Help I think I have made a mistake.

[Banquo501]

I don't know why, but I just sent a suicide note to my very recent ex by email, I spent the last hour or so crying and agonising over whether or not to write it and send it. Basically said I can't go on and I don't hate her etc. She's on the other side of the world right now so she won't see it for another few hours. I don't know what I was thinking sending it and now feel awful. I'm going to worry her so much, she will likely contact my parents and that will in turn cause even more worry. Why the hell did I do this.

I am off to the doctors in a couple of hours, as I managed to move my appointment forward. I don't know what to say to him. I feel very much on the edge. I have hundreds of paracetamol and codeine at my disposal but I need them for my chronic pain, I'm not considering OD. but I don't want to be sectioned and have my meds taken away. But at the same time I want to talk to someone about how I feel. To make things worse, he's an old family friend. They used to baby sit me when I was a child. How do I tell a kind old man I want to die? What massive pressure that will put on him. I don't trust any of the other doctors at the practice though.

I don't know what to do. I'm in panic mode and feel lost.

 

[binglebelle]

It's okay, I've been there. You should talk to the one whose an old family friend about how you feel.

 

[faust]

I think it is not a mistake, you just wanted to say your goodbyes to a person who is not just a sound of the rain for you.
Suppose she would get to know that anyway, it is much better than simply disappear without saying a word.
If you are ready to go, it will be your final note. When we want to end this life, we need something that can be left after us. Unconsciously we don't want to rest in oblivion. So even if it is hard for you, you found strengths and did a great job! Sending you my best wishes

 

[randomz]

I know how you feel. I also think you should try talking openly about how you feel, so people can do their best to help you, and if you need to vent in front of unknown to you internet strangers, we are always here. You can PM me anytime, if you think that will help you.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Aw I'm so sorry you're going through this ): honestly I wouldn't trust any doctor since the one time I have, they just put me in a psych ward. But only you know that doctor well out of all of us. Be careful and my PMs is always open

 

[Banquo501]

Thank you for the offers of a PM. I have calmed down a little now. Still think I've made an arse of myself by sending the email, but nothing I can do about it now. Will have a chat with the Doc and hope for the best.

 

[faust]

Thank you for the offers of a PM. I have calmed down a little now. Still think I've made an arse of myself by sending the email, but nothing I can do about it now. Will have a chat with the Doc and hope for the best.

Please, take care of yourself!

 

[Banquo501]

Please, take care of yourself!

I will try my best, I don't think I'm in imminent risk of catching the bus, but I'm panicking and feel on edge. Maybe it's just a pressure valve releasing inside me idk.

 

[faust]

I will try my best, I don't think I'm in imminent risk of catching the bus, but I'm panicking and feel on edge. Maybe it's just a pressure valve releasing inside me idk.

We are here for you, should you need us, feel free to talk!

 

[Banquo501]

Thank you.

 

[BearNoMore]

I don't know why, but I just sent a suicide note to my very recent ex by email, I spent the last hour or so crying and agonising over whether or not to write it and send it. Basically said I can't go on and I don't hate her etc. She's on the other side of the world right now so she won't see it for another few hours. I don't know what I was thinking sending it and now feel awful. I'm going to worry her so much, she will likely contact my parents and that will in turn cause even more worry. Why the hell did I do this.

I am off to the doctors in a couple of hours, as I managed to move my appointment forward. I don't know what to say to him. I feel very much on the edge. I have hundreds of paracetamol and codeine at my disposal but I need them for my chronic pain, I'm not considering OD. but I don't want to be sectioned and have my meds taken away. But at the same time I want to talk to someone about how I feel. To make things worse, he's an old family friend. They used to baby sit me when I was a child. How do I tell a kind old man I want to die? What massive pressure that will put on him. I don't trust any of the other doctors at the practice though.

I don't know what to do. I'm in panic mode and feel lost.

Please share with us anything you want to and know we are here. Honestly I am in a very similar situation to you and while I'm sorry to hear you feel such agonizing pressure, know you are not alone.

My ex and I split 5 days ago. I had already been ready to catch the bus. I spiraled and lost it the following day and reached out to her. After talking she convinced me to see her. We had a few drinks and some food and had sex. She was gone in the morning for class. She said about 6 words to me via text. I haven't heard from her since. Not a single word. And I know she's seen my messages on different platforms. I haven't even brought up my current state, my increasing drive to ctb, etc. I tried to give her space and didn't even reach out yesterday. Still, nothing.

