Help I think I have an eating disorder

[CuddleHug]

Lately, I've been thinking that I might have an eating disorder. I feel stupid for even doubting it, because the signs are pretty obvious. I've been denying it, blaming it on other things, but I can't escape it anymore. People are noticing and even my psychiatrist asked about it as well.

I don't want to write any details that could be triggering to others, but as I told my friend the other day; I think I kind of know what it feels like to have anorexia. Not that I have that, mine is probably a more general one, but the whole aspect of "how can it be so hard to eat when your body demands ut?". I never understood that before, but now I do.

It's kinda funny, I've written and re-written this post several times now. I don't want to post it, because I refuse to admit that I have an ED. I'm not even sure why I wanted to make this post at all. Even more reason to push the post button before I change my mind again, I suppose...

 

[Life_and_Death]

yeah i get that. i can go a day or so without eating just because im "not hungry" or i forget to, then i go on a stretch where i eat too much. its apparently one of the things that go along with my disorders.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Don't feel stupid/beat yourself up about it. I think a good first step is admitting that something is not right and realising that you've been in denial. It seems as if there's a part of you that's still in denial but the other part is fighting against that. And perhaps there's that part of you that wants to get better?

 

[CuddleHug]

Don't feel stupid/beat yourself up about it. I think a good first step is admitting that something is not right and realising that you've been in denial. It seems as if there's a part of you that's still in denial but the other part is fighting against that. And perhaps there's that part of you that wants to get better?

You're absolutely right. I know I'm in denial, but I'm also not ready to admit that I need to change my eating habits. I posted here to force myself to face this fact, but I'm not sure it has helped. It's the first time I've really admitted there's a big issue with my eating habits, though. I think I want to change, I just don't know how.

If anyone has any ED recovery tips, I'd appreciate it a lot. You'll get many hugs in return!

 

[Deleted member 19654]

You're absolutely right. I know I'm in denial, but I'm also not ready to admit that I need to change my eating habits. I posted here to force myself to face this fact, but I'm not sure it has helped. It's the first time I've really admitted there's a big issue with my eating habits, though. I think I want to change, I just don't know how.

If anyone has any ED recovery tips, I'd appreciate it a lot. You'll get many hugs in return!

I don't have any experience with an ED but I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery.

 

[CozyTime]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with that but I'm also really proud over you recognizing that it's an issue and to try and resist what the brain would rather do, its very difficult and a lot of people never even get where you are right now. ^^

The only tip I can offer as someone that has helped a best friend go through it and another currently going through it:
Try and get help and advice from a professional sources/people you trust, sometimes I simply remind her to eat at all, sometimes I have to call out ed behaviour and other times its just to be an emotional crutch where she can vent about it. Seeing her get better and better is a huge joy and not a burden at all.

I'm sorry for not having anything else but I have seen both of these people try and go deal with it on their own and its extremely difficult (which I am sure you already know) but I think the gut reaction for a lot of people is that denying and never trying to get help with it, professional or simply a friend. I think both are very important for recovery

I know I'm just a stranger so it might not mean much but you truly deserve to live a life without suffering from that and again just you writing these words and thoughts out is a huge step in the right direction

 

[noaccount]

I'm glad you're talking about this here, there's also a support forum for that at https://letfoodbethymedicine.createaforum.com/index.php and some good info at https://edinstitute.org/patients

 

[CuddleHug]

@CozyTime Thank you for the kind words. I know I should get professional help, I just have so much stuff to deal with that I don't have time (and energy) to tackle all of it at the same time. Problem is, now that I'm aware of it, I can't stop thinking about it...

Btw, I like your username I hope you're okay with me showering you with hugs!

I'm glad you're talking about this here, there's also a support forum for that at https://letfoodbethymedicine.createaforum.com/index.php and some good info at https://edinstitute.org/patients

Shit, I can't even look at those links right now, I chicken out. I'll save them, though, so thank you for sharing

 

[CuddleHug]

Almost half a year later, I have an update I'd like to share. If you read my other post and followed the updates, you will know I got sectioned just over a week ago. It was a short one, only 9 days, and I'm home again since yesterday.

The thing is, when in inpatient care, you have little to no control over your diet. Breakfast and supper are optional at that ward, but lunch and dinner are not. They know food is very important for recovery and a healthy mind, so they try very hard to make you eat.

Spoiler: Eating habits and other details (skippable)

Well, I refused to eat completely for I think 3 or 4 days. That was on top of several days of fasting before I got sectioned, but they didn't know that. A full week of no food or nutrition at all, only water.

I know very well that it's bad. Very bad. I wanted to hurt myself, protest being there at all since it wasn't voluntary. And it felt good. So I kept doing it. Then eventually, to appease them, I started eating a tiny bit once or twice a day. I'd accept some nutritional drinks, drink half of it and secretly pour the rest out so they'd think I drank all.

At that point I realised how deep into it I have fallen. When I first made this thread, I had already been fasting whole days several times a week for at least a month or two. Not just skipping meals, skipping whole days. And yet I was doubting, trying to rationalise it and lying to myself. I said I think I knew what it felt like to have anorexia nervosa.

Well, I was right, because I do have anorexia nervosa. No official diagnosis yet, but the psychiatrist at the psych hospital said it to me with no doubt in her voice. My psychologist also knows, since she's been keeping herself updated on my inpatient treatment. I met her yesterday after getting discharged and we talked about it. I can't hide it anymore, it's out there and she will make sure to make it difficult for me to keep restricting my diet.

Fuck. I hate to say this, but I don't want to give it up. I know I should, but I don't think I can. I don't want to. I kept it hidden for all these months exactly for this reason. Not because "it's not that bad" or "I'm not even underweight" or "I'll stop after month X is over". I knew all along that those were lies, lies I told myself to let the ED thrive. I knew, but didn't want to accept the truth.

And here I am, no longer in control and the secret is out. This shit is fucking dangerous. They always say that catching disordered eating early is important for prevention and recovery from eating disorders. Well, the reason I'm posting this update now, after 5 months, is to tell you they are right. If you're struggling with these things; get help, now.

I'm not sure how to get out of this now. Wait, do I mean out of the ED or out of recovery from it? I don't know yet. I don't fucking know.

 

[signifying nothing]

It could prove useful that you have a record of the early days of your problems - perhaps reflecting on those times and the kind of thoughts and feelings you were having, 'on the way in' as it were, could help you now in trying to find a 'way out' from where you are?

Also, I would have said at that earlier time, but its also relevant now, to try not to let food dominate your thoughts, but rather look at the factors that were/are influencing those behaviours. For example, the loss of bodily sensations (eg hunger), or not feeling physically present or connected with your body. The need to control something because other things in your life cannot be controlled. You probably know about these by now if you have been talking with a psych.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts. I hope you can find a way through what you're dealing with.

 

[timf]

Eating disorders can be tricky. At first people can focus on food and hunger. Next one begins to consider appearance and image. However, at a still deeper level one considers issues of control. A person may become fixated on being able to establish control over something and that sense of control becomes the center of their thoughts.

The path to recovery can be tricky because even if the control issues are identified, discovering and experimenting with alternatives can be a lengthy process.