing my brother too (yet: he, too, has been showing signs of getting sick of me so I suspect I may be entirely on my own soon. Or maybe it's just my abandonment issues tearing their head in light of this situation) it's just this friend of mine who's announce intentions of maybe stepping out of my life. I'm sure I may I have worded my post a little confusingly, as I'm rather emotionally charged right now. Regardless, thank you again.

Thanks, @mediocre, that's very comforting and plenty of help I honestly wasn't respecting any of replies at all.

(sorry to both of you, I'm still kind of figuring out formatting on this site, I thought these would be separate)

 

[6ixxy]

Thank you, @6ixxy, that's a very sweet offer and very sweet words <3

I do want to clarify though, mostly for the sake of my own sanity, that I don't thiiiiiink I'm losing my brother too (yet: he, too, has been showing signs of getting sick of me so I suspect I may be entirely on my own soon. Or maybe it's just my abandonment issues tearing their head in light of this situation) it's just this friend of mine who's announce intentions of maybe stepping out of my life. I'm sure I may I have worded my post a little confusingly, as I'm rather emotionally charged right now. Regardless, thank you again.
Thanks, @mediocre, that's very comforting and plenty of help I honestly wasn't respecting any of replies at all.

Hey don't worry about it, we're all here for more or less the same reason, don't feel like you're alone in any of this.

 

[notjustyetagain]

thank you for sharing this beautiful, though sad, story.

i'm so sorry to read that your relationships are being strained; navigating delicate interpersonal issues seems difficult at the best of times. adding depression/suicidal feelings into the mix -- practically impossible?

the way that you write about your friend clearly reflects the deep care you feel for him. three years is a long time in getting to know someone, and i imagine that the speaking-only nature of your relationship both gives it a special quality and makes it more difficult, as you don't have body language or touch to communicate? the boundaries your friend put up show a healthy respect -- he's being open and honest with you instead of avoiding short-term conflict and sabotaging the integrity of the relationship. it sounds like he doesn't want you to suffer, but also that he may not have the emotional resources required to maintain the health of your relationship and support you right now. a break/step back may give you both the opportunity to regroup, reassess, and reevaluate how you proceed. i sincerely hope that you can find a way to sustain it.

it's great that you're looking to strengthen the bond with your brother -- would sharing anything you've shared here with your brother bring you closer to him?

in the meantime, i encourage you to continue sharing with the members of this board. nobody will replace your friend or your brother, but there are plenty of caring people here who may help to provide you with some of the support you deserve. the turmoil you're feeling indicates how much hope relationships provide you, and i wish you as much comfort as possible.

PS: die-curious -- i LOLed.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

thank you for sharing this beautiful, though sad, story.

i'm so sorry to read that your relationships are being strained; navigating delicate interpersonal issues seems difficult at the best of times. adding depression/suicidal feelings into the mix -- practically impossible?

the way that you write about your friend clearly reflects the deep care you feel for him. three years is a long time in getting to know someone, and i imagine that the speaking-only nature of your relationship both gives it a special quality and makes it more difficult, as you don't have body language or touch to communicate? the boundaries your friend put up show a healthy respect -- he's being open and honest with you instead of avoiding short-term conflict and sabotaging the integrity of the relationship. it sounds like he doesn't want you to suffer, but also that he may not have the emotional resources required to maintain the health of your relationship and support you right now. a break/step back may give you both the opportunity to regroup, reassess, and reevaluate how you proceed. i sincerely hope that you can find a way to sustain it.

it's great that you're looking to strengthen the bond with your brother -- would sharing anything you've shared here with your brother bring you closer to him?

in the meantime, i encourage you to continue sharing with the members of this board. nobody will replace your friend or your brother, but there are plenty of caring people here who may help to provide you with some of the support you deserve. the turmoil you're feeling indicates how much hope relationships provide you, and i wish you as much comfort as possible.

PS: die-curious -- i LOLed.

than you so much wish I had more to say, because what you said was so wonderful, but I'm kind of drawing blanks. I guess ll'l just double down on the "thank you."

 

[LegaliseIt!]

This is a safe place for all of us to share these thoughts.
Sending peace and comfort,
L.
PS. The "die-curious" quip made my day! Thank you