I Think I May Have Been Sexually Abused.

[AerialBoundaries]

What constitues as that? An older cousin who when I was 14 at the time made us compare penis sizes and would make us rub it togther because it was "not gay". This happened only a few times, but it just came back to me. Nothing penetrative, but he put a few porn movies on.

Fuck, I don't know if it's just normal fooling around or that. Fucking horrible repressed memory.

We were like brothers, too, until he became a full time alcoholic and left us all behind.

I have no idea what brought this memory on. Fucking hate my brain.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, AerialBoundaries. I can personally identify with this as it's something I went through myself, except in my case it was my older brother and I was about...ten, maybe? So yeah, I get it.

To answer your first question: is it sexual abuse? Yeah, definitely. While I don't necessarily agree that a 14 year old is completely incapable of giving consent (I've read stories from young people who knew exactly what they wanted, what they were doing, and considered it very thoroughly) this is generally most often the case. Moreover, from the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like something you really wanted or were enthusiastic about. So yeah, it is not 'normal fooling around'. It's abuse.

Now, whether or not that abuse actually harmed or damaged you psychologically is another matter, and one for you to decide. Worth noting, an act doesn't have to damage you to be abusive, just the significant potential to do so. Case in point, I do not believe I suffered from or was damaged by what my brother did to me, and while I do struggle with my mental health in many ways, I do not believe he was the cause of it. It was still sexual abuse.

If it's something that is causing you emotional conflict, then it does sound like some damage is there, and it's not surprising at all that your brain would dredge up the memory from time to time.