I am fighting the urge to tell her my plans to end it in the next few days. That I have what I need and have supplies on the way for my backup method. That my bags are packed. That I stayed at a hotel last night and intend to book an extended stay soon. It's so hard not to say anything. She is all that is on my mind. I understand why you broke down and reached out to her....Truly, I do.

- Bear
ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

 

[Banquo501]

Doctor has given me some ADs I guess I will see how things go from here.

 

[BearNoMore]

Doctor has given me some ADs I guess I will see how things go from here.

Good job for taking the steps to see your doctor and try out a routine of medicine. I know it's not easy. Please be sure to keep in contact with your doctor about any effects good or bad as these medications work differently for different people.

 

[Banquo501]

Good job for taking the steps to see your doctor and try out a routine of medicine. I know it's not easy. Please be sure to keep in contact with your doctor about any effects good or bad as these medications work differently for different people.

I will, I'm still not feeling at all good about things but I'm not panicking anymore.

 

[BellBottomBlues]

Please share with us anything you want to and know we are here. Honestly I am in a very similar situation to you and while I'm sorry to hear you feel such agonizing pressure, know you are not alone.

My ex and I split 5 days ago. I had already been ready to catch the bus. I spiraled and lost it the following day and reached out to her. After talking she convinced me to see her. We had a few drinks and some food and had sex. She was gone in the morning for class. She said about 6 words to me via text. I haven't heard from her since. Not a single word. And I know she's seen my messages on different platforms. I haven't even brought up my current state, my increasing drive to ctb, etc. I tried to give her space and didn't even reach out yesterday. Still, nothing.

I am fighting the urge to tell her my plans to end it in the next few days. That I have what I need and have supplies on the way for my backup method. That my bags are packed. That I stayed at a hotel last night and intend to book an extended stay soon. It's so hard not to say anything. She is all that is on my mind. I understand why you broke down and reached out to her....Truly, I do.

- Bear
ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Fuck. I feel this post. As well as OP's. I too just went through a very similar experience. 3 years with her was over in a day without warning and without her lifting a finger to fix things. I was completely ghosted after that with the exception of the occasional "thinking about you" on Christmas (of all the fucking days). Every day is a struggle between trying to decide if I want to CTB or just not wake up or if I want to live.

OP, thanks for sharing this. We are here to tell you that you are not alone. I have thought many times about what I would say to my EX over an email or suicide letter. Thinking of the impact it would have on her. And then there are times where I worry that it will cause everyone to hate her. And I love her too much to see it ruin her life. As painful as this has been and as badly as she has hurt me. Don't make any decisions until you talk with the doctor. Be careful about which words you use and get an idea of how he is reacting before you just say it all. We are here to talk it through with you as well. Use this site as a safe haven to talk about these things without worrying about being shipped off to a psych ward.

Thinking of you

 

[gentleflower]

We are all going to be here for you

I can understand sending a goodbye note in a moment where you thought it fitting. If I were you, I would send another mail, explaining that you have just "lost it for a moment". She will know that you're still alive that way as well. If you want to reassure her, you can include that you've talked to your doc.

 

[Banquo501]

Thanks folks.

She actually texted me when she woke up, she was very concerned. But her tone was pretty cold, she's very good at going into a stern professional mode when she needs to. And the contact was basically to make sure I wasn't dead and that I was going to get help.

 

[Jean4]

Thanks folks.

She actually texted me when she woke up, she was very concerned. But her tone was pretty cold, she's very good at going into a stern professional mode when she needs to. And the contact was basically to make sure I wasn't dead and that I was going to get help.

See. It wasn't as bad as you thought.

Let me tell you a secret. I am a social worker. Input on the cold professional voice too. Because I don't care? No. It's because I care too much and can't let the person see it, because I have to be strong for the person I am talking to, and may have to make major decisions immediately.

If I was in my emotional and not professional mode, I wouldn't be able to work.

2 people tried to CTB last night. One had major psychiatric reasons for it. If I had my emotional and not professional stance, the command hallucinations would have won. She would not be here.

Take that she contacted you as a good thing. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have.

I'm here for you if you need me or want to talk.

 

[BearNoMore]

Thanks folks.

She actually texted me when she woke up, she was very concerned. But her tone was pretty cold, she's very good at going into a stern professional mode when she needs to. And the contact was basically to make sure I wasn't dead and that I was going to get help.

That was more or less my exact situation today as well...I'll keep my eyes peeled here to see how things develop as I feel connected. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat more personally about this...it might be good since we're dealing with similar things.

I'm happy for you that she at least made contact. I think that alone shows an amount of care and concern.